Trouble with boyfriends 8 yr old daughter

Jane - posted on 08/15/2012

There seem to be a lot of issues at play here. There is obviously a strained relationship between yourselves and his ex; and your partner doesn't seem to want to rock the boat with his child or her mother.
His daughter only gets to see him occasionally and then has to share him with his new family, so it's probably understandable that she feels resentful of the new baby and resorts to attention-seeking behaviours.
Having been a step-mum myself I can empathise how annoying it is when you have no say in the up-bringing of a child but are expected to get along with a child who is being difficult.
Then there is the problem of your partner who doesn't want to address any of these issues and in doing so is making life hard for everyone.
You need to be firm and say to him that there needs to be some effort on his part to work on the problems that seem to be detrimental for all of you, including his daughter. She needs to feel secure, loved and have an understanding of where she fits into your family. Consistent boundaries enforced by all adults should be the way to go, and if he and his ex refuse this then you should make yourself scarce when she is around. In the long run though you will have to have some sort of relationship with her and surely they can agree it is better for their child if you play a positive part in their child's life rather than one of simmering resentment.
The shoe is now on the other foot for me, and my ex has got a partner that I have not got much time for, but my son thinks the world of her and she's good to him so I butt out of what goes on in their house and would expect him to do as she tells him to.
Her behaviour seems to be the result of a sad and confused young child, so please don't be too cross with her, even if she should not get away with bad behaviours. Be really positive with her whenever you catch her doing something that you like.
Good luck

Dove - posted on 08/14/2012

If you aren't allowed to even send her to her room when she is being obnoxious.... then you need to not be alone with her. Explain to your SO that him and his ex need to come to an agreement about this asap or he will have to find alternate childcare for his daughter when he is not around.

Even a babysitter should be able to put a child in time out or in their room when they are throwing a fit. If you can't be respected at least that much.... I would never again be alone with that child.

She NEEDS discipline and firm, but gentle and consistent guidance or they are going to screw her up for life.

Sorry. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 08/14/2012

First of her behavior is a cry for attention from daddy sit him down and tell him that he needs to take part in both the fun and the discipline with his daughter yes she is not with you all the time but discipline is still necessary. I am going out on a limb that the new baby is also his, tell him that unless you want the baby to grow up throwing tantrums and misbehaving that you need to start with house rules now and those rules need to include your daughter create a chart that she can visably see her progress in order to have extra special time with dad then insist that he actually follow through I think you will find that once she is being rewarded with attention for good behavior the bad behavior will start to disappear this is a slow process and dad really does have to be on board. Explain to him that you want to help him raise a happy healthy little girl. Choose a form of discipline and stick with it. There is no reason you should not be allowed to do time outs or sending the child to her room if she is misbehaving as this just tells her that when it is only you she can misbehave and get away with it. I don't however believe you should do major discipline such as spankings.

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2012

Has it occurred to anyone that this child is acting out? You've come on the scene (not sure how long you have been around), then a baby that is getting everyone's attention. Why shouldn't she be acting out? This is classic attention seeking behaviour as a result of changes in her life where she probably feels displaced. The big red flag on this one is that she wants you to drop your son off to grandma's so she can have alone time with you, and you can't see she is trying to open up an opportunity for her to have you to herself for a little bit without your attention constantly going to the baby? Can you see how that might be the situation?



Also, is she with you full time? or does she have mum in her life? This can have an effect too. I don't think it is fair to say it is merely a discipline issue. It's not as simple as that.

Kory - posted on 08/15/2012

This little girl is hurting, badly. She doesn't need discipline for this behavior, she needs love, attention, patience, and understanding. Put your big girl panties on, be the grown up, and consider what she might be going through emotionally.



Once you've done that you can find some great advice here:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/



And here:

http://www.peaceful-parent.com/

https://www.facebook.com/TheWayOfThePeac...



I'm actually quite appalled at how many responses to this are accusing the girl of bad behavior, etc without addressing the stress of the situation at all. For the lady that suggested there's something wrong with the girl and that she needs to be tested... I didn't read anything there that seemed unreasonable for this situation, especially when you consider this girl is only seeing her father once a month, maybe.



