when is it ok?

Dawn - posted on 03/05/2011 ( 23 moms have responded )




I need help I dont know what to say to my 13 year old she has a dance coming up they are calling it a semi-formal for 7th and 8th graders and her boyfriend wants to pick her up with his Dad i dont know what to do she also wants to go bowling with this boy and his Father the boy is also her age, and as you all know her biggest defence is well all my other friends get to... I have been around many teenagers in my life but this is my first time dealing with this and Sted Dad is very strict so havent bruohgt it up to him yet need advise first and I just dont know what to do...... PLease help any advise helps and to know how other people handle ths might help


Louise - posted on 03/05/2011




Sorry am I missing something what is the problem. Do you not like this boy or something? Why should she not go bowling with this boy and his dad. If you are unsure of his father then ask him to come to the house so you can get to know him. This is harmless and your daughter should be allowed to have a little freedom. Check the dad out if you are worrid other than that lighten up a little she is not asking you to spend the night!

Laura - posted on 03/05/2011




First, understand the CONTEXT of this relationship: BF/GF at this age (pre-teen/early teen) is about learning gender roles and social conventions in context of the other sex--it generally has nothing to do with sex. They are simply learning what it means to relate to the opposite sex, in the case of heterosexual norms, as a social convention. Most likely kids at this dance will be "herding" between boys and girls! Plus, in the case of the dance, it will be supervised by adults. Even the bowling will be supervised by this boy's father AND it will be in a public place. Again, this most likely about friendship and social norms than anything sexual!

With that said, however, this is the perfect time to have "the talk"! Eventually teens move from the social context of relationships into the more personal and sexual aspects of relationship. Having a discussion at the social relationship point can let your child know, in no uncertain terms, what your expectations are for their behavior when they eventually get to the personal relationship stage.

I'm sorry to report that kids that reach 13 are officially TEENAGERS and are no longer little! Your daughter is becoming a young woman! As such she will be exploring the world around her more, seeking more and more independence from mom and dad(step-dad). Social relationships are part of that exploration so I would suggest meeting this boy's (young man, rather) father and discuss behavioral expectations with them should you choose to let your daughter attend this dance. Unfortunately the more parents try to control teens, the more likely they are to get a full-fledged rebellion instead! Save the battles for the big "safety" issues of drugs, alcohol, sexual activity and criminal behavior; leave the non-threatening issues of self-exploration alone (think of dying hair weird colors, or wearing strange clothes). This is a tough time for parents of teens--I have a soon-to-be-13 year old myself--so I know what I'm talking about. Plus I worked professionally with teens at one time where I learned much of what I just said! Remember, this is about socialization with the opposite sex and not sexual AND it's a social event that recognizes maturing teens, giving them a bit of supervised independence. Ultimately, however, it is ALWAYS the parent's decision to allow such activities and with whom! Just be clear with your daughter about your expectations and reasons--honesty from a parent, even if it isn't to the teen's favor, will have a better result than "because I said so" or a lie! Hope this helps and good luck!

Medic - posted on 03/05/2011




At thirteen I was going out with friends(and boys were part of the group) without my parents. I really don't think its that big of a deal. I didn't mess around with boys then probably because there was not a big stress over me hanging out with them. Yes I had a boyfriends but I never actually kissed him and we more hung out and played sports. Had my parents gotten all helicopter on me I would have just found other ways to get around it...ie: go to a freinds house and go out from there.

Jamie - posted on 03/05/2011




I invited the parents and the "boy friend" over for dinner nothing formal just a get to know you, and not to embarrass our kids after dinner, we excused the kids to visit and talked with the parents of the BOYfriend to find out where they stood on what is acceptable and what isn't. Then as a group, we parents, talked with our young love doves and put everything on the table. We explained to our daughters and son if they were too embarrassed to discuss a relationship then they were to young to be in a serious one like BOYfriend and GIRLfriend and it would be better to be boyFRIEND /girlFRIEND then. Hope that gives you some ideas and Good luck

Amber - posted on 03/07/2011




I don't think it's that big of a deal. I was allowed to go to the movies, skating, or bowling with my "boyfriend" at 13. Our parents would drop us off and either get lunch (it was always a middle of the day thing) or see a movie that was showing at the same time.

We felt like we were grown up.

And you know what? Because our parents trusted us, we felt that we needed to behave responsibly and not let them down.

This is the perfect opportunity to sit down with your daughter and tell her what you expect from her. And if she's anything like I was, the fact that you trust her and are allowing her to be responsible for her own decisions will make her want to show you that she is worthy of your trust.

