soon to be step mom

Michelle - posted on 06/03/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )




ok! here goes. I am wondering if I am truly loosing control or just a bad person. I am 30 years old, no children my self, but soon to marry into 3. My fiancé and I have been together for 2 years now, and I have known him even prior to this for over 10. this is what I am struggling with. I was raised in a very strict home! To be seen and not heard. if I was out of line, in even the smallest amount my butt got paddled. Screaming yelling it was constant in our house. We were never to ask for anything that was not necessary. I could keep going, but I hope the point I am trying to make is obvious. I grew up hard! So then I add into my life of not being able to bare children and find I have fallen unconditionally in love with a man and 3 kids. So my struggle is! They don't listen, and at times all I know how to react is in the same as my mother. Now mind you I have never ever crossed that line, for fear of being like my parents. This was just "no you cant get this, no you cant get that". Or trying to control myself so I don't loose it. the problem I have is, if I say no my fiancé says yes. If I say fnish dinner or you don't get to have desert, he says its fine you canhave desert. I get frustrated, because I am very much trying to be a good parent, but he says he doesn't want them to not have things, because they cant get things at their mothers house. yet to be honest we teach them manners which take all weekend to succeed in and then start all over again every time. its a battle to get them to clean up after themselves, and maybe its just the age. 4,5,6. we don't disagree on everything, it more or less when I say no he says yes. when whining gets under my skin I completely loose it and just want to cry. I WAS NEVER ALOUD TO DO THAT! The worst part is, that my fiancé just says I am to negative and talk nothing but depressing about or around them


View replies by

Dove - posted on 06/04/2015




It sounds like you were raised in a very abusive home and you are trying to not repeat that... so good for you. Perhaps some counseling can help you to overcome what the abuse ingrained in you.

You and their father need to be on the same page. You saying no, but their father saying yes just confuses them... so why SHOULD they listen? They are the kids, you are the adults. If the two of you can not agree (in private) then you must defer to their father... because he IS their father, but he needs to be made aware of how the inconsistencies between the two of you are causing turmoil for his children.

The best thing you can do to/for a whining child is walk away and ignore it.

Leah - posted on 06/03/2015




I also have bonus kids, and I tell ya, it is a rough road to walk at times. I have been in their life for so long now, I don't really differentiate between them, except I have to share the with someone else.

I really feel your struggle. When your house is more structured and the other has none, it is really hard for dad to say, "sorry, but we don't behave this way," especially when they are so young. Because honestly, who wants to be the, "punishment house." In the long run, the structure at your house will actually be more desirable to them. The fun house is great for a while, but children really do crave structure. My husbands kiddos and I have some rough patches. And my husband and I do as well. Even though I have been their step-mom for 10 years (and they are 11 and 12), there is still a bit of "they are my kids," that happens from time to time.

But at the end of the day, you need a united front. I have spent 10 years building a relationship with his ex. It may not be in tip top shape at the moment (as you can see in one of my posts), but for the most part we have the ability to communicate. If you can't have similar boundaries from one house to the other, it really creates a struggle. It is definitely worth the effort on everyones behalf to try and make things somewhat unanimous. They need structure far more than just on alternating weekends.

Also, I would definitely let him know that when he undermines you in front of the kids, it doesn't just upset you but opens the door for them to not have to listen in the future. When he says yes, if you say no, it makes the kids have the sensation that, at this age, translates to, "Michelle is mean." And those aren't things you want. You want a happy and healthy, loving relationship with his kids. Let him know you need his support to make this happen. That you don't want to keep them from having things, you just want them to know that there are rules and boundaries that have to be respected, so everyone can be happy.

Cynthia - posted on 06/03/2015




Oh, STBSM, what a struggle you have ahead of you if things keep going like this. First, I am going to ASSUME that the relationship between your fiancee and his ex leaves something to be desired, which is tough because it takes a village to raise a child. I am incredibly lucky that my daughter's dad and I work very well together to try to raise our daughter separate, but together. We went to counseling to find ways of co-parenting and the biggest part is that the rules need to carry over from one house to the other. Obviously, that is not happening in your situation. So, at this point, you will be best off seeing a counselor with your fiancee to come to some resolution to your current situation. I can tell you from my life, that if you and he can't get on the same page and support each other's decisions and rules when it comes to the kids, your life is only going to get harder as they get older. They will start resenting you, and so will he, for trying to put your foot down. Now, I am not saying that my situation is perfect, far from it, but at least we know that we can count on each other for support and to back each other up - even if he is a LOT more lenient and over-compensating when she is at his house.

I would highly recommend trying to get him to see a couple's counselor with you BEFORE you actually get married. Hopefully, hearing from a non-partial 3rd party will help you two both get on the same page.

Good luck!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms