Why do I feel so bad asking for child support??

Melissa - posted on 11/28/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




Sorry so long!!! My ex husband and I, in the past, have had a fairly good relationship. For the sake of the kids. We have celebrated holidays together, along with his current wife and my current husband. Over the last 16 years, we have maintained a fairly non- confrontational relationship. A lot of people say that I'm too easy on him and maybe I am. I just hate when we fight because he the worse kind of person to fight with. Mean, spiteful, name calling, belittling. He resorts to a childish manner. Where I am normally calm and I use my words properly, he drags a devilish woman out of me. I've been in 2 long term relationships since him, and have never been with anyone like him. I used to think he was the norm, but I was 20 and have since learned differently. So for the last 16 years, I have not received a steady amount of child support from him. Reasons being, I didn't want to give him reason to question what I was doing with his money. I didn't want to listen to him complain about having to give me money. All of our fights over the last 16 years have revolved around money. So, our plan has always been, he pays for school clothes, haircuts. And half of any major expenses. Over the last 5 years, that has evolved into half of the school clothes, cell phone bill and half of any major expenses. I've gone through periods of struggling, laid off from my job, twice. Divorced and left with all of the bills. At one point, I had to borrow money from my father to avoid losing my house. But I never pushed the idea of a steady flow of child support. Even when I was housing one of his children from a previous marriage. (long story, there) I tried to get his ex-wife to give me the money that my ex was paying her and she refused. Even after all of that, I still took care of her son and gave him a place to live during his senior year in high school. Something his mother and father refused to do. So now my problem is that this past year, my ex's presence has diminished. He's not attending school functions to watch his son and choosing to go off and spend time with his other family. Up to this point, he was good about being there for his kids and splitting his time fairly. Now, he 'forgets' to bring money by when I ask for it. Asking him to help with things like picking kids up from school after practice became too much of a nightmare and always a situation arose that he would have to complain to me about. Now when I say I ask for money, I don't ask often. Once or twice a month, sometimes more, sometimes less. Twice during the school year, he will pay half of the AP class fees. He will buy shoes, clothes, things that they need. He paid for half of the supplies when we moved our son into college. So it's not like I'm asking for money every week or even every month. So the thing that set him off the most recently, was my son was going on an overnight school trip. I asked my ex to help with giving him extra money. He asked that I cover it and he would pay me back. Told me that his bank was closed and he couldn't get money. I made a joke that he should considering switching to a bank with an ATM and he completely freaked out on me. Which told me that he was stressed out and probably didn't have the money. Instead of just telling me he didn't have it, he lied and then went off on me when I pushed the issue. This turned into, what it always does...name calling, belittling, my financial problems are my fault, my mother raised my kids and my house was dirty. All because I had asked him for $40 to give to our child. This post has become way too long and we have such a crazy history that I could most certainly write a book about. But now, I've cut all communication with him. I refuse to talk to him and I'm in the process of getting his check garnished. I have an order from when we divorced, 16 years ago, and it's not asking for much. Like, $60 a week, for 2 kids. But he still threatens to take me to court and he throws out there that his mother will pay for his attorney. Just trying to get me to not go through with it. And I feel so bad. I know I shouldn't. I've been supporting and raising our kids and sometimes even his other kids. I know I shouldn't feel bad. But I feel that our 'good' relationship is now ruined because of me. And I'm in tears because he does this to get to me. Now reading back through my post, I feel like I sound like a money hungry winch. I'm not, I promise. I just wish I didn't feel bad. And I guess I'm here to ask for support and reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.


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Dove - posted on 11/28/2014




You don't have a good relationship. You have an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. He's got you convinced that he's a good guy and everything is your fault... but he's full of crap. Do NOT feel guilty for going to court and getting what is best for your kids.

Ev - posted on 11/28/2014




I think that you should have gotten that order filled at the time you divorced and got custody and such figured out. It would have made sure you had some extra funds to take care of the kids back then. Do not go into this now feeling bad about doing so. He has a responsibility to take care of his kids in all ways. Not just when he feels like doling out some money for things here and there. And if it gets taken back to court you might as for some amendments to it too like help with school supplies, clothing, shoes, trips with school and so on. Do not let him get away with the I will pay you back business.

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