Step-mother of an miserable 20 year-old step-daughter!!!!

Shelly - posted on 11/12/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




I have recently married 1 1/2 years ago) a man that was a widower. At first, his children loved me (which I believe now was the "thought" of a nice woman there for their dad...) However, since I officially moved into "their" home 6 months ago, we all have different realities and for the most part all of us are learning to adjust, except for my husband's daughter. She is the typical "ME" generation: has absolutely no care, concern or common courtesy for anyone, AND is the laziest girl! I do not want to bash on her more than that, but think of the most opposite person from yourself, spread thin to make every accommodation to be gracious at all cost, taking the highest road (as God would have me do) and still have to deal with face of a young, immature, bossy, unkind (down right mean) girl who expects to live in her world of entitlement without so much as a pleasant word for anyone ever! I do not like her, but I have to do what I can to set an example for my children 10 & 13 that have to see how a "mean girl" operates. I do not need psychology to tell me what is going on with her, I know. I have researched the grieving of teenage girls that lose their mothers. I have lived it with my two (female) cousins that lost their beloved mother (My favorite Aunt) when they were late teen and early 20's. They are beautiful girls that embraced the beauty of their mom and have gone on to a strong faith, with beautiful families (that their mother was not here to witness) and have used their pain and sadness to uplift other women who have shared the same loss. My step-daughter is completely opposite of the experience I have shared in my family. My step-daughter is a product of a family that spoiled her immensely, cultivated no sense of responsibility, or manners early on, told her how beautiful she was and showered her with material things, then when her mother passed, her dad (my husband) compensated to another level for his daughter. HE, unfortunately, has enabled this behavior and although he is NOT blind to her extremely poor behaviors, it is a pattern that he has lived with and intervening now--setting some new ground rules is too hard for him because he is still trying to protect her since her mother (his late wife) went to be with Jesus a few years ago. As a result of this, my step daughter still lives under our/her roof (well, I have moved into their home with my children), does not one chore, comes and goes as she pleases without consequences. Their is no respectful curfew and my husband pays her way on everything...Mercedes (at 17 mind you), insurance, health, incidentals, food. She pays no rent. Until 2 weeks ago finally got a job, so I no longer have to see her get up out of bed at noon and then wait for her boyfriend so they can continue to lay around all afternoon and evening. However, since I have known her, she quits everything she starts, so I am hoping a light bulb has gone on for a reckoning time! I have never seen the likes of a girl like her and I can't even describe the picture here on a daily basis. Anyway, I have a husband that is a God fearing man and is so worth all the challenges we have ahead. Before we got married we commuted between AZ & CA for 2 years building our relationship. Although I visited for many many months, the courtship and the marriage, living together has shown his daughter to be so different than when I was just the anticipated girlfriend for the long weekend. It was fun and whimsy to her then, but I have been told that she has more right to her house then I do and that her dad has a responsibility to care for her for all she has gone through which includes taking care of her until she (decides) to move out. Now, I am faced with what to do as an acknowledgement that tomorrow her mother would have been 50 years old and she wants everyone to fawn over her for her loss--it is not about her mother at all! My heart wants to do something small because I would want "me" to be remembered if my children lost me, but I just don't know what is right. Further, my husband (her father) will not be here to acknowledge the way his daughter thinks he should as he will be working out of town it so happens and she is spiteful to him about that. She is just immature and for all her father does, she treats him like %^&$%#! What to do on the whole??? and for what would have been her mother's 50th birthday? How to, in a small way, make an acknowledgement???? Thanks for taking the time! This is my 1st post.


♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/12/2013




Well, to an extent, she's right. She's his biological kid, so his commitment to her should always come ahead of his commitment to you.

You expect your ex to commit to your kids over his new relationships, don't you?

Any change would need to come from and be explained by dad. Period. No exceptions.

This is an excellent reason that family counseling is a MUST for blending families! You didn't really understand the dynamic in the house, he didn't understand that you wouldn't be happy with him treating his kids the way he's always treated them...a big issue is occurring.

My advice, as the kid of the divorce, and the 'bitter, entitled bio child' (because I guarantee, my stepmother would desccribe me the same way you are your husband's daughter) is that you step back honey. She's entitled to whatever her dad wants to give her. He's got to make the choices about how much she's spoilt (or not, depending non POV). When you demand change, and let her know that its "your house now" (or a similar attitude), you awaken the bitch in her for a very good reason. To her, you're the outsider, the usurper, the intruder.

You don't indicate that you've demonstrated any level of compassion for her, her age at the loss of her mother, her grieving process, so on. If you're "experienced" as you claim to be with cousins, ect having experienced losses similar to that, I encourage you to think back to what it took those girls to truly adjust. Perhaps ask their advice on how to approach your step daughter.

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