WHY on earth do so many women not have a problem with it?!

Bethany - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 146 moms have responded )

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Ladies, I am so frustrated.



I keep reading all these posts by women saying that their husbands/boyfriends look at porn and it doesn't bother them at all. Seriously?! It's not a problem for you that your guy fantasizes and lusts after some other woman? That he jerks off to the image of someone else? It doesn't bother you that he doesn't think you're enough to satisfy his "needs" so he starts looking elsewhere? That he's so addicted to this trash that he has to look again and again? It really doesn't phase you at all that he is not a one-woman man? Do you really, truly believe that it's okay to look as long as you don't touch?



Seriously?!



Are we so brainwashed that we actually believe that's "just the way men are" and it's become no big deal? Come on! Where are the women who know it's not okay, and those who have men in their lives who also know it's not okay? Please! I need to know you're out there.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Rita - posted on 04/22/2010

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Wow! I have sat here and read all 137 replies to this thread and am just amazed in such a myriad of ways!
First I agree that the start of this thread was rude, judgemental, and antagonizing to anyone who does not agree with the poster. If you wanted to find support of your opinion, then dont attack others who dont share it!
Second, the replies that were judgemental and condemning. I do have to agree, the ppl touting christian and biblical beliefs are the most uncompassionate, judgemental " My way is right, your way is wrong" attitude. Hmm and they wonder why so many do not attend church, even when they claim to believe in God?
Third, the judgementalness and degration of women by women. What you do and believe are your choices and path in life, what others do and choose is their business. If they choose to be a porn star (or unknown even), a dancer (stripper according to most), or an escort (hooker, prostitute, whatever you want to call it); it is their choice on this path of life. Just because you dont agree with their choice does not give you the right to judge their life! Or be degrading towards those who have choosen it. Some of you who do watch porn or dont care that your husbands do have issues against dancers, or escorts. Now I can see that you would have issues if your husband was going behind your back and enjoying those ladies. But there was alot of condemnation about its only pictures, not like hes at the strip club or seeing hookers. Those are ladies too; they are daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends...and they chose that career. Or they had little choice of making a living, putting food on the table, keeping a roof over their head, paying tuition, etc. It does not mean they are skanks or nasty, and not all of them are druggies or drunks. My husband has a t-shirt that says I support single moms, and has the profile of a dancer hanging on a pole. Enuf said?

Then there are the issues of addiction, porn can be and is a drug of choice. There were a few replies about moderation, and I agree. When something becomes an addiction there is a problem, it affects everyone around, tears apart families, etc. As with any addiciton, if it consumes the person it is damaging. But dont assume just because men and/or women enjoy porn, that its an addiction and damaging to the marriage or the children.
I am sorry for the person who found her father's porn too young. That is sad that you were hurt by it. Young children would be confused and can be hurt by things they do not understand, and parents need to protect them from things that are not age-appropriate. That goes way beyond just porn. And the internet references and the blaming rape and murder on porn is just grasping for an excuse to control other's lives. If the parents are keeping track of what their children are exposed to, porn will not damage them. I have 5 boys, I have never prohibitted them from respectfully appreciating a woman's beauty. My 14 y/o has magazines photos all over his walls of beautiful ladies, I gave them to him. They are not nudes, they are tasteful. And we discussed that appreciating a woman's body as beautiful is not wrong, as long as it is respectful, and not just a sexual thing. He gets that, and he does not disrespect women. I have 4 girls and they know that they are more than a sexual object, that they are a complete person, and worthwhile and deserve respect, love, and compassion. They will not tolerate boys or men who do not treat them properly. They know that it is ok to say a person is pretty or hott, or sexy, because it is true and nothing wrong with appreciating that someone has nice looks. But they also know that it does not matter what someone looks like on the outside, it matters who the person is and what is on the inside. They do not judge anyone based on looks, beliefs, religion, etc. We are very open about sexuality in our household, because I want them to discuss those things with us, and know what they are thinking, and give them correct information; not get it from their friends on believe everything they happen to see on tv. I try to instill in my sons that they need to example to their sisters how boys/men should treat them. We also make sure that our children know that sex is a beautiful, more than physical, act between partners. It is not dirty, or trivial, or wrong it is natural. We as humans were created as the only mammals to have sexual pleasure. The comment about 'spewing of seed' was old testament law, which since Christ's death we are not bound by. I do not believe that we are supposed to only enjoy pleasure when our partners are available. If that were true, sex lives with a houseful of kids would be non-existant! And self-pleasure tends to lead to more pleasure together. Denying that we are sexual beings and not allowing ourselves that pleasure causes undue stress.
So if my husband wants to enjoy porn online, in magazines, whatever that is his release when I am not available. Usually, it makes him want me more! And we have and do watch it together, I also watch videos that he has so I know more what he likes, and he knows I watch it occasionally. Most of our children know that we have sex toys, they do not know what or where, but they are aware (age-appropirately). When my 14 y/o first heard that we had a sex toybox, he said to us "Normal parents dont have sex toyboxes" I said to him, "No normal parents just dont TELL you they do." I feel it is wrong to hide things from my kids, when they are old enough to understand. It is good for them to see that we love each other and even tho we are 'old' (42 & 38) we still are attracted to each other. We set the example that sex is not just physical, relationships are much much more than just sex, and sex is much much more than just making love.