Honestly if I were the mother of this child I wouldn't be comfortable leaving the child with a care taker who thought so little of my child's feelings.



OP, don't take her behavior personally. It's not about you! It's about her. She's hurting, help her. Think of it this way, if things got switched around and it was your son hurting so, wouldn't you want the other paremt figures involved to help him?

Madison - posted on 10/10/2012

i would ground my daughter and punish her until she knows what she did wrong because they are to young to know about a boyfriend and also u should call the parent and let them know what is going on and tell them to stay away from my child

User - posted on 09/28/2012

I don't have any ideas but if you are acting as her mother you should absolutely be allowed to discipline her. My husband, their step father has been here for 5 years now. In the beginning Itried to do all the discipline myself but they didn't respect him or his home so Ihad to just trust in him and he can get these kids to do things Inever could. The household is so much more peaceful since Igave in.

Carmelita - posted on 09/28/2012

My suggestion is you need to talk to your boyfriend that he need to discipline her by talking one on one, if she doesn't listen put away one of her favorite toys, until she stop.

Natasha - posted on 09/26/2012

Here is my opinion....

If it looks like a Duck. Walks like a Duck...Then it is a Duck....

Adult relationships are more important than Children. .The Bible says bend a tree while its young....Spare the Child bend the Rod....

I do believe that Young girl is minipulating your life an your bf...an if you want a successful anything in life you need to stand together....So ask yourself this...why is he not allowing u to Disipline this child...is your relationship with her an the family unite not important for him....

How important are you to him...an your healthy life style an Family?♥

Pamela - posted on 09/24/2012

I feel your pain, I really do! When I was with my ex, his then 2 year old was a little TERROR. I constantly had a problem with the "guilty daddy" syndrome. My ex and I are still friends, and the boy LOVES me, but when we first got together, we had a TON of problems. I couldn't get him to do ANYTHING, and daddy wouldn't discipline him. Finally, what changed was when I had the idea that I disciplined him when it came to MY stuff. If boy had something of mine (HE LOVED MY NOOK) and i asked him to treat it a certain way, I got to deal with him if he broke that rule. It eventually morphed into I was allowed to discipline, but not spank, in other areas. A 2-3 year old boy is NOTHING like an 8 year old girl, but divorced kids all go through the same things. My guess is that she feels like she HAS no family, because her daddy was stolen from her by this lady and her son. She probably feels like she fits in nowhere. I agree with the other posts about talking to your boyfriend, but be prepared if it changes nothing right away. He may resent you at first for trying to tell HIM how to discipline HIS daughter, but just explain that you want to be a family, but it's difficult when you aren't allowed to act like a parent. don't focus on the daughter, even though it's her behavior. that will make it WORSE. TRUST ME. Focus on what YOU want, and that is to be a family, and being a family means BOTH parents are allowed to discipline. BTW, Spanking an 8 year old girl is NOT discipline. Best of luck to you!

Jennifer - posted on 09/21/2012

My daughter is also 8 and acts alot like what you are describing of your step daughter. She live in my home and her dad in another state. I am starting counseling with her to see if I can get some answers myself. Also keep in mind that she is changing into a women and all those hormones are very hard on us lady's. My daughter is the oldest of three (two younger brothers 3yrs and 3months). On one hand I think we both have some very spoiled kids on our hands and we didn't guide them in the right direction from the beginning and it is very hard to change behavioral patterns now they are at the age of 8 going on 16 lol.

In my opinion I would talk to her you are her step mom and become that rock she needs. Disregard the things she says about your baby she is trying to get a reaction out of both of you and it is working. However I would not leave her in charge of watching him.



Best of luck to you and remember she is only 8 wanting to be normal, happy, and unhurt. Remind her that non of what has taken place is her fault.

Cat - posted on 09/18/2012

Firstly, I believe that she needs structure and discipline from her father. It is very important that this type of behavior gets corrected and dealt with in a prompt manner or it's only going to get worse (teenage years, YIKES!) as time passes. I would sit him down and have an open and honest discussion about your reasons for needing this discipline and an explanation of his lack of discipline. If you approach it in a positive way by pointing out the good things he does for his daughter & your family first, I'm sure he would be much more receptive to any talk about his lack of discipline. Second, I think tht it's also important that you let him know that you take ownership of this problem as well- if you work together to implement discipline & structure the path to a calm and peaceful household is much easier! I would let him know your expectations of him but also reassure him that you are there with him to solve this problem.



