Stepson question

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

I married a man two years ago that I adore. It was a second marriage for both of us. He has two boys (14 and 16) and I never wanted children of my own. This obviously is a challenge for us everyday. I care about his kids but to say I love them unconditionally is not realistic for me. It's a challenge for me for sure both personally and due to the fact his previous marriage is still ugly to this day after 8 years of being divorced. And, no, I didn't even know him while he was married and met a year after he was divorced.

My challenge is this. The kids and I get along and they really do like me and vice versa but I am not connected with them. I understand this is me but I'm 45 and so it is. Anyway, my husband wants to take his youngest son out of town on his weekend. The oldest doesn't want to go. His grandparents are out of town and so now the oldest son wants to stay with me and not go with his dad. His dad knows I'm uncomfortable havin them spend the night here if he's not here and until now it's never been an issue. He wants to stay here and have a little party for his upcoming birthday and his dad won't be here. I am uncomfortable with that for several reasons. Firstly, I feel it's inappropriate for a 16 year old boy to be here with just me. (I don't feel comfortable with that and with his mom's history, I'm don't feel comfortable with may happen with her.) but mostly because it's the weekend they have to visit with their dad. And if he is not here, then I am not sure why it is an issue. The younger one can go with his group of friends that are also going out of town. It's for a tennis tournament and the dad can stay here with the oldest.
I can't help but think it's a little bit of a jab for my husband to show his ex that look my kids like my new spouse but not yours...which is true for the oldest son. Whatever the reason, I don't feel comfortable and I said that. Obviously, my husband is upset but I do not want to get involved with what could happen. Sounds selfish but there is ugly history I have seen with my husband and ex and we had a discussion about this before our marriage and I told him where my intentions were which is I don't want to be expected to take care of your children on your weekends. Those weekends are for you and your kids and with me but they are boys and you are their dad and that relationship needs to be secured.

Just wondering if anyone else has gone through this?


Michelle - posted on 02/18/2016




I agree with the other ladies. I don't see what the problem is. A small group of 16yo boys will just want to play the xbox/playstation. They don't take a lot of looking after. As long as there is electricity and food they are fine.
I will address what you had said to your husband about his children though. Just because you said you don't want to be looking after them on his weekends, it sounds like it doesn't happen every weekend. Once in a while is to be expected, especially as they get older and do different things. Your husband can't be in 2 places at once and may need your help occasionally. I think it's very unfair of you to have that stance. You married a man with children so you should accept the whole package.

Ev - posted on 02/18/2016




And really there is nothing wrong with a kid no matter the age staying with the step parent during the weekend alone. As teens they will more than likely do their own things anyhow. And if he has a bunch of friends over then you won't be entirely alone with him anyway.


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MaryAnn - posted on 02/18/2016




Forget the ex. Life is so much easier that way. This kid is 16, so hes not really a child anymore. Your bond with his boys doesnt have to be parental. Read that again. Doesnt have to be parental. Seriously. If you are a good role model, you CAN be an older friend, and you CAN be his family. It is OKAY. Dont put extra stress on yourself. Its unrealistic to expect yourself to take on that role you never wanted for someone who isnt your flesh and blood, so dont. If you like him, and you both maintain a healthy relationship... You're golden.
As for having him for the weekend, you'd be surprised what a 16 year old can do. You dont have to take care of a 16 year old. Not for a weekend. They pretty much take care of themselves.

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