Someday you might be a step-mom how would you want to be treated?

Meredith - posted on 10/10/2015 ( 7 moms have responded )

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With 50% of marriages ending in divorce it is highly likely that you will become a part of a blended family one day.
As a step-mother and a bio-mother I had come to Circle of Mom's looking for advice on being accepted as a step-mom and dealing with a bio-mom who unfortunately just wants to make things hard for everyone.

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Jodi - posted on 05/25/2016

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Meredith, to be fair, your initial post didn't come across as you looking for advice, it came across as a bit of a general statement. And therefore, when I read Hannah's advice, I read it as being the general "YOU" rather than pointing fingers at the individual "YOU".
You can't dictate who responds or how they respond or if it goes in a direction you don't agree with. If you don't like the response, then ignore it.

Noone here has been "step mother bashing". I think you are being overly sensitive about it and taking it way too personally.

Hannah - posted on 04/25/2016

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I agree. However, in cases where the step mom actively broke up a marriage she cannot expect to be respected. That may seem harsh but it's true.

If this is the case the only way it can be better is if you apologise to the bio mom : yes it may not be just because of you that the marriage broke up and that she is forced to see her children less but you played a huge role. Her life and her children's life has been turned upside down. Acknowledge that you broke the "let no man put assunder" and ask her to forgive you and make the best of the situation. Let her understand that you will respect HER rules in parenting even if you didn't respect the sanctity of marriage. I think this is the only way you can hope for some kind of reconciliation. Also never, ever, ever say ANYTHING bad about the mother in front of the children, even if you feel it is waranted. You are just the woman who shacked up with Dad - you are no Mom to these kids.

Jodi - posted on 10/11/2015

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"I do understand and respect what you are saying however all situations are different and it sounds as though mine is very different from yours. "

Absolutely agree with you :)

It isn't okay to act like children. We all need to be able to step up and act like adults, which includes having respectful relationships even if we don't want to sometimes. This is how we set examples for our children about respectful relationships. But some people just don't have it in them.

However, there are also those times the biological mother has a right to be upset at the step mother (and the father has a right to be upset at the stepfather). I've seen situations where that has been acceptable too. But it all comes down to how the behaviour affects the child.......

Jodi - posted on 10/10/2015

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"However "butt out" is pretty un-supportive... anyone that cares enough to seek advice doesn't deserve "butt out" for a response.... I just personally find that rude and most people would not consider the response at all because it started with a butt out.. a better thing to say might be while you mean well and I know your are trying to help maybe you should ... and then give the response.."

I didn't "literally" mean "butt out"........I meant "butt out" in so many words, LOL :)

But I will be honest, my son's step mother has very little to do with his life, and his father has barely been involved in raising him to be the young man he is today, so I wouldn't put up with her trying to stick her nose in all over the place. And as a stepmother, I also stay out of the arrangements, and I have been a stepmother for 11 years, so not like I'm the new stepmother. To be honest, my place is and always will be beside and supporting my husband in HIS decisions around his children, but certainly not making him change arrangements, etc. I would actually be very understanding if the mothers of my stepchildren got upset if I started to get overly involved in some things, and it truly IS the time to say "back off".

Jodi - posted on 10/10/2015

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"I notice that all the conversations here and everywhere paint the Stepparents, especially step-moms very unflattering and with no real advice to help things get better just topics to add fuel to keep the fire going .."

Actually, on this point, I am going to disagree with you. I don't believe all posts here paint stepparents in an unflattering way and give no advice. Sure, they may often tell the step-parent to butt out, because ultimately, they are not the parent, but I don't see many unsupportive posts. Butt out is still valid advice.

Advice like "get family counselling", "get your husband to step up and be the parent" are also completely valid statements in a blended family situation. His kids, HE has to step up, not the step parent.

Anyway, I am generalising, because I am not sure why you are finding that so many here are painting stepmothers in an unflattering way.

PS, just for the record, I am a step mother AND a bio mother.

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