I am sorry that other peoples choices and opinions are such a concern to others, and that it frustrates and stresses them that other people enjoy things they dont. I have enough everyday stress just being a wife, mom, and business owner that I dont need to worry about what other people do in their own homes, or even at the stripclubs or in hotel rooms, etc. The only way it is damaging is when it is done behind your partners back or if you choose to do something that you know they will be uncomfy with. As partners you have to be open enough to know what your partners comfort zone is, and where the boundaries are. My husband and I set boundaries before we were married, and we reevaluate those as necessary. We have the freedom to have an open marriage if we choose, which has rarely been exercised by either of us, but we are secure in knowing that there is no cheating no infidelity, as long as the boundaries that we have agreed on are respected. We have a very secure, healthy sex life and marriage. If we want to spice it up, thats kewl!

I know that I will get tons of crazy, judgemental comments to my opinions and our relationship. But I am secure in who I am as a woman, wife, mother and that's all that matters. I am respectful and non-judging of others opinions, nothing I said was attacking or condemning to other people's lifestyle or opinions. I simply call it as I see it and wanted to point out that to have a civil discussion we should all be accepting and compassionate of others feelings, choices, and opinions.

Alicia - posted on 04/20/2010

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Ok...this bothers me so much, and I see it all the time on COMs. Clearly Bethany is upset about this, and is looking to see if anyone else feels the same way. She just posted her opinion. She already stated that she knows many women are okay with this, so I don't understand the need for so many people to write how they love it, etc, when she already stated that she had already read about that. It just comes off meanly and defensive. If you're okay with what you're doing, then fine, she was just looking for support from other women who feel the same way, which is what she wrote in her last couple sentences. I realize her first paragraph wasn't phrased the best way, but this site is specifically for women who want support, or are looking for other moms who are like them so that they don't have to feel like they're the odd mom out, so it is upsetting that I keep seeing these responses, -not just on this post,- of these women who post rude know-it-all replies that aren't supportive or understanding at all-you're just trying to get across the fact that you don't agree AT ALL and you want to make sure they know it.

Sharon - posted on 04/21/2010

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To the woman who said "porn can lead to cheating". Did you ever stop to think that maybe his cheating nature led to the poorn? That porn was the stop gap measure he used before cheating on his wife?

Charlie - posted on 04/21/2010

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You do realize 1 in 3 women enjoy watching porn too , Im not exactly sure why , what other people do is your problem , im not sure why you have concerned yourself so much in other peoples lives .

No we are not brainwashed but thanks for judging us and assuming we are helpless 1950's housewives with no say and no control over our own mind and sexuality .

I enjoy porn , my fiance is not that fussed but he watches with me when we are in the mood , its not because we dont satisfy each other because believe me we do its just another aspect of our sex lives one we use rarely but enjoy when we do and most of the time have a great laugh over .

I think you have some seriously misguided views on the people who indulge in a little fantasy when really its none of your business .

Not ok in your bedroom that's just fine please dont dictate to others what we should or should not be doing in ours .

Alicia - posted on 04/20/2010

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wow... noone who agrees yet? I think the message might've come off offensive, so you might not get too many positive answers. Personally, I hate porn, but it took me awhile to come to that conclusion. I used to look at it just as much as my boyfriend, and even told him to use if it I was too tired. However, I've changed my mind about it. My boyfriend used to joke that those women in porns weren't real people,' so it didn't matter. Then I became friends with a girl who had previously been in the porn industry, and it changed my perspective. We worked at a restaurant, and married men would sometimes recognize her, and point her out, and she ended up getting fired because of it. First of all, and this may just be my opinion, but I think porn is degrading to the women who are IN them. I can't imagine what kind of level you'd have to reach morally and emotionally to be able and willing to do something like that. Then, we let our men watch it (and some women do themselves, as already stated), and it's just 'fun.' Well, that is a REAL woman that my boyfriend is jerking off to, or even just LOOKING at, and that's not okay! I don't think too many women would be okay with their boyfriends/husbands watching any female they had met, whether friends or just acquaintances, do that type of thing in order to get off/gain knowledge/whatever reason might apply here. If my boyfriend is watching another woman on screen and getting off because of what she is doing, then I feel he might as well be cheating, because she IS a real woman, not just some obscure actress that exists solely for the purpose of creating porn. If anyone doesn't care, and enjoys watching it, then that's your own choice, everyone decides their own lifestyle and what they find acceptable. This is just my own personal opinion.

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Christians can be judgmental but That isn't how God wants people to respond. People are ALL sinners striving to walk and be more like God...and that is not an easy task. Christians are people just trying-so please don't judge ALL CHristians as I am certain you are aware that we all can do that with all sorts of things but there are always exceptions.
God asked us to enjoy sex in the marriage bed. You and I know that is far from where people are today...people aren't married (im not condeming-just staing a fact) if you are not married then both people are stealing from each other what God made as a gift for commitment. People wonder why the divorce rate is so high-and I will add it is high among Christians too and that is because many Christians married or lived together before they got convicted by God that they weren't living by HIS rules-so there are consequences of sin. Blessed is the marriage bed- If you have a great marriage and relationship regardless---It can be magnified 100 x better when you are in Gods will.
I can attest to the benefits-Mom of 6 kids-same man-married 26 years. I didn't believe in living together-got married at 19-