Plus, she'll get "dating" experience with very little risk of being put in an bad situation.

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Amanda - posted on 03/15/2011




if her friends jumped off a bridge would she want to do that to? she is to young for a boy friend. watch teen mom on mtv, thats where little girls with boyfriends end up if they are not careful.
you are her mom and you CAN stop her from this teenage drama before it gets worse.
good luck, soooo glad I do not have to deal with that yet

Wikitoria Joy - posted on 03/11/2011




No. would be the normal reaction, that most of us would say. But yes this is a horrible age. Meet the parent , invite yourself to the bowling and wherever they say they are going to. Maybe then you will know whether you can say yes to her going with this boy. As it is. go with what your instinct say's.. I have a 13 year old. girl, will be 14 this year. She is my grandaugher, who lives with us. I'm actually hard on her. I like to meet the parents , where the event , who's going to be there and every other detail i can get. I don't get all details. I then ask her , "what would be the answer, why? and would she do"..(Really if it's not the answer i want, forget it)..

Amy - posted on 03/10/2011




Go with them. If you are that worried that the boys Father will not be enough of a chaperone, meet them at the bowling alley. Tell her this is the way it is and if she cannot play by your rules then she does not get to play. Just because all her friends are doing it means nothing. She may be mad at you but you are her mom and you are the one that gets to set the boundaries. You are not her friend, you are the parent. If she is a good kid you, you should be able to trust her, but if not, all of the above applies.

Stifler's - posted on 03/09/2011




I don't see the problem, they're going to be chaperoned. And don't you HAVE to have a date to the semi-formal? This hardly means they are going to be sleeping together.

Gina - posted on 03/09/2011




I think it is harmless they will be supervised and in a large group once they get to the dance. The only time it will be just them is in the car with his dad and I really don't think they will be "making out" in the back seat, with dad in the front. Won't hurt to talk to the dad before hand to get to know him a little. If you don't let her go then she will start to hide things from you. Next time she will say she is going to the dance with a bunch of girlfriends and meet up with him there. Chances are she will be with girlfriends that night too. I as a mom would much rather know what my kid is doing so I can make sure I keep an eye on the situation. If you did your job right for the last 13 years she knows what is right & wrong and you should trust your parenting and her. But let her know if she messes up it will be the LAST date. Maybe tell her to behave like you are there watching. Maybe you could drop in to the dance to check on things for a few minutes, but make it quick and try Not to embarrass her.

I try to stay VERY involved at school so my poor kids won't have to worry about it because I am usually on all the event committees and am at all the events. I don't hover around my kid but he knows I am there or could be.

Off the dating subject but sorta the same concept....When I was in high school My mom would let me have a mixed drink or wine (small glass) at family holiday parties. However if I had even one sip I was in for the rest of the night with her watching me. I think that because I was never told I couldn't have Alcohol and knew I could try it if I wanted it was never a big deal and when my friends were sneaking it out of their parents cabinets, partying & trying to buy it under age I had no interest. It wasn't worth risking getting into trouble I never wanted any part of it.

You need to find a middle ground between Strict parent that they will hide stuff from and Friend that they will walk all over.

Good Luck

Jane - posted on 03/08/2011




First of all, it's a dance at a school which will be chaperoned. I think this is very acceptable. And bowling with his father should also be acceptable as long as you know the father. I have a 21 year old daughter. She did not "date" (i.e., one on one) until she was 16 but absolutely went to school dances and group activities at 13. She is now a junior in college, on a full scholarship, has a 4.0 GPA and has a wonderful boyfriend who I believe will be my son in law. It's all about communication. What she is asking to do is normal, acceptable (in my humble opinion) and if you set the right expectations, all will be fine.

Jazzmen - posted on 03/08/2011




More than likely there will be chaperon's there and as far as the bowling, is there going to be a parent present? I let my daughter go to dances when she was 13 and go out on group get together with friends.

Dawn - posted on 03/08/2011




I want to thank each one of you you have made very good points! So i will make my decision and let you all know thank you all again

Megan - posted on 03/08/2011




Listen, I dont think that it should be that big of a deal. I think that if you have trust for your daughter then it should be fine. Maybe sit down with her and see how she feels about the situation. Fine out how she feels about this boy and fine out what she thinks BF/GF relationships are. And let her know what your concerns are. And the semi formal, its going to be chaperoned but either other parents and or teachers. Give her options and show her that you trust her. You have to let her make her own choices (and sometimes mistakes). Now Im not saying let her go out and party all night but this middle school dance will be over by a certain time. Maybe compromise, let her get a ride to the dance with the "BF" dad but tell her that you will pick her up at " " oclock. Hope my opinion helps alittle!!!

