when is enough enough with his ex wife?

Tea - posted on 12/27/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )




My story is long but I'll do my best to cut to the chase. I met my husband 14 years ago, we were both married but fell in love. Our ex's found us out & the divorces started. My husband & I got married this year. Over the last 13 years his ex has had this "entitlement" issue with him & has always played the guilt card with him (it always works!). She's been in a few relationships but nothing serious enough for her to move on. Well, the straw on my back broke this Christmas! She sent home new underwear with his kids as part of her Christmas gift "from his kids" and she got custom T-shirts made for her & his kids with the family last name! Holy crap! Is it me? I had a conversation with his kids about Christmas gifts for daddy this year and even said "we" were getting him underwear, socks & under shirts along with his other gifts. His youngest told me she told her mother that "we" bought this already & was told "so what" they were going to get them too! Well, I told my husband about this before the gift came home. Told him how inappropriate this was on her part & he agreed & said he would have a conversation with her. It still hasn't happened! And after seeing the custom T-shirts she had made I lost it! When does it stop? I've worked very hard all these years trying to get past being the other woman but I feel like it's something she will never get over. The kids have a great relationship with me but it's always a problem for her. She goes above & beyond to make sure she spoils them & that I'm always the bad guy. My husband & I are barely talking now because he thinks it's not a big deal & her & I are just jealous of each other. I'm so tired of this always being an issue but I feel that I'm his wife now & there has to be boundaries. Deep down I don't believe he will talk to her because he's afraid she will get her kids involved in her drama. I would love to her a different perspective on this...


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MaryAnn - posted on 04/01/2016




I agree with Shawnn.
I would also like to add that this is a bit petty. Its not like you both got her a computer. Or a car. Or Dolphin Trainer Barbies Aquarium.
I would welcome extra socks and undies. With kids, you seeeeriously cant have enough... Because enough is never enough.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/01/2016




Seriously? YOU and your current husband are the REASON she is now divorced, and you really think she should "move on"? Because you and your man couldn't control your teenagery?

Woohoo, I'm so glad that you and he are forever in love and happy...lmao...

You destroyed someone else's life. Not just ONE person, mind you, but a LOT of people. Your spouse. His spouse. His kids, and yours, if you have any, have had to live with a HUGE restructure, just because two adults couldn't be bothered to honor their wedding vows in the first place, and couldn't be ADULT enough to go to their spouses and ask for divorce UP FRONT.

You don’t get to put a time limit on her “getting over” anything. Nor do you get to put a time limit on her “moving on”.

Furthermore, SO WHAT if she put the family name on a tshirt that she had made for herself and her kids? She MARRIED the same man you did, therefore she most likely took his name. Most women keep the married name when they have kids to avoid confusion, so yes, she still has the right to use that name and display it in 2 inch letters across her back if she so chooses.

Bunchalotta - posted on 03/31/2016




I'm sorry to tell you but they were a family first. She may never get over that. I'd feel insecure if I were you too because I'd always wonder if since he cheated with me, he'd cheat on me. Anyway, the best thing to do is to remember your place and that she is their mother and he is their father. The ex wife and the children didn't ask to have to live this way so it might take a long time to get over it. I don't mean to sound harsh but I was once the first wife with my husband, our little children and our lives and future together. Then the mistress now wife came along and everything fell apart. It took a very long time to give up that dream, especially since we were actually pretty happy up until he met her. I'd be a little weirded out if my husband's ex bought him underwear, but since it was from the kids and included socks, t-shirts and practical things, just let it go.

Ev - posted on 12/30/2014





That is part of a two year old. Just quietly pat his back until he falls off to sleep again. That is all you can do.

Brandy - posted on 12/30/2014




My son will be 2 in March and he's always been a great sleeper until his most recent tubes surgery December 9. He has been waking almost nightly at 1:30 and remains awake until around 5am. Any tips of suggestions to get him back to sleeping without waking? He doesn't seem hungry, but a few times has asked for "num-nums". Both my husband and I work full-time so this makes for an exhausted mommy and daddy.

Tea - posted on 12/29/2014




Thank you for all your feedback ladies. I know we have hurt this person & that there is a lot of anger that I will have to deal with because of the choice I made to follow my heart. We were both very unhappy in our marriages & I'm not going to make excuses but from the moment we met we fell in love. I have a great relationship with his kids & I never talk badly about their mother regardless of all the stuff they tell me is said at home. My husband is a good man & lives with a lot of guilt that is always fueled by his ex & so do I. We never argue in front of his kids or ever let them think there is a problem. Our focus is for them to live in a happy home when they are with us & we've accomplished that. I guess based on some feedback I will always have to deal with the treatment I receive from his ex & suck it up as I have all these years. Well, to an extent I agree & disagree. I still think it's inappropriate to buy him underwear & say it's a gift from his kids. Reading all the feedback has been helpful. Thank you.