Sarah - posted on 04/22/2010

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lol Kassey...well put. I get what a lot of these women are saying but I have to say...if you SERIOUSLY think that your husband thinks ONLY of you ALL of the time, you're crazy! Is he wearing blinders and see nothing but you all day long? Doubtful. Ladies, you need to get out of your self righteous bubble and be realistic. If you seriously think they never look at porn or think of another woman in a sexual way and believe them when they tell you they don't, they are telling you what you want to hear. Not a sexual example but a friend of mine has "the perfect husband" and he "doesn't smoke, drink, curse or look at porn ever!" Or so she claims. He has a mouth of a sailor, smokes like a freight train, could drink most under a table and does look at porn and comment on a "hot chick" that walks by. Just because he tells you one thing or is one way around you....I hate to tell you, don't count on him always being so. There may be a FEW guys out there like that, but they usually tend to live in some godforsaken place with no society around at all or are missionaries. Your husbands aren't perfect and I'm sure most of you are not either. And if you claim to never look at another man or think "oh he's hot", you're full of crap.

Katherine - posted on 04/22/2010

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I think we have enough responses, and frankly this thread is getting a bit ummm crass and inappropriate. I appreciate the thoughts and opinions/but the OP has long since abandoned this post.



Thanks,

Katherine

CoM

Administrator

Cheryl - posted on 04/22/2010

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I agree with Bethany and Alicia - It is degrading as a wife and mother that my husband has to watch porn "cause that's the type of man he is" - It is a form of cheating, not to mention the fact that what is he thinking when he's having sex with you - the girl on the TV?? Or you??? It's downright disgusting!

Shelley - posted on 04/22/2010

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I agree with you Bethany...there is such a thing as porn addiction...it has destroyed relationships....when done in secret and behind backs...I think it's wrong..just like being an alcoholic or drug addict...it's an addiction and excuses will be everywhere!

Arena - posted on 04/22/2010

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Bethany I totally agree!! My husband does also...One women kind of guys are the best. To bad not everyone could have one!

Julie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi Bethany,
I understand your pain. We can't help what other people think. That being said, there is a difference between just some occasional looking and addiction. My ex was a porn addict. Most people don't understand what an all consuming thing it is. When you are talking addiction it can be as corrosive to a relationship as any addiction. In some ways worse. The addiction isn't just looking at some pictures. It is an all consuming need that some people have. Just as big a monkey on their back as any other addiction.
It is like any other addiction they can't and won't stop if they don't believe they have a problem.
I still occasionally have trust issues that show up.
Good luck Bethany!

Julie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi Bethany,

I understand your pain. We can't help what other people think. That being said, there is a difference between just some occasional looking and addiction. My ex was a porn addict. Most people don't understand what an all consuming thing it is. When you are talking addiction it can be as corrosive to a relationship as any addiction. In some ways worse. The addiction isn't just looking at some pictures. It is an all consuming need that some people have. Just as big a monkey on their back as any other addiction.

It is like any other addiction they can't and won't stop if they don't believe they have a problem.

I still occasionally have trust issues that show up.

Good luck Bethany!

Nicole - posted on 04/22/2010

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Wow. That's messed up. The only time my kid had anything to do with my sex life is when I got pregnant with her. I'm sorry you had that experience, but... wow, is all I can really think to say.

Julie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi Bethany,

I understand your pain. We can't help what other people think. That being said, there is a difference between just some occasional looking and addiction. My ex was a porn addict. Most people don't understand what an all consuming thing it is. When you are talking addiction it can be as corrosive to a relationship as any addiction. In some ways worse. The addiction isn't just looking at some pictures. It is an all consuming need that some people have. Just as big a monkey on their back as any other addiction.

It is like any other addiction they can't and won't stop if they don't believe they have a problem.

I still occasionally have trust issues that show up.

Good luck Bethany!

Debra - posted on 04/22/2010

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For all those ladies who think it's ok, and those who think it's ok to keep a "dirty drawer" or keep other pornographic things, please realise that IT WILL AFFECT YOUR CHILDREN - and this post is all about kids right? My dad kept a soft porn magazine and I found it when I was too young, and it did affect me negatively: It espeically affected my view of women. If you want to show society that women are more than this, more than just sex objects, then please be clever enough to get rid of the porn in your own home. If you think it's ok to degrade women, then please don't become a mom.

Brenda - posted on 04/22/2010

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I accidently found out things I did not want to find out (porn chat on computer) (emails with trampy women) .. before with an ex of mine, and the truth really did hurt. I don't snoop on my Fiance now, we are happy also...very and when he feels like seeing some porn, I need to leave it alone. I can't be that controlling, and Men are Men, Men like to see beautiful women, naked lol...and If thats all he does then so be it.....I am just saying that to those women who think their Men dont look at porn... I really don't think there is a Man out there who does not look at porn, I am preetty positive they all do... even if they say they don't. We just need to be more self confident, and ladies... you can't download love.. so just try to remember that at least....... cheers !!

Sharon - posted on 04/22/2010

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Um "watching porn causes you to lust after women" No it doesn't.



100% wrong statement. I have never watched porn and lusted for the plushy warm silken feel of her breasts. I have also never lusted after the men featured in the movies. Big hard throbbing cocks & all - My husband has always been enough for me, to much at times! Like others have said, new positions, new scenarios, are what does it, NOT the people themselves.



I lust to be touched THAT way, to have THAT feeling, not by that person on the screen though. I think I felt a tingle just thinking about it....