I would start by making a list of house rules, making sure to include her as well; if she loves art decorate your rule chart with her to make if more fun! Lay out what is acceptable and unacceptable when it comes to behaviors you expect from her. Let her know what the consequences will be if she doesnt follow the house rules. Specifically, that lying is not tolerated and she will have consequences ( take a toy away for the day, looses T.V. time, etc) if she chooses to lie.



Next I would encourage you to really consider the root of her behavior- is she emotionally overwhelmed because there's a new baby in the house? Is she getting enough time to just play and be a kid? Is she getting enough sleep? Does she need to spend more one-on-one time with you or her father?

I hope everything works out for you!

Sonia - posted on 09/17/2012

Oh my gosh, reading this story is like rewinding my life about 7 years! I had the exact same problem with my now husband and stepdaughter who just turned 15. She was forever lying and trying to come between us, and I did not deal with the discipline of her as well! You need to have a very truthful discussion with your bf about it. It is very hard I know, but you need to explain to him what is happening and how you feel about it. She needs boundaries whilst with you, it is very hard expecially if he is what my sister in law calls a "weekend daddy" where he only gets to see her a little bit and therefore he doesn't want to spend his precious time with her fighting and punishing her and therefore lets her get away with anything!You need to stand your ground and also tell her (while daddy is present) that what she says and lies about hurts your feelings especially since you love her so much. It's very difficult, I have been there, but you can get through it. The rules needs to be set up and your bf needs to agree to them and make her stick by them as well, it will get easier with time :) My step daughter and I now have a great relationship. One more thing to remember. To her, you are the one who broke up her mummy and daddy - no matter what the circumstance or how long they were not together before you came along, you are the reason they are no longer together. She is only eight after all, she doesn't understand grown up relationships.

Phyllis - posted on 09/17/2012

I too am a step-parent. When my 2 beautiful step daughters were very little I had a problem with them not wearing their seatbelts or taking them off while driving. I told them once that it was not acceptable and the dangers, and the next time I heard them unbuckle while we were driving I hauled off and hit my husband across the chest. He looked in surprize at me and asked what was that for and when I said they took off their seatbelts. I heard the click of the seatbelts and both were in tears and apologizing to their Dad. Any other time I had a bit of a slight disipline problem I reminded them and their Dad of the day in the car and all was taken serious. In 30 years I have never hit or spanked my step children. Maybe that is why now as adults we are amazingly close.

Aleeya - posted on 09/16/2012

I'm just going to be blunt and say get out while you can. The dad may feel guilty about the daughter's mom being gone and the daughter obviously has more emotional things to deal with than an 8-year-old can handle by herself. If she's already telling you to drop your baby because he's crying do you think she might try something if you turned your head for a minute and left him alone? It all hinges on the dad because he's the adult and if he's not willing to do anything to help his daughter then she's not going to change either. Take care of yourself and your son.

Kathy - posted on 09/16/2012

You need to have a talk with your bf, agree on what kind of disipline is acceptable and that he understands that if you are alone with her or if he is going to get up and leave then u should have the right to disipline. The daughter is acting out because she is trying to find her place in the new family, kids need structure you need to teach her what is acceptable behavior and that she is loved, and she is a big sister she has an important role in your baby's life and hors too. Don't reward bad behavior stick to your rules, she will come around. Food luck

Esther - posted on 09/08/2012

she is obviously not comfertable with her dad seeing someone new, she wants her mom and may think you are trying to replace her mom. Have you tried talking to her about her mom, asking questions about her and then you can try to understand her and listen to her. Find out what she likes to do and bond with her. Make your connection stronger slowly, then i`m guessing she`ll be happier and nicer around everyone and everything.

