why is it

[deleted account] ( 15 moms have responded )

alot of the moms on the com are great nice people who dont judge an just want to give an opinion or advise on what theyve done or learned but then there is people, who are cruel an rude an judge other people, when NOBODY in this world is good enough to judge anyone, i thought the circle or moms was going to be a great site when i joined i though that there were going to be tons of nice people that just wanted to help an there is but the few that think that there GREAT AN YOUR NOT just kinda ruin the whole scene for me does anyone else feel this way or maybe its just me


[deleted account]

If you post something online, you have to expect lots of different thoughts and opinions from others, and you have to expcet them to post those thoughts and feelings. It's only fair.

When it comes to parenting, it's difficult to separate ourselves from what we do. People feel very strongly about choices they make concerning their children-and they should. We are given these precious gifts by God, Allah, the Creator, Nature, or whatever deity/nondeity we believe they come from, and, for a while at least, we are responsible for their well-being. We are responsible not only for ensuring their survival, but also for trying to help them become productive members of society. Naturally, when our ways of doing that are criticized, we often take it personally.

Likewise, when the moms who are regular contributors to this community have to answer the same question 12 times a day (how do I get rid of diaper rash, should I put cereal in my baby's bottle, etc.), the answers tend to be abrupt. One simple way of fixing that would be if everyone would use the search function on CoM's to see if someone else has asked their question...Or at least look through the first page or two of the community in which they are posting.

As for the more heated topics (spanking, abortion, formula feeding), it sometimes goes back to that whole not wanting to be criticized or acknowledge that we might've done something that is detrimental to our children. It also has to do with people's attitudes...I just saw a spanking thread that maintained a civil and pleasant tone throughout, but I've also seen threads in which the spanking debate turned into a free for all, name calling, throwdown between moms on opposite sides of the argument.

Bottom line is that there will always be differences of opinion, especially on an international site. Some things that are the norm in Canada are not in America, or that are in America are not in England. For instance, in some countries it is tradition to pierce a baby girl's ears, while in others it is frowned upon or even illegal. Those moms who disagree with whatever statement you (general you) make have as much right to be heard as those who agree. Sometimes things get heated and some people end up arguing-but just like in real life, not everyone is going to be nice to you. You just have to shrug your shoulders, grow some thicker skin, and move on.

Mel - posted on 01/26/2010




hey. I have alot of friends who dont use this site anymore they said its the worse one they have seen for abuse. There are other good ones with no where near as much abuse as coms like bubhub and cafemom. I personally dont use them but have heard they are great. There are some people on here the regulars who cause problems and there are only about 10 people and you just have to ignore them. The managers do nothing , but I have posted back to a similar thread so have a look at that one but ive seen a hell of alot of crap and judgement on here. But most of us are really great. Just ignore the judgemental rude ones because they ar not worth your time. They dont know who you are as a person and have no business being judgemental. Most of us are supportive. anyways feel free to pm me if you have any trouble I can give you a heads up with some things and some people

Sharon - posted on 01/25/2010




If you don't want to hear the truth or an opinion different from your own, you should stick to talking to yourself.

However. That has its drawbacks too.

Krista - posted on 01/25/2010




With an online community this huge, you're going to get a lot of differing opinions. And no subject is as emotionally charged as motherhood -- it's something that hits us very close to home. So we're all very emotionally invested in our own methods and opinions, which tends to make for passionate discussions. Spanking vs. non-spanking; formula vs. breastmilk; crib vs. bedsharing -- these are all topics that become controversial, because if someone doesn't agree with our own particular method, we feel that we are being judged as a parent, and emotions rise.

Personally, I try to not to voice judgment unless I feel that someone is giving advice or recommendations that, if taken, could harm a child. But, I also think that it wouldn't hurt us to develop tougher skins -- when we give an opinion on a forum with over a million members, we have to expect that this opinion is going to be challenged, and need to not take it personally. We're all different.

This conversation has been closed to further comments


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Jane - posted on 01/26/2010




As Krista said there's a similar post on this...this is old. Grow up girls! Was that rude?

Krista - posted on 01/26/2010




There's a similar post on the front page to which I've already responded, so I'll just paste my earlier response here (edited for relevancy):

One thing that we need to remember is that the mods are volunteers here. They're not being paid for this, and they have to review each and every flagged post, deal with technical issues, deal with a barrage of PMs, and all of the other administrative duties that come with a site this huge. They're swamped. So I'm guessing that they have neither the time nor the patience to sort out personal squabbles between members, unless one of the members is in clear violation of the no-T.H.U.M.P.S rule.