Debra - posted on 04/22/2010

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I totally agree. Women need to have more self respect. It's also in the interests of children too for family life and relationship to be a pornography free zone. My husband has said and continues to say that he feels porn is "disgusting". If you have a daughter for example, honestly, how can you ever possibly justify the degradation of women and of sexuality? Many more women need to open their eyes and stop downgrading their own marriage.

Nicole - posted on 04/22/2010

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It doesn't bother me, (and some of the other women you've heard from,) because I look at it, too. It's porn. He's not cheating on me, nor I on him. We're adults, it's our relationship. If you take issue with your man watching porn bring it up to him. Let me know how that works out for you.

Kassey - posted on 04/22/2010

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Women get turned on from watching porn too!!! And watching it together can be even better!

Courtney - posted on 04/22/2010

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Bethany- I am SOOOOOO with you on this one!!!! My husband is too! I absolutely cannot stand the the thought of some other woman naked being the thing that turns my husband on and gets him off. That is MY job and nobody else's. Sure, he gets text message from his buddies of naked girls, and yes he looks and thinks they're hot. And yes, we even have a dirty movie in our "dirty drawer" that we have looked at together a time or two. But that is as far as porn goes in our house!!! I don't like him looking at it period! Call me insecure, call me jealous, call me naive, call me whatever you want to call me - I am 100% on Bethany's side here!!

Kate CP - posted on 04/22/2010

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Christine Traina and Bonnie Duek:

While this is great information next time please post only links and not a book.

Christine - posted on 04/22/2010

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http://www.familylifecenter.net/article....

Resources for Wives Whose Husbands are Addicted to Pornography





We recommend that wives whose husbands have a problem with pornography follow these five steps.



Step 1: Listen

Listen to Dealing with Your Husband’s Secret Life – CD

How do you know?

What can you do?

Where can you turn?

Please listen to this CD before calling/emailing our office for consulting advice.

Dealing with Your Husband’s Secret Life







Step 2: Read

Read through the resources on the webpage: Help for Those Struggling with Pornography

http://dads.org/strugglewithporn.asp







Read the Breaking Free booklet









Step 3: Watch

Now That I Know What Should I Do? This DVD by Dr. Douglas Weiss answers the ten most frequently asked questions for partners of sex addicts. Available for free loan (with a security deposit) from the Family Life Center [mail@familylifecenter.net], or for purchase from Dr. Weiss [1-719-278-3708/ www.intimatematters.com].







Step 4. Contact

Find a counselor. Be willing to travel, especially for intensive counseling. Be sure to contact only counselors who are trained and skilled in working with sex addictions.

http://www.dads.org/sex_addict_counselor...







Step 5. Pray

Actually, prayer isn’t a step as much as it is something that should accompany each phase of recovery.







We strong recommend that you enlist prayer support for the recovery of your spouse, for strength for yourself, and for the healing of your marriage.

http://familylifecenter.net/article.asp?...







Besides contacting the Family Life Center, we recommend that you contact a contemplative religious order and ask them to pray for you and your spouse.











EXTREMELY VALUABLE RESOURCES FOR SPOUSES



Dealing with your husband's secret life.





Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed by Debra Laaser. It is absolutely essential for every woman struggling with sexual betrayal to obtain a copy of this priceless book.





I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Clay & Renee Crosse. A remarkable book that candidly describes the horrendous damage to a marriage that comes from pornography.





OTHER HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR SPOUSES



L.I.F.E. Guide for Spouses by Melissa Haas. Helpful for dealing with the wounds pornography creates and how a spouse should respond to a husband’s addiction.

http://www.freedomeveryday.org/resources...







The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs by Peggy Vaughan. This book is written from a secular perspective, but chapter 3 is useful for effective confrontations and evaluating suspicions.

Note from Steve Wood on “The Monogamy Myth”















Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars by Marsha Means







Important Note: Some of the above resources are written by Evangelical Protestants and one is written from a secular viewpoint. Therefore, Sacraments, sacramentals, and Catholic moral theology may not be present. We cannot recommend the L.I.F.E. Guide for Young Men because of statements in it on masturbation.



Counseling, Intensive Workshops, and Healing for Spouses of Addicts

Bethesda Workshops offer intensive workshops for spouses of addicts. They use the best clinical strategies, coupled with Christian principles, to achieve spiritual, emotional, behavioral, and relational healing. These special workshops for spouses offer hope for women whose spouse is struggling with pornography, infidelity, and other kinds of sexual addiction.







The Bethesda Workshops website offers answers to questions like:

What should I do first if I suspect my spouse is a sex addict?

What do I tell my family and friends?

What do I tell my children?

Are my children safe if my spouse is sexually addicted?

What if my spouse won’t get help?

http://bethesdaworkshops.org/Heal/spouse...







Don’t remain isolated and alone in this struggle. You can begin your own recovery, whether or not your addicted spouse makes a similar choice.

To contact Bethesda Workshops:

Phone: 615-467-5610; Toll-free: 866-464-HEAL

http://bethesdaworkshops.org/Heal/spouse...









Spector Pro 6.0 – Computer Monitoring Software - more...









Marriage Resources:

Marriages are deeply impacted by a sexual addiction. Once the sexual addiction is under control, you may want to attend a week-long marriage intensive.

http://dads.org/article.asp?artId=300







Help for Hurting Marriages – CD Album







PREP marital communications training will prove helpful in restoring and strengthening your marriage. PREP is described on the Help for Hurting Marriages CDs.

