Stepmom, marriage and CUSTODY BATTLE HELP????

Lisa - posted on 01/13/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hi. My name is Lisa and I am new to this forum. I was a widower with three boys and married a man who also has three children. Together we have six beautiful kids. My husband has been in a very nasty and heated custody battle the entire time we have been together (4 years) and his ex-wife has brainwashed and alienated the children from him. He has fought for custody of the kids and has gone from 18% custody to 50/50. Needless to say she is still battling the terms of that 50/50 and so it goes on and on and not to mention about 200,000 in court/lawyer/evaluators fees. She poisons the children and it is sickening and sad to watch the emotional abuse they suffer with her.

Here is my dilemma. The custody battle is causing marital problems for us. I am and always have been a child advocate as I had worked in childrens ministry for 11 years and I feel very passionate about kids. I love ALL of my children by marriage and I am angry seeing what they endure.

My husband shares information with me (emails, texts ) from her and my blood boils. He needs my support and instead of just letting him make the decisions and be supportive of him I listen and more than not have a problem with how he handles it and I am vocal about it. I feel like it is my battle and I know it is his and I find myself confused because we are married, together and we are united. I feel like I try to protect him from making more mistakes and I am also trying to protect the children when I know I can't when they aren't with us. All of our children get along and love being together (5 boys age 14, two 12's, two 10's and 1 girl age 7). I find myself becoming resentful at times of the children and I do know that the things they say and do are not entirely their fault as they are under pressure and tremendous negative influence with their mother.

I am thankful that the courts have seen it now and have granted the 50/50 although there is nothing in writing yet as she refuses to be reasonable. Why can't I be happy about that? Why can't I just sit back and keep my mouth quiet and just support my husband? Why do I want to fight so fiercely for my children by marriage?

I really could use some help as it is really hurting my marriage. Please give me some guidance and feel free to ask my any questions for clarification as our situation is very complicated.

Thank you. Lisa


Ev - posted on 01/13/2013




It is all you can really do is to be his support. That is what he needs the most. You can go to court and hold his hand as the court takes place, you can let him vent his frustrations and be that extra ear he needs besides his lawyers, you can ease his stress by doing little things for him, keep telling him you love him, and most of all tell the kids this too. But the thing you can not do is decide what he does in all of this no matter if you think it is a mistake or not or if he is giving in too much to the ex-wife and her demands. Its not worth it. And those three kids he and she share are suffering the most for it all. Your kids are suffering too with this added tension as well. You need to let the kids know that you love them all everyday and every minute you think of it. Most of all encourage them. You also need to let your husband know that the longer this goes on the worse the kids will feel. This is not about the adults and what they want its what is best for the kids. If the kids are better off living with their mother just so they do not have to worry about being between homes every so often, then it is a lot better than them worrying over whose house they will live in for months at a time. THey need something stable in their lives no matter whose house they end up at. Its not an easy choice. But in the long run if the right one is made the kids will thank you for it.

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