Trying to make it work for the baby, or not

Rae - posted on 03/26/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )




I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend--my baby's father--now for almost three and a half years. A month after my son was born, I found out that he was lying about his familial relationships and a great deal of his personal life experiences. I had known he was lying and confronted him about it on multiple occasions, even whilst I was pregnant and he denied it up until he could no longer hide the truth a month after our son was born. (He lied because he is ashamed of them and there are other psychological components to it, that I won't get into here, but lies are lies either way.)

I had already had some trust issues from a previous relationship in which my ex-boyfriend was messing around with other women behind my back and my current boyfriend knew this. I try very hard not to compare the relationships, but for me being lied to, whether there is another woman involved or not is still just as bad no matter who the person is. We love each other, but the relationship is not a happy one now, and I have the Mirena which I believe is causing some hormonal issues that are also contributing to the issue in a negative way, as I am no longer interested in sex (which frustrates him greatly) and rarely have patience for showing physical affection or cuddling. Everyone around me tells me that I am being mean to him, but other than being easily annoyed, I can't see what they are talking about from my perspective.

As part of us trying to figure it out, he is in therapy and I decided to also try therapy on my own. He is a good man and a wonderful father to our son, but I feel like the actual "want/wish" to be in this relationship has disappeared. I feel bad too because we were so good together, prior to the lies coming to light, but now that they are out and I am left wondering what parts of us were real and what was because of the lies, I feel kind of lost....

I have an appointment scheduled for next Friday to have the Mirena taken out. Since I have previously had issues with having poor emotional states with birth control, I think it is a good idea and can only help our situation at this point.

We have discussed the issue at great length and we agree on pretty much everything where our son is concerned, but the intimacy between us is pretty much gone, except for him having the minimal attention it takes for him to not be so sexually frustrated due to my disinterest in relations.

I don't have very many friends in the area, even though I have lived here for quite some time, that I can talk to about all of this without being judged, and I feel bad for never having positive things to discuss with my friends that are out of the area. It sucks, but it is was it is at this point I suppose.


Raye - posted on 03/26/2015




How long ago did you give birth? Many women have decreased sex drive afterward. Mix that with your lack of trust due to his lying, and you have a cocktail for zero libido. For many women, sex drive is based more on mental and emotional mindframe than it is on physical sensations, and it's not good to give in to having sex with him out of pity because that will make you feel worse. You should try to look at the ways (if any) where your BF is trying to be better for you. Do little things to try and rekindle the romance, like just hugging, holding hands, back/feet rubs, and the like. Counseling could help if both are willing to really put forth the effort to save the relationship. Your BF needs to come clean with all the lies and regain your trust, and that will take time. I don't know about the Mirena affecting sex drive, but if you've had past problems with BC, then you should try taking it out and see if that helps. Make sure you're using a backup method of BC if you do become intimate. Best of luck to you.

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