Dealing with Your Husband’s Secret Life







A Final Word to Wives Whose Husbands Have a Pornography Habit

http://dads.org/article.asp?artId=243





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Wood's free Dads.org monthly

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1999-2010 Reserved. Family Life Center International.

Janice - posted on 04/22/2010

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Krista, I think you said it the correct way! Your view is most likely the clearest I have read.

Janis - posted on 04/22/2010

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Bethany,
I agree with you that porn can be a huge problem. It can be an addiction and like all addictions will ruin other areas of a persons life. Like all things...in moderation, or once in a GREAT while it is fine. But my opinion is that when it affects other areas of your life such as your job, marriage, family time, sleep schedule, it is a problem

Kassey - posted on 04/22/2010

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Women get turned on from watching porn too!!! And watching it together can be even better!

Susan - posted on 04/22/2010

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I hear your frustration and I truly empathize with you. I think that those of us that accept it just feel differently about things. Personally, I didn't get married expecting that my husband would never be attracted to another person for the rest of his life. I certainly expect lolyalty and fidelity but I don't consider looking at the occassional porn sight or photograph any of my business as long as he's not obsessive, dangererous or spending our families money. I'm sorry that it hurts you so much, but that said, I think its futile to try to control men's natural inclinations. Maybe you will feel better if you pick up some science books about their genetic make up, what drives them biologically etc. It's a pretty interesting subject and it may give you some perspective. It is realy not something they are "doing to us" and it certainly doesn't diminish how he feels about you or how beautiful you are. I do know that my husband feels angry when I try to control him and your anger may have an adverse effect.



All the very best to you,



Susan

Krista - posted on 04/22/2010

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It's not the porn itself that is the problem -- it's how people handle it.



Some couples are not interested in it. And that's totally fine. Some couples use it occasionally to add a little spice, and that's fine too. Sometimes, one half of the couple will use it to blow off steam, with the full knowledge and consent of their partner, and that's fine.



When it becomes a problem, is when things become secretive. If one spouse is very anti-porn, and the other one sneaks around and watches it, then that's damaging. If it's interfering with their real-life sex life, then that's damaging. If there is any sort of disagreement, conflict or tension because of it, then that's damaging.



Porn is like wine. Some couples abstain. Some couples enjoy it. It's when it becomes secretive or an addiction that things turn sour.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/22/2010

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Lol - about being 'feral' Anita!! that reminds of something I read once, that in the Masai language the word for 'man' means something like 'a person tamed by women..' something to think about!!lol On that note I better bugger off and paint my back door! Nice to talk to you Anita - all the best Liz x

Erin - posted on 04/22/2010

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Shannen- I totally agree with you. It is a fantasy! I know a lot of people who look at porn. Not just men! I look at porn. We get new ideas and things to try. We watch it together. I think it keeps our sex life interesting, new and exciting. And because we are so open to it we are able to enjoy it more. And EVERYONE is guilty of it not just men. Have you ever watched a movie and said/thought that guy is cute/hot? I think in every aspect of a relationship you have to be open and honest.

Kassey - posted on 04/22/2010

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Women get turned on from watching porn too!!! And watching it together can be even better!

Krista - posted on 04/22/2010

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Has anyone ever considered the alternate? That women like viewing porn as well? The women in those movies do so because they want to be there. They make the same choice as the men in the movies do.



If they don't want to be in certain situations, they don't. There is all matters of porn, from being bound and gagged to very soft, passionate sex.



I think you're extremely close minded to believe that the women are being forced into anything.

Lanie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Seriously you are frustrated at the stupidest thing.. let me tell you this. I have been married for 12 years and honestly I do not care that my husband looks at porn. To be totally honest I have on occation watched some with him, that does not mean I am not enough for him it just means we like to spice up our lives. While my husband and I are sperates due to deployment I would rather him look at porn and release himself then have an affair as many men do when there seperated. Can you tell me honestly you have not looked at another man since you have been married and thought he was attractive? That does not mean your cheating it human nature to look at the opsite sex or even the same sex if you are into that. Before you start jugding others maybe you should look at your own relationship.

Lanie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Seriously you are frustrated at the stupidest thing.. let me tell you this. I have been married for 12 years and honestly I do not care that my husband looks at porn. To be totally honest I have on occation watched some with him, that does not mean I am not enough for him it just means we like to spice up our lives. While my husband and I are sperates due to deployment I would rather him look at porn and release himself then have an affair as many men do when there seperated. Can you tell me honestly you have not looked at another man since you have been married and thought he was attractive? That does not mean your cheating it human nature to look at the opsite sex or even the same sex if you are into that. Before you start jugding others maybe you should look at your own relationship.

Janice - posted on 04/22/2010

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Honestly, I have never had that issue. My SO does not look at porn. Or at least since we have been together. It would hurt me deeply if that was happening, because he assures me I am more than enough. Of course, we are both in our 40s.. so that may be part of the issue.

Yes, it would bother me a lot if that was the case. I hear men talk all the time about what they watch or look at, and it saddens me. Even strip bars seem to be a spot for men to "release" inhibitions. If you have chosen someone to spend your life with... it is mental cheating to masturbate to someone else or an image in my opinion.

Rachel - posted on 04/22/2010

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why is is that Christians are the most judgemental of people?? As far as I am aware the God you profess to worship loves everyone equally and does not judge others. So what you are saying is a very unchristian way to act and behave. And for the person who asked others to pray for those who watch porn - dont be so patronising!

