what to do when there is medical issues with a spouse and there is no sex?


Jodi - posted on 12/27/2011




Yolanda, if we understood the medical issue, we might have more advice for you. No-one is meaning to be insulting by suggesting you buy a vibrator. Sex and intimacy are two different things, albeit generally intertwined. If you are not getting your emotional needs met, that is a very different situation than not getting your physical needs met. But it is difficult to advise you on how you can address the intimacy issue without understanding what the medical problem is that is preventing your husband from meeting that. Even if a man can not physically be able to have sex for some reason, there should still be capability for intimacy. And this may well be best addressed through counselling if you are unable to to talk about it and resolve it together. Does he know how you feel? have you sat down and talked to him about it matter-of-factly?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/27/2011




I feel for you yolanda. Vent away. Wish you would share more so we could fully understand what the problem is, but you gotta vent, so we are here to listen!

YOLONDA - posted on 12/27/2011




there is no solution i just have to be patient. counseling ok then what the problem is there it is an individual thing too 4 years is a long time to go with sex but you really dont know how they are coping with that im getting to a point of frustration and lack of patience im just venting yall dont understand man forget it

Tara - posted on 12/26/2011




From your second post it sounds as if your husband had some medical issues and now there is no physical or emotional intimacy as well as no actual sex.

What I said in my first post still stands - get counseling - let him know that the lack of any kind of intimacy is putting a strain on your marriage. Work together to rebuild the emotional and physical intimacy. Look at alternative sexual methods (using hands, tongue, etc), also talk to your doctor and your counselor about what might work to establish sexual intimacy and sex again.

[deleted account]

I know a couple that haven't had sex in 4+ years. Their marriage is perfectly fine.

If you want more helpful advice maybe you should actually listen to the people who have asked for more information....


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Bonnie - posted on 12/27/2011




Well now it seems as though there is more to it, not just no sex, but no hugging, kissing, etc. Maybe there is more going on here than just the medical issues.

YOLONDA - posted on 12/26/2011




why does everybody say get a toy get a toy what is that crap my husband had medical issues yea and we dont have sex so i just get a toy what is that suppose to do it dont kiss hug touch how long that last 2 3 weeks man please i got plenty of understanding i dont want no toy that is so desperate to me to each it own yea for better or worse but how long can you go in a marriage without sex

Bonnie - posted on 12/24/2011




IMO, sex is not everything. If you love your spouse, you married for better or worse.

Barb - posted on 12/23/2011




Are you the one with the medical issue or is it your spouse? and is your spouse male or female?
What is the medical nature of the issue? Physical limitations? Mental? Emotional?

I'm not wanting to get all in your business, but with the info you have shared, i just can't give a good answer.

I've been disabled for a couple of years now, my husband and i haven't had sex in over a year. It is both from physical (nerve damage) and mental/emotional medical issues.
We have been together 17 years. We are best friends, fishing buddies (almost as good as sex). Business partners. We love a lot of the same things and people (our children). We cuddle, we care for one another, just a gentle hug and kiss each time we walk buy each other. The way he talks about me to other people, the way he treats me when no one else is around, lets me know how much he loves me and i hope i do the same for him.

For men, sex isn't really about intimacy. They see it more like a good basketball game; an expense of energy with a really positive reward. So if he needs release, he can go take care of that physical need on his own. We give each other plenty of intimacy outside of that.

I hope this helped.

Vegemite - posted on 12/23/2011




The reason I say you need to give more info is because medical issues can effect sex in many ways. Is it physical, mental, emotional or hormonal?

I have a pituitary tumor so I have no hormonal response so no labido. My husband has realised that he just has to work harder and get me in the mood emotionally and physically rather than relying on hormones. He also has accepted that I will almost never initiate sex because I never think about it not because I'm not interested in him or don't love him. Sometimes if sex is really, I'll be honest, repulsive he'll get a hand job. He likes it.

I'd happily never have sex again, it's just not part of a relationship for me.

Tara - posted on 12/22/2011




If there are no medical issues then I would look at emotional issues. Strengthen the relationship, maybe try counseling.

Sexual intimacy is a big part of a relationship and should not be ignored.

Masturbation is also good if it is simply a matter of conflicting schedules. My husband works straight nights so we have to almost schedule sex for times when he is at home and when I feel the need when he isn't at home then masturbation works well for me.

Tinker1987 - posted on 12/22/2011




more info would be helpful,after i had my son i tore 4th degree and didnt get the OK to have sex for 4 months later... it was frusterating but there is other ways too show your love, Massages,with candles lit, and other stuff;)

Jane - posted on 12/22/2011




There are also other body parts that can give pleasure, including fingers and tongues. My husband was disabled for a good ten years but we still did just fine.

Faye - posted on 12/22/2011




BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) works real well. My fiance is OTR so we have little time for sex when he is home. I have learned to use my BOB whenever it is needed. Ask him to help you use your BOB. You may be surprised, he may be waiting on you to ask.

There has to be more to a relationship than just sex. There has to be a connection of some sort otherwise you would not be staying.

Does he encourge you to do your own thing at times? Is he able to help around the house with the chores and kids? Or is he bedridden but reads the kids stories at bedtime? If reading to the kids is his way of interacting with them then at least he is willing to do that.

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