
Brittney - posted on 08/14/2012 ( 76 moms have responded )
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Me and my boyfriend cant seem to get along when his daughter is around she is 8 yrs old and constently lies about everything.... example: we were planning a day to the park (me and her) and when her dad asks what we were doing i tell him and she says that im lying. I dont know what to do anymore she throws temper tantrums and cries about everything: brushing her teeth, eating, that she doesnt know what she wants to drink but she wants a drink, taking a shower, and going to bed... I just think if she had a little disipline that the problems would stop. She has also told me to drop my son bc he was crying and asked if we could leave my son at his grandma's bc she doesnt want to be around him... my son is just 6 months old and at the time was 3 or 4 months old....Im at my wit's end and im getting all kinds of crap about not being able to get along with her when i honestly believe that the problem lies with her father and not her. The one time she got displined was bc she started throwing a fit screaming and crying bc she didnt want to eat pot roast ( i think it was she just wanted the ice cream she was promised after) and for 15 min she cried in the living room... and he finally sent her to her room and 15 min later (still crying) she comes and sits at the kitchent able...crying... and then the loveseat... crying... and then next to her dad still crying and instead of telling her to go back ot her room he goes outside and leaves her with me (and yes i would of sent her back to her room but im not allowed to deal any kind of disipline to her) So we sit down to eat and she polishes her plate and then asks for 2nds and so my bf takes her for icecream.
ANY IDEAS IM DESPERATE FOR HELP
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Jane - posted on 08/15/2012
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There seem to be a lot of issues at play here. There is obviously a strained relationship between yourselves and his ex; and your partner doesn't seem to want to rock the boat with his child or her mother.
His daughter only gets to see him occasionally and then has to share him with his new family, so it's probably understandable that she feels resentful of the new baby and resorts to attention-seeking behaviours.
Having been a step-mum myself I can empathise how annoying it is when you have no say in the up-bringing of a child but are expected to get along with a child who is being difficult.
Then there is the problem of your partner who doesn't want to address any of these issues and in doing so is making life hard for everyone.
You need to be firm and say to him that there needs to be some effort on his part to work on the problems that seem to be detrimental for all of you, including his daughter. She needs to feel secure, loved and have an understanding of where she fits into your family. Consistent boundaries enforced by all adults should be the way to go, and if he and his ex refuse this then you should make yourself scarce when she is around. In the long run though you will have to have some sort of relationship with her and surely they can agree it is better for their child if you play a positive part in their child's life rather than one of simmering resentment.
The shoe is now on the other foot for me, and my ex has got a partner that I have not got much time for, but my son thinks the world of her and she's good to him so I butt out of what goes on in their house and would expect him to do as she tells him to.
Her behaviour seems to be the result of a sad and confused young child, so please don't be too cross with her, even if she should not get away with bad behaviours. Be really positive with her whenever you catch her doing something that you like.
Good luck
Dove - posted on 08/14/2012
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If you aren't allowed to even send her to her room when she is being obnoxious.... then you need to not be alone with her. Explain to your SO that him and his ex need to come to an agreement about this asap or he will have to find alternate childcare for his daughter when he is not around.
Even a babysitter should be able to put a child in time out or in their room when they are throwing a fit. If you can't be respected at least that much.... I would never again be alone with that child.
She NEEDS discipline and firm, but gentle and consistent guidance or they are going to screw her up for life.
Sorry. Good luck!
Michelle - posted on 08/14/2012
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First of her behavior is a cry for attention from daddy sit him down and tell him that he needs to take part in both the fun and the discipline with his daughter yes she is not with you all the time but discipline is still necessary. I am going out on a limb that the new baby is also his, tell him that unless you want the baby to grow up throwing tantrums and misbehaving that you need to start with house rules now and those rules need to include your daughter create a chart that she can visably see her progress in order to have extra special time with dad then insist that he actually follow through I think you will find that once she is being rewarded with attention for good behavior the bad behavior will start to disappear this is a slow process and dad really does have to be on board. Explain to him that you want to help him raise a happy healthy little girl. Choose a form of discipline and stick with it. There is no reason you should not be allowed to do time outs or sending the child to her room if she is misbehaving as this just tells her that when it is only you she can misbehave and get away with it. I don't however believe you should do major discipline such as spankings.
Jodi - posted on 08/16/2012
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Has it occurred to anyone that this child is acting out? You've come on the scene (not sure how long you have been around), then a baby that is getting everyone's attention. Why shouldn't she be acting out? This is classic attention seeking behaviour as a result of changes in her life where she probably feels displaced. The big red flag on this one is that she wants you to drop your son off to grandma's so she can have alone time with you, and you can't see she is trying to open up an opportunity for her to have you to herself for a little bit without your attention constantly going to the baby? Can you see how that might be the situation?
Also, is she with you full time? or does she have mum in her life? This can have an effect too. I don't think it is fair to say it is merely a discipline issue. It's not as simple as that.
Kory - posted on 08/15/2012
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This little girl is hurting, badly. She doesn't need discipline for this behavior, she needs love, attention, patience, and understanding. Put your big girl panties on, be the grown up, and consider what she might be going through emotionally.
Once you've done that you can find some great advice here:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/
And here:
http://www.peaceful-parent.com/
https://www.facebook.com/TheWayOfThePeac...
I'm actually quite appalled at how many responses to this are accusing the girl of bad behavior, etc without addressing the stress of the situation at all. For the lady that suggested there's something wrong with the girl and that she needs to be tested... I didn't read anything there that seemed unreasonable for this situation, especially when you consider this girl is only seeing her father once a month, maybe.
Honestly if I were the mother of this child I wouldn't be comfortable leaving the child with a care taker who thought so little of my child's feelings.
OP, don't take her behavior personally. It's not about you! It's about her. She's hurting, help her. Think of it this way, if things got switched around and it was your son hurting so, wouldn't you want the other paremt figures involved to help him?