[deleted account]

From another point of view that i may have missed but havent seen anyone say anything like it.

I am 28 weeks pregnant and not interested in sex at all, so if my husband wants to look at porn to what ever level ( besides strip joints and such) then i feel that as i am not up to pleasing him right now he can. He needs some sort of release. He doesnt do it when the kids are around or even when they are having their sleeps in the middle of the day he only does it late at night and i generally know and if i ask he will tell me. We share one computer so i know what he has done without snooping.

I have looked at porn before and some things i look at and think what the? But then other things i see i'm like " i so have to try that with my hubby"

Its a fantasy and for people to say they dont have them is being un realistic.

Do you expect your hubby to go with out for up to a yr while your pregnant if you are one of those women who really just dont want it? Whats he supposed to do?

And my hubby does it very rearly, usually when i am pregnant, lol its all my fault!

And even then its not like he is addicted or anything he may have a look every 3 months. So how will that mean he is going to cheat?

Christine - posted on 04/22/2010

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Looking at porn is lusting after other women. It's plain adultery. Is it any different than going to strip bars? no. It's abusing the women in the movies and the bars....looking at women as objects to "use". It's sinful and destroys relationships.

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Im with you- Pornography is WRONG and it is as if they are having an affair on you. SO if you accept it-shame shame shame. If your husband is into pornography needs help.If you have little boys you should think again because chances are they will follow into daddy's footsteps and if everyone thinks its ok---relationships are not where they need/should be. Your husband needs help-counceling as porn is reaching epidemic porportions. Advertising is soft porn that you can see over the counter-television-ads near my kids games online always have seductive photos-Ladies YOu need to speak up and NOT shut up-It is getting worse NOT better... Get help-and don't choose not to address it---

Anita - posted on 04/22/2010

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Well said Elizabeth, some very instersting points and I agree with you.
Yes, I am an 'Aussie' lol. Actually I am a bit ebarassed to be an Australian, I think they have taken the laid back Aussie attitude too far, so much that they are becoming feral!

Elizabeth - posted on 04/22/2010

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...I just wanted to add...and this probably follows on from the post Boonie had added. I think the real problem is not so much pornography, but it's wide availability these days. I was chatting to my daughter about it the other day - she's gay and yes she watches stuff, I said back in the day, it was a subject of hillarity! Only dirty old men in raincoats bought porn films and you had to go out of your way to find it. That seemed like a good thing to me, and it sort of had its peverse charm and was a part of English culture! I suppose it's an issue of civil liberty versus the higher good, as a smoker I'd be a hypocrte to say 'porn should be banned' even if I don't particuarly like it or 'get it' from the point of view of being a woman, and maybe tighter controls on the industry would be a good thing. Actually I think a number of people in the sex industry are pro protective legislation, most are VERY concerned about child pornography and the white slave trade for instance. But like Pandora's box the 'devil' has been unleashed via the Internet, and like many modern inventions it has its good and bad side - the wide availibilty of porn being one of them...of course some of the young mummy's here will have grown up with this 'normalisation' which might explain why they find Bethany's objections hard to understand...
Peace xx

Latisha - posted on 04/22/2010

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I completely agree with Joanna!!! Yes there are some ppl out there that watch it because they want to "jerk off", (and notice that I do say ppl and not just me). But there are plenty of ppl out there that watch it for other reasons, new positions, ideas, the spice up their love lifes, etc. I know cupples that watch porn together! I've had to get used to it for the simple reason that my husband is in the service and I honestly think I haven't met one person that doesn't/hasn't watched it. But if you have such a problem with it, let your man look at pics of you (as long as you trust him/her with stuff like that). That's what my husband got from me while he was over in the desert, and he even took porn with him to begin with but asked if i'd send him pics so that he could look at that instead. Sometimes it's all ppl have when they need to get their "rocks off". So in all honesty you need to get off your high horse and get over it. Sorry

Elizabeth - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi Anita!

Thanks for your response...yes I agree with you, in reality we shouldn't have to ajust to this and accept it, and I think its only because both men and women are conditioned to respond to looking at naked women, that women too seem to like porn. It really is 'brainwashing' but I think most people here have misinterpreted what Bethany meant by that statement - the example I cite to people is why is it then that in some cultures the naked body is not sexualised? see my point:-) The 'brainwashing' is a deep rooted Indo-European dichomomy over sex and the female body, again a complex subject (I'm a political feminist and Goddess advocate - a dying breed too!!lol)

I think the truth is, we can't erase porn out of culture even if we want to (and to be honest Anita I think the world would be better without it, in the way the Earth would be better off without human beings - but we're here!!lol) so like anything we don't like, we have to try and negotiate a way around it, make the enemy an allie. That is why i liked Annie Sprinkle so much, although she is clearly pro-porn, she is pro-woman and wants to encourage more realistic comforting images of women to be filmed and for women to have complete control over the porn industry, in effect putting the erotic and 'less is more' back. I personally prefer reading stuff to seeing it and I don't look at porn myself, I 'd just feel like a complete sleaze, most of the people in those films are young enough to be my kids afterall...at the end of the day, yes you do just get too old for that caper!lol I can't say I'm completely OK with my partner though, I don't think he looks at it all that much now, we're both middle-aged, tired and stressed these days! But I know the women he looked at were big girls like me, and I know he adores my body and truly loves me, I'm beginning to trust him, but it took time to be honest Anita. So are you an Aussie?! I can imagine what you mean about the blokey-blokes!!lol

Bonnie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Here is an article that I read and see what you all think - it is long but worth the read - there are many more studies out there. It is not wether we enjoy it - but whether it is good. I enjoy many things that are not good for me.