Dove - posted on 12/28/2014




Just as she is continuing to try and 'get at you' over her pain in this situation... you are giving her the power to do just that. Why not be the bigger person and just ignore her attempts at 'one upping' you?

Guest - posted on 12/28/2014




She's hurt, she's always going to act out--you just have to deal with that as a consequence for having hurt her, but it doesn't mean you have to let her get to you.

Honestly, I don't understand why you care about the gifts. Just chuck them in the trash and move on.

By giving her THIS much attention and thought, you are really just doing what she wants you to do. Accept that she is hurt, she is always going to be letting you know that she is hurt (He was off-limits while he was with her, if he wanted to be with you, he should have divorced her BEFORE your affair began), deal with it as a consequence of your actions, ignore her antics, and live your lives as if you were the first. There is no reason he should accept gifts from her in the first place.

Ev - posted on 12/28/2014




I have to agree with the ladies here. You got involved with a married man and he cheated on his wife! I can see where she is resentful for all this time. You can not expect her to just be hunky dory happy about you and the fact that you chose to cheat on your own husband with him no matter the reasons behind it. Its not about you or the other adults but what the children get out of all this.

[deleted account]

My husband did-twice-he's now my ex husband. Happy people don't cheat on each other. Why would I want to be with someone who cheated-I deserve better. Neither of us were getting what we needed from each other-I buried myself in work and he found someone else. When you allow other people's actions to control your emotions-especially for 13 years-you give them power-no thanks. I saw my mother in pain for years-she still is-40 years later!!! No thanks

Mommabird - posted on 12/28/2014




All I can say is- ask yourself this question....what if your husband cheats on YOU? He cheated WITH you so its highly possible he'd cheat ON you. How would you feel? How long would it take for YOU to "get over it"? Yes, 13 yrs is a long time to hold a grudge but that just tells me she must have really loved him for her to be hurt this long. Put yourself in her shoes, thats all.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry you are going through this-regardless of what happened between the parents the children should not be in the middle. Being a child of a similar situation it's very sad when one parent does not move on and feels they can do whatever they want because they were hurt by someone cheating. Anger eats these people inside and they find it difficult to find real happiness so they continue with these types of actions. It's unfortunate that the relationships broke up the way they did, but they did and I don't think you should have deal with what you feel is inappropriate-underwear is a personal thing and in my opinion inappropriate.

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2014




I agree with Jodi.
I would also like to say that maybe treat her like a toddler and not acknowledge her little digs at you. Let her but the gifts for their Father, I still do it for my boys even though their Father has someone else. My ex does it with the boys for me and my husband also buys things for me from all of the children.
I would just keep in mind that she has been hurt so much by your husbands actions and I honestly don't blame her for being a bit bitter and not accepting of you. I haven't spoken to the woman my ex husband had an affair with for over 12 years and I refuse to. In my opinion, her actions along with my ex husband broke my marriage down beyond repair and I will never forgive them.

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2014




Oh boy, where do I start. I have to say, I read your comment "I've worked very hard all these years trying to get past being the other woman" and I nearly blew it. I'm sorry, but you and your husband have hurt this woman immeasurable for YEARS. How dare you place a time limit on her "getting over it"? She is going to take some time. It is going to take longer than it took you to get over being the other woman - after all, you CHOSE to be the other woman, she didn't get a choice in your affair with her husband. You aren't the one who got hurt. Her husband is the one whose actions broke her family up, not her.

Anyway, aside from that, I don't see it as being an issue that she bought the underwear, etc, from her kids. Yes, you're right, she's probably doing it to trump you. Put yourself in her shoes. You took her husband, now you are trying to move in and take over her role as mother. I'm not saying that's what you are trying to do, I'm saying consider how she may see it. Let her take the kids shopping for their dad if that's what she wants you to do. I don't see it as inappropriate, just a little obvious in pushing you out of the picture. But I have always taken my son shopping for his dad (the gift is from him) even though he now has a stepmother. No big deal.

Now, with the last name, I'm assuming that IS her last name too? Or did she change her name back after the divorce. Maybe it was just another way that she was making a point that these were her kids. I can't say. Weird, but I wouldn't say something to get hugely upset over.

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