I've seen the regulars give some excellent, helpful, supportive, common-sense advice, both to you, Mel, and to everybody else on here. However, one thing that most of the regulars (including myself) won't do is blow smoke up people's bums just to make them feel better about themselves. If I disagree with someone's opinion, sorry, I'm going to say so. If I think that someone is giving advice that is not correct or that can be detrimental to a child, then I'm going to say something about it.

It's one thing to be supportive. It's quite another to sit back, see someone give dangerous or wrong-headed advice, and think "Gee whiz, I have no right to judge, so I won't say anything at all when that mother advises another mother to bite her child/leave her baby to cry it out for three hours straight/smoke while pregnant"

We've had babies, not lobotomies. :)

Krista - posted on 01/25/2010




Ashley, if someone is being particularly hurtful or saying something that you think is uncalled-for, then my best advice is to call them on it. Sometimes people don't realize they're being hurtful -- they're just very blunt. On the internet, where we can't see someone's facial expression, it's very easy to come across in a way that maybe wasn't intentional.

[deleted account]

to tiffany i think that i didnt write it right i was meaning that nobody is good enough to judge me or anyone for that matter iw was more saying it like only god is the onlyone good enough to judge me or anyone, an to everone else i no that somethings can get very heated an i no everyone has there own opinion an has the right to but why do some people have to use some of the words they do some of the words that i see on here can be hurtful an im not trying to sound like woose might be mis spelled, an i no that i need not to pay any attention to what there saying an if they live down from the street from me i wouldnt i just have this thing that when people are on the internet they just have no right to say anything bad about other people or how there raising there kids(as long as its not something terrible) cuz its like you will never see most of the people on here this is all over the world, so i feel that if you will never have a chance of seeing me then why ridacule me (mis spelled) an im not say me im saying everyone thats just the way im typing it, are they just trying to be a cyber bully an act like were ten again,

[deleted account]

I do and totally agree with you. sometimes I just log on just to see what kind of drama is going on today.

Lindsay - posted on 01/25/2010




This is a board full of women from all over the world with many different perceptions on many different topics. Sometimes it's going to get heated. If someone can't stand for everyone to not nod their head blindly and agree with everything they say, it's probably not the place for them. The great thing about this site though is that if you're willing to look, you see all kinds of different perspectives and even if you don't agree, maybe you can understand where they are coming from. Sometimes though you come across things that may truly bother or scare you for the sake of a child and feel the need to step in and give some honest critisism.

Jodie - posted on 01/25/2010




Don't worry about it. There are plenty of lovely people so if people are rude or judgemental just ignore them. It'll be their loss not yours when nobody wants to talk to them.

Tiffany - posted on 01/25/2010




Anywhere you go there are going to be a few bad apples. To me the great women on here outnumber those few bad apples and so I am able to look over most of it. Of course I see some things that disgust me, some make me so angry and some I don't have words for but in the end this is a great outlet for us moms. You have to remember though what you said about not judging people because you are passing judgement on some as well. Example: "great and you're not". That is a two way street. I don't want to offend you but I thought I should point that out. I hope you will be able to look over those who show ignorance and prejudice on here and are able to enjoy the site for what it is intended. :)

Kate CP - posted on 01/25/2010




People are less likely to filter themselves on the internet. You have to grow some thick skin and shrug a lot of stuff off.

That being said we, the moderators, do the best we can with what we have. It is also highly unproductive to start another thread on this subject when one is already pinned at the top of the community (see: "Opinion versus personal attack" and "Posting and flagging ettiquette").

Thank you for your contributions to this community.

Kate Capehart
CoM Moderator

Stevie - posted on 01/25/2010




oh my goodness i understand and know JUST what you mean i have met a few great new friends on here one is now my best friend she is awesome and then there are those ppl who just think they know everything and trash talk about you and your post afterwords i had a friend that i met on here that gave me a heads up about a few ppl (who had also commented on my post) that went onto another group that was private and they were talking crap about my post that they were even kinda giving me some ideas on and my post was just asking for some more ideas for dinners and stuff for my family i cant believe how shallow some of the ppl are on here but i look for the good ppl on here im open to everyone and be as nice as i can and if you want to be a pansy about it and be ruide then i just dont talk to them you seem like a great and nice women and just forget about them make your profile private so no one can stock you or abuse you on your com profile and just forget the ones you were nice to and they were mean to you and stick with the ones that can become potental friends if you want a new friend look me up :)

Blackwood - posted on 01/25/2010




People will Judge, we all do it too some length. I only care about the opinions of those that matter too me, not people I don't know or will ever know, or even people that are friends of friends or family that you hardly see. What you feel and those people that are close too you are really the only ones that matter.

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