Michelle - posted on 09/08/2012

Hi Britney, My suggestion would be to do artistic activities with her like painting and baking this will get her to trust you and show her your not that bad a person. Also the tantrums that you described isn't really typical of an 8 year old girl therefore I think that the sort of discipline you are trying to use will never work for this child, it's time for more advanced tacts like talking to her like she's a mature person discuss why you don't like the way she is behaving and tell her how you would like her to behave instead. When my boys were 8 smacking and time outs didn't work anymore too because they were going from the stage of kid to teenagers as a Mum I had to adapt. My boys are generally well behaved children. As a stepmum you need to be able to get along with the mum. When your stepdaughter is misbehaving ask her if you behaved like that to your mother what would your mother do? or maybe the food that you are cooking is something that she doesn't like to eat for example by boys wouldn't eat tomatoes so you wouldn't expect them to eat spaghetti bolognaise maybe try getting your stepdaughter to help you with cooking ask her what she would like to have for dinner and ask her if she would like to learn how to cook it. Anyway keep trying to reach out to her and thing can only get better.

Julie - posted on 09/08/2012

My son was 7 when my daughter was born and he has not handled it well at all. He has said mean things about his sister and after she was born suddenly started being fresh. It has been almost two years now and he is getting better but he had such a hard time with losing some attention. He didn't know where he fit in. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been with a step parent. She does need to follow the rules but she also needs to know she has a place in your family both with you and your boyfriend. For us that included trying to set aside alone time for our son with each of us and not asking him to help with the baby. (go get her diapers, sit with her while I cook dinner etc.)

Susan - posted on 09/08/2012

Brittney:



Not sure how long you have mothering sounds like your new at it...It's a growing expirence and you need to take charge of the situation by manuvering around the dad and ex by including her in the care of your son. Try asking her advice on what she thinks is going on with the baby? example: if he's crying, ask her something like now what do you think is wrong with him? You think he might be hungry or should we check to see if he's wet? In doing so she will begin to think less about herself and redirect her attention to the baby and enjoy kinda telling you what to do at the same time.



It's going to take her and her Mom and Dad time to accept your inclusion in her upbring but if the relationship with her dad is what you want in life then it will be worth palcing yourself in a position of needing and wanting her before she will allow herself to want to need you. It's alot of work but the payback is so worth it.

Tammy L - posted on 09/05/2012

I would seriously tell him, it,s counseling or you're leaving. I had to do this with my husband and it still took months for the counselor to get him to understand that his lack of discipline and blindness to his kids lies were causing the problems. By the way, he didn't agree to counseling until after I had moved out! I new I couldn't take the mental abuse if it continued and I'm guessing you're going through some of it too. Good Luck and I hope everything works out. Tammy

Carrie - posted on 09/02/2012

Your step daughter is being a classic bitch plain and simple shes deliberately giving you a hard time and my advice would be most defiantly not take it to heart, ignore her behavior but don't shut her out, you must work some magic and be nice to her, get her the odd inexpensive thing that maybe her mum doesn't get her like something girly, hairstuff / nail-varnish, become her friend, stop telling her what she should and shouldn't do, but advise her as you would to a friend and don't expect your bf to understand cause hes a man, I know its hard but you have to let her adjust, this child is going to be part of your life and eventually she will become more confident in you and stop the attention seeking, it will be worth it in the end cause she will become a great friend and helper for her baby brother

Aimee - posted on 09/01/2012

I assume you and your boyfriend live together? I don't believe in the whole "do not do the disciplining, let the bio parent do that" because then the child will soon figure out that, in your case, "step-mommy can't do anything about it, so I am going to misbehave and get away with it." Not only that, but it's not just her dad's house, it's also your house. And with it also being your house, you should be able to enforce the rules and consequences that apply to that house. Although I do believe grounding should be up to the bio parent.



My boyfriend's daughter used to fight us every single time she was supposed to brush her teeth, usually before bed worse than the morning, for months. One night I finally said to her (in an upbeat voice, rather than an angry voice) "what do you think that when you come here you're taking a vacation from reality?" Her answer was "well...yeah..." Although I was not expecting that response, her dad and I laughed and told her "no way missy, brush your teeth." Another time we asked "does you mom make you brush your teeth every night?", "yes", "then why do you think you don't have to brush your teeth when you are here?" She had no response to that one. I feel like if you ask questions that require an answer that is more than "yes" or "no" you will get through to the child much easier.



