Should we bring in a new baby in a semi-blended family?

Liz - posted on 03/04/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )




Hi all... I am 31 year old mom of 2, my son is 10 and daughter is 7. I am recently married and the topic of having children is coming up quite often now, my husband is 32. Everyone wants us to have kids - especially our parents. My husband doesnt have any children of his own, but he has been amazing in stepping into the role of stepdad with us, his 'insta-family'. However, my kid's dad is relatively active in their life with the typical every other weekend arrangements and they adore their dad. My husband sometimes struggles with it because they truly are two different kinds of dads. (My husband, the great provider, true father-figure type, not the most touchy-feely-affectionate type, but truly loving in his own way. He takes them fishing, helps with homework, takes them mudding, encourages the sneaking in our bed to cuddle with us, has man-talks with my son, spoils the little princess, etc - very involved on a daily basis. Their dad is the very affectionate, funny, always ready for fun, 'let me smell you', jokester kind of dad - but not reliable, emotionally or financially) Needless to say, my kids are blessed. But my husband struggles with whether he will ever be good enough for them or even his own, especially because in a weird way, he wishes he was more affectionate and touchy-feely, loving with the kids and its just not in his nature to be (yet)... I think its something that comes with time, especially when you have your own. I feel he subconsciously compares himself with their dad and seeing how much the kids love him (while overlooking his faults) makes him feel some kind of way - as if a tad bit jealous? Like he will never be loved and respected the same way. With all of this, he also worries about what a baby would feel like when the older two have to go to their dads for the weekend and baby gets left behind. At first it wont matter, but hes worried it might become an issue the older the baby (babies) get. How do you guys deal with this? Would it be a good idea to bring in a baby to a semi-blended family? I would hate not to have our own babies and regret it later... Any insight would be appreciated.


Raye - posted on 03/04/2016




As parents love more than one child immeasurably, but differently... so too do children love parental figures a lot but in different ways. Even though there may be a deeper bond with blood relations, some kids do have very strong ties to step-parents. In any case, it's not a competition between your husband and the kids' father. If he really wants to become more outwardly affectionate toward them, then he needs to make a conscientious effort to do so. He has to trust that he's doing his best and that is good enough.

If you two want a child together, then by all means do so... but it shouldn't be to "fix" a perceived problem or insecurity. Your husband may not be any more affectionate to that one than to your others, or he may be 100 times more affectionate to his own child. His own child may not treat him more lovingly than your others, or maybe it will worship the ground he walks on. Who knows until it happens. What will be-will be, and you ALL will have to overcome any emotions or resentments that arise from it.


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Michelle - posted on 03/04/2016




Sounds exactly like my life. I have now been married to my 2nd husband for almost 7 years. I do 50/50 shared care with my 2 older children who are now 14.5 and 12. My husband and I have a 6yo daughter together.
My husband was awesome with my boys that I knew had to have a child of his own. She absolutely adores her Daddy and he still has a great relationship with my boys. Yes, she misses them when they go to their Dad's but it's all she's even known and is so excited when they come back.

Jodi - posted on 03/04/2016




If it is any consolation, the baby won't have a problem with the situation, even as they get older. We have a blended family and it's been fine. Our daughter is now almost 11, and she has two siblings who have never lived with us (visited some weekends and holidays) and one sibling who lived with us but also spent time at his dad's house. Kids are amazingly adaptable creatures, and as long as the two of you WANT a baby, then don't let those thoughts concern you.

Sarah - posted on 03/04/2016




My dad was not touch feely, and I don't think that was a bad thing. It is just the way he was and I never questioned his love for me or my sisters. If every aouple had to have the perfect conditions and personalities to make good parents, no one would ever have kids. If you are open to having a child, go for it. When the baby is old enough to really be jealous of the other two leaving to go see dad, they will be in their late teens. When the baby is younger you can make those weekends the baby's special private time with you and dad. Make it a positive part of his life, not a loss.

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