Should i let my biological father know about our baby?

Erika - posted on 03/26/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )




So my husband and I havent talked with my biological father for 2 years because we do not agree with his lifestyle and because he had said some very hurtful things before our wedding (he wasnt invited to the wedding because of it and we havent had any contact with him since)

He has not ever really been there for me throughout my life, only when it benefitted him, and never helped my mother out with medical bills etc. And on top of that never had anything nice to say toward or about my mom or my sister ( not his, from my moms first marriage).

THe reason my husband and I choose not to speak with him is because we do not agree with the way he speaks to people, about people of other races and culturals (he doesn't like people that choose to be gay or lesbian, people of color and other sorts) and also he is an alcoholic that doesn't take care of my 8 year brother ( his live in GF has a 9 year old daughter as well, neither of the kids are supervised and are pretty much left to fend for themselves in terms of homework, bathing and so forth as my dad and his GF sit in the garage drinking and playing darts).

My husband and I ( I was raised by my mother and stepfather (who i consider my father as he is always here for me and calls me and my sister his own) were both raised to respect all people and not to look down on anyone. We were both also raised in Christian homes, and know that it is not our place to judge anyone (including my bio dad) and have choosen to raise our daughter (due in May) to treat everyone with respect and to raise her in a Christian based home.

My question is, do we (even though we do not agree with him or his lifestyle right now) let my bio dad know that he has a granddaughter, or do we leave well enough alone. He has not tried to contact us and we are leaving that up to him ( he knows why we disagree with his lifestyle and that in order for him to be in good terms with us he has to try to get better).

I thought about sending a birth announcement with a letter of why again, we do not speak, why we disagree with his choices that he has made, and if he would like to meet his granddaughter what stipulations must occur in order to meet her ( it has to be on our terms, no drinking before hand, both the husband and i must be present and it would be at a neutral location (we moved and he doesnt know where we live, nor do we know if we want him to know quite yet, he does have email and our phone #)....

Please help us. we have been praying and know that Jesus wants us to forgive him but then again we dont want to expose our baby girl to that unhealthy lifestyle. It doesn't match what we want her to know and what morals we set forth.


Erika & Patrick & ( Baby Klaire )


Renee - posted on 04/15/2010




I have had the pleasure of being part of your life since you were 9 yrs old. I know your feelings toward your Dad, as I was with him for almost 10 yrs and had your beautiful brother. You are making your Dad sound pretty bad, he has his faults, made choices you may not approve of. We all have made choices, wrong or right, He is not a monster, if that were the case Logan would NEVER be in is care. So in my opinion, be the better person, send the birth announcement, don't give a list of "terms" to see his granddaughter, and see what happens. If you get no response, then you know your answer. You have your own life with Pat, and soon Klaire. Make it your own, be happy. Stressing about your Dad isnt healthy, and not worth the time and energy. I love you!....Renee xoxo


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Tessa - posted on 01/27/2013




Personally I wouldn't let him near my child. Only because of his lifestyle and the way he talks about people, not as a form of revenge or anything. If he can't respect you or your husband (re the nasty comments) or your mother, who raised you without his support) then, in my opinion, he doesn't deserve to be a grandfather. I hope you can work everything out to your satisfaction.

Erika - posted on 04/15/2010




I respect your honesty and as we talked before we have different opinions about this BUT am happy that he is making an effort to spend more one on one time with Logan- thats a step in the right direction. I love you too! xoxo!

Ricky - posted on 03/26/2010




If you would like him too know I would send him the birth announcement but maybe hold off on the letter, maybe send it through email so he doesnt know where you live and wont unexpectedly show up. If he responds and asks to meet her then send the stipulations. If he doesnt respond than you shouldnt have to do anything more, because you made the effort.

My boyfriend and I are no longer in contact with his father either. He and my bf got into a fight and some things where said (I dont know what, my boyfriend wont tell me because he does not want to get me involved) and now my father in law wont talk to us. We occasionally send him photos through email so he can watch his grandson grow up. We decided that this is between my boyfriend and him and if our son wants to meet his grandfather when he is older we will let him but in a neutral setting.

Kathy - posted on 03/26/2010




My bio dad wasn't in my life much when I was a kid-showed up for visitations out of guilt when my Grandma or Aunt would call him and ream him a good one. By the time I was a teen, I really never saw or talked to him. When I had my daughter, he was in town for my Grandma's funeral. I called her house, not knowing she was brought home to die, so everyone knew I was going into the hospital to have her. He never once called or stopped by to see me or her. I did a surprise visit to his home when she was 2 so he could meet his granddaughter. He never called after. He saw his grandson at my cousin's wedding. My children are 14 and 7 now. He has seen Athena twice-at age 2 and 7, and Joey that one time when he was just a few months old. He has never tried to contact me, never asked their birthdays, never sent a card or gift for any holiday. Honestly I don't care. They have a wonderful grandfather who happens to be my stepfather. They both know that my bio-father was a bad dad and neither want anything to do with him. It is his loss. I don't mourn the loss of that man in our lives-he isn't worth it.

You need to decide if having him meet your child is good for you and her. If it isn't, then don't do it. He is an adult and has repeatedly made bad decisions-picking alcohol over his children. He will probably do the same when his grandchild is born. Sometimes it is just better to let go of the negative people in your life, and keep the positive ones close. Good luck!

Iridescent - posted on 03/26/2010




Maybe just mail the birth announcement. No letter is necessary to reinforce the point; your reasons were already stated to him and he is aware of them. Reinforcing that fact is pointless and takes away from the birth of your child. If he hasn't changed, he won't attempt to make contact.

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