why is it so hard to leave my daughters father even though i dont love him

Gabriela - posted on 04/14/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )




OK, i am going through an emotional process of trying to convince myself to leave my bf. we have been together for 5 years, and as crazy as it might sound, i have been trying to leave him for the past 5 years. we met at work, i was 20 and he was 28- i was still living with my parents at that time, which by the way were extremely over protective. At 20 years old i still had a curfew of midnight so eventually all my cousins stopped inviting me out and my few friends as well. So when i met him, i was delighted that someone was actually interested in interacting with me. So despite all the rumors from my co workers that he was having an affair with a married woman for the past 4 years, i still continued to talk to him. he offered me rides home after work, and he was really attentive. He wasn't really my type. he was somewhat quiet and much older and did seem to have anything really going on for him. i didn't care about any of this, i thought to myself " all i want is to go out and if he's willing to take me out then why not" i hid my relation ship from my parents for a while, eventually it became a routine, i would sneak out with him every day of the week and since i was a virgin i was intimidated to be alone with him so instead of going to his apt, we would go to the movies every day of the week! i knew inside that this was not the relationship i wanted to be in, he was not my type and i liked his attention but wasn't physically nor emotionally attracted to him, but i had come to realize that he is very persistent until he gets his way. i finally told my mom,and asked her if i could stay with my aunt in Texas for the summer, so i would be able to steer him away from me and so i could be away from him as well. i was starting to feel an attachment to him, but since i knew i didn't want to be with him, i wanted to break it. My mom paid no attention to me.. i think many of you are thinking why i didn't leave on my own. and at this point in life now, i ask myself the same question. i was young and naive and had no will power.I always did what my parents advised me to do because i wanted to please them, but getting tired of just sitting around crying when i was bored because no one would talk to me anymore. Anyway so one night that i sneaked out with him, i got a text from my sister saying " my mom's up. She knows your not here"
at that moment my heart stopped. i was debating whether i should go back to the house and get grounded for life or if i should stay, with him, by this time (3 months later) i had grown much more attached to him (which goes to show how naive i was)
he had mentioned that i move in a couple times, so i decided to stay. i wasn't happy about the decision i took and was hoping that my mom would call and scold me and tell me go back home. .
but the call never came. so i stayed.
from that night on, my life took a 360 turn. i lost my virginity that night and i wasn't ready. i had said no a couple of times and he kept insisting and insisting, so i finally gave in. my self esteem was so low that i thought" well im already here, i already left my house, i have nothing to loose:"
so remember that affair he was having with that married woman, well as it turns out, my co workers weren't lying. I have found calls to her numerous times once he even had her listed as a guy on his phone. and another time he asked his friend to pretend that he had a flat tire and call him about it so that he would go help him, he even got to the point where he knew how to manipulate me so well that he even said " i don't think ima go help him" and he knew i was going to say" go, he is your friend and you never know when you might need the help." so he left and little did i know he was with her. how i caught him up with this lie is so ironic. His friend was my sisters bf at the time and i mentioned to her, that he had a flat tire, she looked confused right away, she said "...he has all the tools he needs in his truck for that....why would he ask for help" so her bf spilled the beans and confirmed my bf had asked him to do that the night before. this situation happened a few months after i had given birth. I felt like an idiot for staying but how could i leave, with no where to go and a 3 month old baby. Anyways. point is my daughter is 3 now, through the course of these past 4 years, i have come across that woman's phone number various times. even last year it came up. every time i confronted me about it, he answered with, " there's nothing going on" She'es just someone i know, nothing special" yet when i asked him, if they were friends or lovers he said neither. almost 5 years later, im still here, and im ready to go! im 25 years old now, i want to get ahead in life and i feel like im holding myself back, for pity. things have been sort of smooth lately, except for the fact, im no longer attracted to the man whatsoever, not emotionally or physically. what little love i did have has evaporated completely. he thinks we are ok, but we are not. i find myself pushing away when he wants to be near me, and yes it makes me feel like a jerk, but i cant help how i feel anymore. I mentioned it to my mom and well she is old fashioned...she thinks i should stay with him for my daughter..and that she doesn't have room for me in her house.
thankfully i don't do everything she says anymore and i have learned to believe in myself..but i cant bring myself to talk to him about it and just say it. im afraid he might try and take my daughter.
he is not a violent person or has no anger issues , but that's what scares me. idk what his reaction will be.Once before i left my daughter with my aunt and went out with some friends. he was furious then. he insulted me, telling me what kind of mother does that. ..and he started pushing me around. so i tried to get my daughter and he wouldn't let me. after that is when i finally really stopped caring. since that day i have been planning to leave and have been looking for places to go but, its hard. i know its not impossible, but i just want my daughter to have a stable life. i don't want to make another mistake.
ugh. im not sure if i really need help. i think i need to gather courage and just do it,...without over
thinking it so much! and what makes it harder, is that he does help me around the house and obviously with our daughter,
even though im the one that wears the pants in the relationship.I make sure the bills are paid, that my daughter goes to the doctor. Its almost all me. He does help like i said and also he does whatever i tell him to im not sure if he does that, just to keep me "happy" or if its the way he is.
with this relationship i have learned to basically take care of myself. i don't feel protected and honestly i dont think he loves me, he probably doesn't have the balls to leave me. I know that without him, i will be perfectly fine.
but how do i start, what will i tell my daughter when she asks where her dad is? its not like im going to deny him seeing her, but i dont want her to be hurt because of my decision
im just so worried about how her life will be affected by it.


~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/14/2014




It doesn't honestly sound like you ever really loved this man or even liked him. It sounds like you settled. If you want to leave, then do it. Don't tell him. Just move out when he is at work. Get a lawyer to set up custody agreement and child support. DO NOT wait to do that. It is very important, and if you don't, it will turn around and bite you in the ass.

This guy has been cheating on you for 5+ years. He is probably cheating with more than one person. Be strong for your daughter, and get out. Your daughter is learning how to be a women from you, and how to be treated by a man. You need to ask yourself what kind of example you want to set for her? Will she be confused and upset when you leave? Yup. But giving her a stable life with you can overcome all of that. Get the courage and strength you need and go for it.


View replies by

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms