Stepson is a terror... How new stepmom should deal...??

Amanda - posted on 03/02/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )




My SS is a terror! He's 6 and I really think he has ADD- he does not listen, follow directions or have regard for authority. He challenges everyone around him. My daughter is 7 and I have tried my best to instill manners and respect for others, especially adults in her since she was little.

I was told to lead by example when she was a toddler (use manners with everyone- clerks, waitresses, etc because they are paying attention even when you think they aren't!) And this has carried over into my child acting in the same manner.

However, my SS has a less than socially acceptable acting mother. She tried to attack me and pull me out of my DH's car the first night she saw us together at my now SS's school function (I was actually on the phone with my daughter who was with my parents at the time, and she starting cussing and trying to pull me out of his car when I told her I was on the phone and couldn't talk at the moment). I did not see her coming or expect this kind of behavior and was wrapped up in my talking to my child about her day.

Things have gotten progressively worse. She told my DH she wanted to let me know she was sorry a few months after this incident, but I told him I could see through her and didn't believe her but time would tell. Well, she ended up acting up again when she came to pick up my SS. I was talking to my now DH about an idea and she got in my face, yelled, cursed and really looked like a psycho- again in front of her child! (Mine was not around or on the phone this time, thankfully!)

I've had to have a talk with my daughter about keeping her distance from this crazed woman (I do not let my daughter come outside the house when my SS's mom picks him up, but I also had to talk to her about staying away from her at school functions or if she is there to volunteer since my DD and SS go to the same school).

My DH has split custody and I think the constant shifts back and forth are taking a toll on everyone. I worry my daughter is going to resent this situation because he's always acting up but he doesn't seem to have any real consequences. He told us a few weeks he doesn't care about anyone but himself and he wouldn't stop throwing a fit until he got his way. (We were traveling and my DD and SS were taking turns picking out movies but he decided half-way through her movie, he thought it was his turn. Keep in mind he had an iPod and a tablet to play with as well).

I don't feel it is fair to my DD to have to deal with his temper tantrums as they affect everyone around him. I do NOT want him to go on vacation with MY family this year. I know that sounds bad, but he goes on vacations with his mom and we are taking a separate vacation with just us too this summer. I just want a true vacation where I can actually have some peace and not have to deal with a 6 yo acting like a 2 yo in a constant power struggle. Everyone gets punished because of his behavior and I'm over it!! For instance, this week... every night he was here, he threw a fit of some sort and got in trouble (going to bed early, having TV taken away, getting spanked... and my DH had made a deal with them- if they behave this week, he will take them to see a movie and I can rest. Well.... my SS got to go to the movie!! Even though he was in trouble and acted up every night he was here!! I'm worried my DD is processing this and seeing how it doesn't matter what he does, he gets in trouble but still gets a big reward in the end...)

I suggested counseling for my now SS about a year ago. We took him and the counselor suggested they change his schedule to week on/week off (his schedule was made when he was a toddler and the need to see both parents on a more constant basis was needed). She said week on/week off would help him settle in one place and not feel so ripped between houses and different rules/schedules/etc. His mom refused (she said "I can't be away from him for that long!") Mind you, we have 5 nights one week, and 2 the next so it wouldn't be that much of an adjustment. It comes down to her refusal to find childcare on her work days for him. I was also told by the counselor that the first word of her statement said it all "I"... It wasn't what was in the child's best interest, but that she made it about her. Now we would have to get a guardian ad litem (GAL) and have the counselor and other professionals (teachers, school officials, etc) write statements and go to court for the judge to order a change since she refuses to cooperate with the plan. He longer goes to counseling because there isn't much else she can do without cooperation as counseling for his age is geared toward parent teaching.

And a side note: I'm also expecting. I was diagnosed with pre-clampsia and my BP seems to skyrocket when he's here. I don't think it's coincidence. My DH says I treat them different (why yes, when one throws a temper tantrum when told no and the other accepts it and moves on; how do you not??.... I would do that if they were both biologically mine...)

Any suggestions?!

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