My boyfriend is also a push-over, like yours seems to be, when it comes to the daughter. I would strongly encourage a conversation with him that makes him realize he is being controlled by an 8 year old, and that it is not going to help her through life. Because when she becomes a teen she will expect a lot more than just ice cream. He needs to step up and be a parent, a positive roll model, and not a push-over. It took me a year to get that through my boyfriend's head. I just told him that his daughter is just going to get worse as the years go on, and it won't be my fault.

Mary - posted on 09/01/2012

Obviously, the dad does not spend enough time with her since he and the mom are not together and now she has even less time with him because of the new baby. Personally, I feel bad for the kid. She is not old enough to cope with having a part time dad and when she is with him she has to share him with you and the new kid. Personally, if. I was her mom I would not allow my child to go visit daddy and his shack up girlfriend. Poor little girl.

Kim - posted on 08/28/2012

honestly, i couldn't be with a man with a child that bad. especially if i have kids of my own. The question you should ask is, if your kids was that bad he would stay with you. It sounds like he is just as frustrated as you. He doesn't know what to do his self. The mother must be dysfunctional.

The majority of men would leave you in a heart beat if that was your child. If you haven't connected yet. You probably will not connect.

Natalie - posted on 08/28/2012

I feel your pain. I am also going thru the same thing but my boyfriend likes to play favoritism when his son is around and has different rules for his son then my 2 boys. His son doesn't respect me or listens to me and it's ok with his dad because dad doesn't want to parent.

Michelle - posted on 08/28/2012

I agree with Kory. Discipline may help control the tantrums but does nothing to help the underlying problems!

Teresa - posted on 08/28/2012

I would leave him because he isn't going to deal with his daughter and its unfair to you and your son! He might grow up and realize he has to deal with his daughter's issues!

Angel - posted on 08/28/2012

If he has court ordered visitation the mother has no voice as to where they go or whom the child is around. She has no opinion as to whether or not you can discipline and what time you spend together. If he does not have court ordered visitation he should. He needs to show her he is willing to fight for the opportunity to have her in his life more regularly. A court mediator can and will explain to the mother that she really has no say about what rules and who enforces them that you have in your home. yes, the best thing would be for you all to get along but If she is not willing to be reasonable your man needs to get a back bone and stick up for you both. That girl needs consistency and needs to know what the hard and fast rules are. No quibbling.

Gayle - posted on 08/28/2012

My boyfriend's 6-7 year old daughter nearly ruined our relationship! If he hadn't been willing to work on discipline issues with me, we would never have made it. If your boyfriend isn't willing to see the problem realistically, if I were you, I'd run like I was on fire! When children aren't taught about boundaries and respect it really makes it hard on everyone. Here's the reality: children like discipline because it makes them feel safe. They know what they can and can't get away with...and I think the problem is more with the boyfriend than the child. She KNOWS how to "work Daddy"....and get away with it, too! I told MY boyfriend he was playing with fire. I gave it to him right between the eyes! If you don't do something, she's going to end up in jail before she turns 15! He started watching that super nanny show and then he got the picture. She is MUCH better now....but if I hadn't had his help, we'd be done, done, DONE!

Kirsten - posted on 08/27/2012

My advice is that your BF needs to grow up and take responsibility for his daughter. If you are not allowed to discipline, then you should be the one to leave and go outside when she throws her fits, not him. He needs to discipline and deal with her behavior constructively so that she learns it is unacceptable. I have a SS and have dealt with him not listening to me and pretty much ignoring a lot of what I say for the past 4 years so I decided to disengage from much discipline because he doesn't respond to what I say or do anyway. It goes in one ear and out the other. What makes this "interesting" is that since I am a stay at home mom to not only him but my bio daughter as well, I am basically there during the day to enforce what expectations my husband has set for our son between the two of them. My husband and I discuss what needs to happen in private and he implements them by himself so that the actual words being spoken come from him, not me. But I am still involved, just behind closed doors. If needed, he phones my husband during the day (at work) to discuss behavioral problems. This has helped bring to light how bad the situation is because before my husband would think that I was part of the problem. The more he experiences what I experience, he learns this is not true. I think the "rule" about no discipline involvement from non bio parents is unacceptable. Step parents are a part of the child's life as much as bio parents and if you cannot discipline then you will be walked on and treated badly because the child knows they can act that way and you can't/won't do anything about it; and if the bio parents aren't doing anything about it, the behavior will not change and just get worse as they get older. You need to be involved in discipline in some form, even if it is just enforcing what the bio parents have decided. Good luck!!