Harmless Fun or Public Health Hazard?
by Daniel Weiss

From the Summit on Pornography: Obscenity Enforcement, Corporate Participation and Violence against Women and Children.




As we consider pornography and the law, we must answer a foundational question: Does the state have a compelling interest in protecting people from obscene materials?

Folks on this panel may agree that the state does have such an interest, but U.S. District Judge Gary Lancaster came to a different conclusion. Dismissing the Justice Department’s case against Extreme Associates, a company producing rape and torture films, Lancaster wrote that “the government can no longer rely on the advancement of a moral code … as a legitimate, let alone a compelling state interest.”

Aside from ignoring clear Supreme Court precedent, Lancaster’s ruling recognized no harm posed by obscene materials. However this case is ultimately decided, it underscores a declining lack of recognition in legal and cultural realms of pornography's threats to individuals, families, and society.

Ultimately, for obscenity law to be consistently and effectively enforced, our culture must understand the facts on pornography.

More than 25 years ago, Dr. Victor Cline identified the progressive nature of pornography addiction. Once addicted, a person’s need for pornography escalates both in frequency and in deviancy. The person then grows desensitized to the material, no longer getting a thrill from what was once exciting. Finally, this escalation and desensitization drives many addicts to act out their fantasies on others.1

At a Senate hearing last fall, medical experts corroborated Cline’s early breakthroughs. New technology is allowing doctors to look inside addicts' brains to determine just how damaging pornography is. The witnesses described research showing the similarity of porn addiction to cocaine addiction. Further, because images are stored in the brain and can be recalled at any moment, these experts believe that a porn addiction may be harder to break than a heroin addiction.2

Now, no one is seriously advocating the legalization of cocaine or heroin, but somehow the pornography industry has convinced a large segment of the population that viewing porn is not just harmless fun, but is also a fundamental right.

By not calling pornography what it is — highly addictive and destructive material — we are heading for troubled times. Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading researcher on sex addiction, estimates that 3 to 6 percent of Americans are sexually addicted.3 That’s as many as 20 million people.

This epidemic isn’t confined to individuals, however. Pornography is one of the leading causes of family breakdown today.

Two-thirds of the divorce lawyers attending a 2002 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers said excessive interest in online porn contributed to more than half of the divorces they handled that year. They also said pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years earlier.4

A poll conducted through my own organization’s Web site found that 50 percent of more than 50,000 respondents had been negatively affected by pornography.

This devastation isn’t confined to adults either. The Justice Department estimates that nine of 10 children between the ages of 8 and 16 have been exposed to pornography online.5 Software company Symantec found that 47 percent of school-age children receive pornographic spam on a daily basis,6 and representatives from the pornography industry told Congress’ COPA Commission that as much as 20 to 30 percent of the traffic to some pornographic Web sites are children.7

Ralph DiClemente, a behavioral scientist at Emory University, described the danger of this exposure. He said, “[Children] can’t just put [porn] into their worldview, because they don’t have one.”8 He went on to explain that pornography becomes a building block in a child’s mental and emotional development.

When pornography becomes a filter through which the rest of life is understood, serious damage occurs. A 2001 report found that more than half of all sex offenders in Utah were adolescents — and children as young as 8 years old were committing felony sexual assault.9

The porn industry fights laws such as the Child Online Protection Act, which requires pornographers to use age verification systems, because they know this flood of pornographic imagery is creating a new generation of consumers.

This increased culture-wide sexualization is generating incredible public health risks. One in five adults in the United States has an STD,10 and 19 million new STD infections occur annually, almost half of them among youth ages 15 to 24.11

Pornography is also a significant factor in sexual violence. The FBI reports that the most common interest among serial killers is hardcore pornography. Another study found that 87 percent of child molesters were regular consumers of hardcore pornography.12 Just last week, the nation mourned 8-year-old Jessica DeLaTorre, who was abducted, raped, and murdered by a porn addict who had viewed child pornography at an Internet café the night before.

Many of you may also recall Ted Bundy, the serial killer from Florida. In an interview with Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson, just hours before he was executed, Bundy described how early exposure to pornography consumed him and led him down his murderous path. He said he was ultimately responsible for his actions, but that the messages in pornography primed him for those actions.

As horrifying as this is, we should not be surprised. Although the Supreme Court was clear in Miller v. California that hardcore pornography enjoys no First Amendment protection, lax federal and state law enforcement has essentially given obscenity the protection denied to it in the Constitution.

This lack of enforcement has allowed a back-alley enterprise to grow into an unprecedented global trade in human persons. Pornography turns people into commodities. Men and women become sexual objects to be bought, sold, used and discarded. The last time the United States recognized human beings as consumer goods, it took a civil war to end it.

We should not be shocked with skyrocketing STD infections or marital and family breakdown. Nor when men rape women and children or even when children rape one another. These developments are entirely consistent with the explosive growth in pornography.

It's not harmless adult entertainment, as some would like us to believe, but a real, measurable and undeniable threat to individuals, families and society.