Michelle - posted on 03/07/2011




once you give the green light to start hanging out with boys like boyfriend & girlfriend you give the green light for everything that comes with that territory like kissing & even sex these days..my daughter is 15 & is still only aloud to hang out with groups no one on one as it breeds intamacy which leads to well you know were. We have to encourage our daughters to be confident with who they are & just coz everyone else is doing it doesnt mean we have to. Good luck with it all its sooo challenging raising teens its not an easy one but i guess i just remember that they are gonna get up to what they get up to but im gonna try my hardest to protect her future so she may become all she can & definetly not give permissin for the behaviour that will lead to them growing up to fast & experiencing things they shouldnt be till a much older age when they are more wise & mature to make good decisions.

Jackie - posted on 03/07/2011




I totally agree with Laura and Louise on this one. They will be supervised and I also think it's wise to meet the kids father. At thirteen (most of the time), it isn't about sex. Hell, at thirteen, I was all giddy about holding hands! I do think that now is a good time to explain what's acceptable and what isn't and what will NOT be tolerated. Give her a little freedom or she may take it.

[deleted account]

I wasn't allowed out of the house until i was 18 i got my license at 17 and my mum used to sleep with my car keys under her pillow so i couldn't go anywhere cos i wouldn't dare take her car...my twinny on the other hand he got a girl pregnant at 13 cos my mother simply couldn't care less. but i would stand my ground if you don't want her going say no end of story you're her mum you hav e the final say

Ruth - posted on 03/07/2011




I really feel like 13 is too young to "date"....maybe it is old enough to start some group things...why not get 6 or 8 of their friends together to go bowling...or some other activity that they would enjoy? Or have a group of friends over for pizza and movies at your house. I just feel like 13 year old girls ( and boys!!) are too young to be dealing with the pressures of being in a one on one "dating" situation...and believe me...this is a slippery slope...once you take that first step...you suddenly find them pushing the envelope further and further. It sounds to me like your gut is telling you to say no to this....I say follow your instincts

Bonnie - posted on 03/05/2011




Whether they go out as a group or go out alone things can happen. If they do go with his dad then I doubt anything would happen. They wouldn't have privacy. It's harmless really. Like two friends going out to have fun.

[deleted account]

Hmm well perhaps you should just have a chat with your daughter and maybe the boys' Father about what you think. In my honest opinion, at-least you know what she is doing. I could think of worse things that a 13 year old could do behind the backs of unsuspecting parents. Perhaps it is some honesty time and talk to your daughter. And she is 13, so it's her first year of being a "teen" and if you don't make a connection with your daughter things could only get worse. I'm not saying that you don't have a connection now, what I am meaning is that when girls (especially girls) become "teens" and start "dating" and "falling in love" they do crazy things. I am sure most ladies here have done something stupid when they were a teenager and thought that they knew everything. So you need to understand that your daughter is changing, but talk to her about it. Just be honest and open about things. I would have appreciated it more if my Mum had done the same with me.

[deleted account]

Ditto JuLeah. My girls already know they will not date or have a boyfriend until they are 16. Semi-supervised group activities are fine though. They need to learn gradually since you can't just 'set them free' at 16 and expect that they know acceptable and unacceptable behaviors right off the bat.

JuLeah - posted on 03/05/2011




MHO, 13 is waaay to young to date. She can meet this boy and a groupd of friends at the dance and they are all enjoy themselves as a group. She wants to go bowling ... okay, this boy, his father, you another friend and her/his folks ... make it a communty thing. You are the mom. Your rules.
Yesterday I saw two little girls ... maybe age 10? One was in full make-up and looked .... well, not ten. The other was not in make up, but wearing two (layered) padded bras. You could see the straps under the shirt she was wearing.
The parents? Said "Kids do go up faster these days" and thought it was just fine.
NO .... let them be little. The pressure to have a boy friend is unreal. I know a 14 yr old who is still little enough to think 'boys are gross' and kissing is a germ ridden time waster.
She has a boy friend, 2 yrs older, becuase he asked her to be his gf. She doesn't have a lot in common with him, she admits. She is more comfortable texting him then talking face to face ... but that are going on more frequent dates and he sets the rules - he has all the power as far as I can see, in part because she is just not ready to be dating. .... I could rant on and on really, but will stop. Let them be little

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