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2012

I completely understand your situation. I have a 9 year old daughter who has a 14 year old half sister. It has always been a struggle with her. It completely has to do with the level of attention that she get's from her father. When she comes and stays by you guys, definitely make a point to have separated time. It may not always be ideal, but if he will take her to see a movie during the day or something like that, it will give them one on one time.



I never got in the middle when it came to discipline (it always seemed to come back and bite me later when she would go home and tell her mother what a biatch I was). I have pulled myself away from her (sad, I know), but finally she is coming around. It may be because she is getting older.



Definitely sit down and talk to your BF. You both need to be on the same playing field when it comes to her, and be consistant.

Mary - posted on 08/27/2012

It's clear you have the WRONG boyfriend - get out while you can!

Paulette - posted on 08/26/2012

Oops your =her

Paulette - posted on 08/26/2012

I'm too am a step-Mom, remember this United you both ( you and your bf) stand. Divided you will fall. Kids are smart and she will work and sounds like she has worked a wedge between you and your bf. If your not on the same page then it will never workout. So if you are with her more you should be able to discipline her, and he needs to back you up. And if not then he needs to be around 24/7 to do it. And you bf needs to quit being Disneyland Dad that will not do her any good trust me. Call his daughter on her drama and let her know there are rules and consiquences for your poor behavior. I speak from experience. Hang in there it will get better if you stick together.:)

Susan - posted on 08/26/2012

She definetly needs to have rules...

Setting rules are not discipline...

Good Luck!

Jodi - posted on 08/26/2012

My ex hubby, his girlfriend and my 7 year old son has the exact same issue. His reason is he despises his fathers gf so much. With him being so young this is how he expresses his frustration. I have zero sympathy because if she wasn't around on the days my son has 1 on 1 time with him, they could bond. I think deep down they always think of their mom and have deep resentment towards the "new" female.

Ashley - posted on 08/20/2012

Ok, why CANT you disipline her? Its YOUR house, YOU make the rules etc. If you cant have any control over her then whats the point of you being in this relationship where you have to "be in charge" of her? That is absolute bull to me. Tell the father to get off his lazy ass n do something to make her stop being a brat. If that dont work, then id honestly NOT be around when she is since you have no control over her punishment in YOUR own house.

Marlena - posted on 08/19/2012

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family, everyone included. I went through the exact same thing. His daughter was 12 though. She was so angry when she found out we were having a baby. We used to have arguments over how she treated me. It put a huge wedge in our relationship. We are no longer together, he gave up rights to my child, never wanted to see her. better off in the long run for my daughter and me. Good luck to you guys. Stepchildren can be a very difficult and sensitive situation.

Anna - posted on 08/19/2012

It irritates me when a step parent isn't "allowed" to discipline a child. You are a parent, it's your house, you are the adult there obviously, you get to discipline her. It's ridiculous to have her get away with murder. She's intentionally driving a wedge between you two and if he doesn't deal with it it's damaging the girl and your relationship with him and the girl. She's in charge and she knows it. Time to put your foot down with him.

Reality - posted on 08/19/2012

Stay out of it, it's clear she's playing you against each other and her mother. Your best bet is to not be one on one with her until she's adjusted.

Jo - posted on 08/19/2012

If you intend to stay in a relationship with this man, you and he and his child should see a family therapist. If you aren't in a serious relationship, now would be a good time to end it. His daughter is pre-pubescent and she's dealing with hormones, a broken home and an unwanted woman who's trying to "ruin her life" by taking her Dad and replacing her Mom and maybe she thinks her Dad will love your child more. I have to tell you something, at 8 years old and still now, my Dad was my hero, my rock, my best friend. Just thinking about what that little girl is going thru hurts me. Stop everything you've done until now. Take a whole new approach. Give her ice cream instead of pot roast, give her one on one time, give her a BREAK. Her world is upside down. And I would never send her to her room or instill any discipline on her until she feels safe and loved in your home and part of your family.