The crucial question before us is not whether or not the state has a compelling interest in protecting society from the harm of pornography, but rather, given the overwhelming evidence of harm, why it chooses to do so little?

Testimony by Daniel Weiss, Senior Analyst for Media and Sexuality, Focus on the Family, at the May 19, 2005, Summit on Pornography: Obscenity Enforcement, Corporate Participation and Violence against Women and Children.













Last revised on May 19, 2006



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 Dr. Victor B. Cline, Pornography’s Effects on Adults & Children (New York: Morality in Media, 1999), p. 5.
2 "The Science Behind Pornography Addiction," U.S. Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation Web site, (expert witness testimony), http://commerce.senate.gov/hearings/witn... (18 May 2005).
3 “Sex Addiction Q&A,” SexHelp.com, http://www.sexhelp.com/sa_q_and_a.cfm (16 May 2005).
4 “Is the Internet Bad for Your Marriage? Online Affairs, Pornographic Sites Playing Greater Role in Divorces,” PR Newswire, 14 November 2002.
5 Prepared statement of Attorney General John Ashcroft at National Prosecutors' Symposium on Obscenity, 6 June 2002.
6 “Symantec survey reveals more than 80 percent of children using email receive inappropriate spam daily,” Symantec News Release, 9 June 2003.
7 Dick Thornburgh and Herbert S. Lin, eds., Youth, Pornography and the Internet, (Washington, D.C.: National Academies Press, 2002), p. 78.
8 Dean Schabner, “Danger Zone?” ABCNews.com, 26 June 2002.
9 “Child on Child,” KSL TV, May 7, 2001.
10 W. Cates Jr. “Estimates of the Incidence and Prevalence of Sexually Transmitted Diseases in the United States,” American Social Health Association Panel, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, 1999; 26 (Supp): 2-7.
11 H. Weinstock, S. Berman and W. Cates, “Sexually Transmitted Diseases Among American Youth: Incidence and Prevalence Estimates, 2000,” Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 2004; 36(1):6-10.
12 W. Marshall, “Report on the Use of Pornography by Sexual Offenders,” Report to the Federal Department of Justice, Ottawa, Canada, 1983.

Anita - posted on 04/22/2010

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Elizabeth.. first all a big congratulations that you found a way to manage your husbands porn BUT I have to say that there are men out there (such as my partner) who absolutely despis pornography. We have been together for about 7-8 years now. He is from North England, near Scotland, and he is just soooo different to the 'rough and gruff' Australian men here. He actually has manners and knows how to treat a lady. Maybe I am lucky or maybe this is just normal? It just upsets me when I hear that women have to learn to 'adjust' to their partners sleazy ways, I was with a sleaze for 10 years so this is why I am so passionate about the topic.

Bethany... it is refreshing to hear from another woman who despises porn as much as I do. Society has unfortunately made porn to be so 'casual' and 'normal' but in a relationship you don't need porn (unless your relationship is based on sex?). so good on you for speaking out.

Elizabeth - posted on 04/22/2010

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Hi Bethany...

A very difficult issue and very complex in reality. I do understand how you feel, I know you feel angry, confused and insecure, threatened by it and the last thing you need to hear (especially from other women) is that old nugget 'get over it'... I'm actaully really horrified by the unkind replies you've had to this post, I really am so sorry is all I can say, that upsets me more than anything to do with porn, in fact it pales the issue into isignificance. For the record if you want to find something good about porn, that might make you feel better look up 'Annie Sprinkle' she is an ex porn star and prostitute turned sex guru and 'feminist porn activist' she's on my facebook and is a fabulous lady who LOVES and supports women 100%, she's even married to a woman! Porn made for us by women is how I 'got over it' knowing that here are women out there who actually LIKE each other and care more about female sexual empowerment than titilating men! You need to be reassued by your husband, and the truth is he would probably find it sexy if you watched it too, it took me a long time and a lot of work, but we got through the 'porn issue' and well, I just don't dwell on it too much! It really is all about how you feel about YOU, and of course in a society where women are so competitive with each other, how can anyone much feel good about themselves if they don't fit the prescribed European hegemony? Anyway, sorry this is probably the wrong forum to launch into the politics and implications of all this, but suffice to say...work with this and work through it, keep loving yourself and find beautiful women who will validate you, not tear you down for feeling upset.

Hugs to you sister xxx

Anita - posted on 04/22/2010

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I don't care what other people do in their relationship but I personally think it's wrong to look at porn in a relationship. Sure, my partner may come accross a scantily clad woman on the internet or in a magazine but he doesn't 'oggle' and we have discussed this issue when we first got together. It is pure DISRESPECT if the man looks at porn when he knows his wife/girlfriend is uncomfortable with the idea (different issue if the woman has no problems with it... but I still cannot understand why a woman would want her husband/boyfriend lusting over someone else? .. and it's not a confidence issue because I am 100% confident with my partner, I just think it's disrespectful). I am lucky that my partner is disgusted by prostitutes and pornography (my previous partner who I was with for 10 years apparently cheated on me with prostitutes the whole time we were together and he was always buying those disgusting magazines. I only found out he was cheating after being with him for 10 years but left him the day I found out... I supppose what I am trying to say is 'a leopord will never change his spots' and looking at pornography might lead him to more sinister activities such as having sex with other women... and then that might lead to std's etc....). If a man is 'oggling' porn then why would he not be oggling other women in the street etc? I just think it's wrong. (in a relationship that is anyway)

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