
Maria - posted on 08/15/2012 ( 79 moms have responded )
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My husband will not defend me or my son. He adopted my oldest when we married, his parnts don't treat him the same as the other two we have together. They bought school supply's, cloths, and 2 pairs of shoes for the younger two. My oldest got one pair shoes and pens and paper. Also my husband got a pair of shoes. I asked why? they had to use the buy one get one 1/2 off. So why didn't they just get him another pair...they didn't know what he would wont....why not get them and he can take them back....
This sparked a big argument
We hav had this ussue for years. We have been seperated and I am really tired of him not understanding my issue. or my feelings on the matter. My kids should be treated the same no matter what. He chose to be his father and his parents should respect it. But I feel like I am defending my son every holiday or birthday to get fair treatment. While my husband ignores the issue and says I over react.
My son and other kids are getting to ages where they can see whats happening. My oldest will be 18 soon. He's a wonderful kid.
This is not the only issue with my soon to be x-husband. And one I am sure I won't win. I am letting it go for the fact my husband will never defend me for any reason.
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Lillie - posted on 08/16/2012
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I dealt with this when we adopted our daughters at the ages of 1 1/2 and 2 1/2. My in-laws favored the baby over the toddler. One evening, they were visiting us from out of state. My 2 1/2 year old tried to crawl up on her grandpa's lap. He pushed her down and said "You aren't my baby. X....x is my baby.", then scooped the 1 1/2 year old up and held her in his lap! I went ballistic!
We had a 2 story house and their suitcases were in our bedroom upstairs. I went up the stairs, opened the window, took off the screen, threw their luggage out on the lawn, replaced the screen, closed the window and went back downstairs. I then informed them that they had to leave my house and NOT return until they could treat my children the same. They left in tears. Two months later, they called, begging to visit. They treated my daughters the same from that moment on! Situation resolved!
Now, my daughters are grown, I'm remarried and my husband and I now have a son. My sister-in-law acts as though our son doesn't exist. She lavishes praise & gifts on my husbands daughter from a previous marriage. My husband refuses to have anything to do with his sister and she's not included in our family plans. He has informed her that she has both a nephew and a niece and if she can't treat them equally, she won't see either.
She calls his daughter and tells her horrible things and makes up lies about us. My son now realizes how she is and refuses to call her "Aunt". He told her she's not his aunt... she's only his sister's. He's fine with her ignoring him. He has a very strong self-image and has other "aunts" and "uncles" (friends of our that adore him).
Stand your ground! Don't let your children be treated badly by anyone!
Sally - posted on 08/16/2012
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On the defend thing,even if I said or did something wrong I would expect my SO to defend me in public and speak to me in private, the same as I would for him. Where my children were concerned I would not allow anyone to treat them differently and I would expect support. Id be the one dealing with all the sibling fighting etc. I would hate it if one of mine felt left out. So you are very right in how you feel.
Denikka - posted on 08/15/2012
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To answer your original question, no. A husband should NOT defend his wife/partner and/or child/ren, no matter what, irregardless of circumstances, etc.
What he SHOULD do is defend them when it is right. Defend them against unfair treatment. Defend them against danger when it's possible.
Your husband should be defending you and your children against his parent. What they are doing is unfair and likely to cause rifts in the family. Unfortunately, it's common in most families I think. Especially when it's a single child who is the *outsider*.
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Yes dear, your husband should defend you always, unless, you have done someone or something wrong. And in this case, you have done no person wrong. Yes, a spouse should stand up and support their mate. Sometimes men are blind to their parents faults, and favor their parents' points of view over their wives, kind of like the times when a man demands that his pregnant wife, allow his mom to come into the delivery room, just because the wife's mom is there This is a common complaint that wives tell about.
Don't listen to people who say you are wrong. You are absolutely right, and I applaud you for you strength and motherly sense. The grandparents should not be so cold in their response to your older child. A loving set of grandparents, should be able to see when they hurt or reject a child, whether he is their blood grandchild or not. And if they don't want to budge in favor of fairness for your older child, then you must turn a cold shoulder to their sending of gifts. Your child's self esteem is at stake here. If you don't look out for your child, who will?
And you probably feel in your gut, that you are right. If possible,speak to the grandmother and tell her that even though the other two are her blood grands, that you also have a child that needs love and that he sees it when the blood children receive things. Just ask her to stop sending or giving the other two things. Tell her that your child has feelings and that your responsibility is to the love and care of all of your children and that she would not like it if she had a child when she married and her husband rejected that child.
I feel like I am the last person in the world who believes in fairness and will stand up to my husband and inlaws when they hurt me or my children. Many women shake in fear of this, not me.
Lacye - posted on 08/16/2012
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In this instance, yes he should have defended you and your children. He is the one that decided to take your oldest on as his own child and he should step up to his parents and tell them that your son is his son as well.
But as for defending his wife on everything, it would depend on the situation. If the wife is completely wrong, then no.