Roxanna - posted on 08/18/2012

Brittney, I like to read all posts before I answer and here is my take.
I agree with one of the ladies that if you won't tolerate bad behavior from another child, be it a friends child or a relative, why would you tolerate it from your SO daughter? It makes no sense. I'm old school, this is my house, these are the rules. End of discussion. My husband is raising my two girls from a previous relationship. They are MY girls, but he is, for all intents and purposes, thier Daddy. We set rules together, we discipline ( and yes, an occassional spank is done), we love and we reward.
A few years ago, his sister abandoned her children, lost custody of her FOUR children and we took them in; ages 9 months, 3 years, 7 years and 9 years old, two boys and two girls. Did I mention I am old school? At first my husband catered to the children, and I nipped that in the bud very quickly! One meal was made for dinner every night, whereas my sister in law would make three different ones for the oldest three. Cereal for breakfast was negotiable, lunch on weekends was flexible, but not bedtime or wearing appropriate clothes and definately how they treated my girls and my dogs. For two years we struggled, physical therapy for the baby because she was underdeveloped, mental therapy for the oldest three becasue of the Mother's behavior. In the state where the SIL abandoned the children, they worked with her and us to bring the children back together with thier Mom, after two years of therapy on her part too, they were reunited with thier parents. Gut wrenching for us, but more so when they children easily slid back to the "incorrect" behavior we tried to fix.
The point that I am trying to make that it is the PARENTS who teach thier children how to behave, your job is to reinforce YOUR rules in YOUR home. If your SO cannot be on board with this, you will have to make some very tough decisions. Obviously, and yes I really mean this, the Mom is making it difficult for her daughter to have a relationship with you and her Dad. Your SO is has no backbone, I'm calling it. You don't sound inmature or inexperienced, stand up for yourself and your little boy.
Good luck

Brittney - posted on 08/17/2012

Her parents have been split up for almost 7 years. Her mom has another little girl that is 4 this is not new to her.

Brooke - posted on 08/17/2012

My child will always be taught to respect adults, that negative actions get no reward, etc. However, cut this kid some slack! You don't sound like an adult in this situation...you sound like a fellow feuding child. She is going through a family breakup and suddenly gets a whole new family. Kids act out when new babies come, but when a whole new family comes?! It sounds like her father wants his time with her to be happy, which is why he probably does not want to discipline her every time you call foul! If you can't learn to love her, leave. Someone else will find a way to reach out to this child. Tolerance of a child is NOT good enough. Oh, and if my ex's new wife were to ever physically discipline my child, I would physically discipline her...just a thought.

Megan - posted on 08/17/2012

Actually, you know what might work... rereading it, she may be trying to figure out what role you have in her life. I mean, if she messes up and you don't do anything, do you even care about her? (I mean, WE know you do, but maybe she's trying to figure it out.) Maybe everytime you think you need to discipline her, hug her. Sit her on your lap and hold her. (Make sure you do it other times to.) Then just tell her that lying's (or whatever) not ok and you'll have to talk to her dad about it- but you'll give her a chance to talk to him first. That you love her and want her to be the best (insert name here) she can be. And part of your job is to help her parents help her learn to be a good person.

Maybe she isn't trying to figure out HER spot in the family, maybe, just like you, she's trying to figure out YOURS.

Arielle - posted on 08/17/2012

I suggest you treat her as you would ANY child that enters your home. If you wouldn't accept these behavoirs from a friend's kid you are babysitting, you cannot accept them from a child you may be raising for the rest of her life. Sit down and talk to her and explain how much you enjoy her company and would like to spend time with her doing fun things, but when she misbehaves, you are not able to do that. Tell her it makes you sad. It doesn't have to have anything to do with your relationship with her father or being a step mom; treat her as if she were a niece. The good behavior chart is a great idea and be consistant, if she misbehaves, she loses the reward, end of discussion. Her father may not stay consistant, but you can be (with rewards that involve you, such as the outing to the park). I aslo suggest you look up the Love and Logic parenting strategy. It works on all ages. The premiss is to take the wind out of the child's sails during misbehavior and to not react angrily. Ex.- If she throws a tantrum you calmly, and in a happy tone, say "Uh oh, this is so sad, looks like a little bedroom time. You are welcome to come back out and join the family when you are ready to be sweet." It gives the child a way to take responsibilty and control over their actions. Your boyfriend can be on the boat or not, it isn't physical discipline. It is about demanding respect in your own home, and this is a non confrontational way to get it. If you wouldn't allow a stranger to stay in your home behaving that way, why a family member?

Tanelle - posted on 08/17/2012

Make sure her mother is not putting negative thoughts in her head. The dad needs to step up. Or when she comes over and starts her crying. You leave and take a walk with your son. Or leave both kids with him.

Brittney - posted on 08/17/2012

thank you all so much your advice/ opinions mean alot at least with some of you im glad im not the only one going thru this! Im goin to sit down and talk to him about the no disiplinary thing and see if we can get her a chart of good behavior. Also going to discus that there will be conequences for her lying, throwing tantrums, etc. Im going to continue to let them do their daddy daughter day bc coming from a split home myself those hours with just me and my dad were special and i want her to have that too. And thanks again everyone for your helpful opinions and advice.

Amber - posted on 08/17/2012

I am a step mom to young n old kids n from the door I let it b known that I will not b a prisoner to these kids in.my own home. At first their moms tried the no discipline mess n I told them feel free to keep ur kids away from me. N sooner than later they nded me so things all chanfed to say the least. Plus my husband supported my stance. U n him have to b on one page bc around there u all r the unit. N kids will play on any break in da seam. I dnt physically do anything to his kids but u will not yell at me n will respect my authory. Ur SO should b supporting u. I believe u nd to tak a stand w/ ur SO. Ur not being respected by any party.

Cindy Marie - posted on 08/16/2012

It's time to leave the boyfriend and his girl , because she always going to get her way.

User - posted on 08/16/2012

I mean where is her mother? Has she not instilled those type of morals in her where she is not to lie (for it is bad), temper tantrums ate prohibited (for they are bad), disrespecting adults is a no go (for it is bad), etc etc. and if the answer is that she is simply not in the picture..well my dear you have been promoted..it's officially ur job now. Inform your boyfriend of your promotion. Yes inform! Because she obviOusly thinks she's running the show!!

Shari - posted on 08/16/2012

Step back and let her father take over, she is his responsibility. This child has had a lot of upheavel in her life and she does not need two adults at odds. Her world has been compromised by adults who are thinking only of themselves, and not her. She is feeling like she has no control in her life, and she is correct. My suggestion is that the two of you seperate and each raise your own children until they are 18.

Kaye - posted on 08/16/2012

oh please...will common sense prevail here. An 8 year old child is being disrespectful and both parents are making excuses. there are no excuses for disrespect, especially if said 8 year old is choosing who to do it to. bottom line....either insist on the very basics of control in your own home..firm no, time out or just have him have his visits elsewhere. The relationship is either a 2 way street or its failing! I'm sorry but i have 7 children, 4 mine and 3 my husbands. If I allow 1 group of children to get away with rudeness i would have had a mutiny on my hands. we raised and i stress we, 7 very respectful and happy children and i have never smacked a one of them, but neither would i ever tolerate disrespect or bad manners. They now have their own kids and are just the same with theirs and their partners (4 have blended families) A child is most secure when they have clearly defined boundaries and clearly defined consequences.

Jussy - posted on 08/16/2012

I had similar with my husbands daughter. I have five children,we have none together. She didn't like my kids, she didn't like me, he would dicipline mine but not her....etc. I tried every way to accommodate her over a period of 18mths. I then became ill and decided after being sworn at that I could no longer put up with her behaviour. She was just five at this point! I told my husband I would happily vacate the house for the weekend so he could spend one to one time with her or he could stay at his parents when she stayed there. Day trips out etc. His answer???? He cut off all ties with her and his family blame me. Apparently, I resent him having a child! I give up! That was 8yrs ago.