Bethany - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 146 moms have responded )
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Ladies, I am so frustrated.
I keep reading all these posts by women saying that their husbands/boyfriends look at porn and it doesn't bother them at all. Seriously?! It's not a problem for you that your guy fantasizes and lusts after some other woman? That he jerks off to the image of someone else? It doesn't bother you that he doesn't think you're enough to satisfy his "needs" so he starts looking elsewhere? That he's so addicted to this trash that he has to look again and again? It really doesn't phase you at all that he is not a one-woman man? Do you really, truly believe that it's okay to look as long as you don't touch?
Seriously?!
Are we so brainwashed that we actually believe that's "just the way men are" and it's become no big deal? Come on! Where are the women who know it's not okay, and those who have men in their lives who also know it's not okay? Please! I need to know you're out there.
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Rita - posted on 04/22/2010
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Wow! I have sat here and read all 137 replies to this thread and am just amazed in such a myriad of ways!
First I agree that the start of this thread was rude, judgemental, and antagonizing to anyone who does not agree with the poster. If you wanted to find support of your opinion, then dont attack others who dont share it!
Second, the replies that were judgemental and condemning. I do have to agree, the ppl touting christian and biblical beliefs are the most uncompassionate, judgemental " My way is right, your way is wrong" attitude. Hmm and they wonder why so many do not attend church, even when they claim to believe in God?
Third, the judgementalness and degration of women by women. What you do and believe are your choices and path in life, what others do and choose is their business. If they choose to be a porn star (or unknown even), a dancer (stripper according to most), or an escort (hooker, prostitute, whatever you want to call it); it is their choice on this path of life. Just because you dont agree with their choice does not give you the right to judge their life! Or be degrading towards those who have choosen it. Some of you who do watch porn or dont care that your husbands do have issues against dancers, or escorts. Now I can see that you would have issues if your husband was going behind your back and enjoying those ladies. But there was alot of condemnation about its only pictures, not like hes at the strip club or seeing hookers. Those are ladies too; they are daughters, mothers, sisters, wives, girlfriends...and they chose that career. Or they had little choice of making a living, putting food on the table, keeping a roof over their head, paying tuition, etc. It does not mean they are skanks or nasty, and not all of them are druggies or drunks. My husband has a t-shirt that says I support single moms, and has the profile of a dancer hanging on a pole. Enuf said?
Then there are the issues of addiction, porn can be and is a drug of choice. There were a few replies about moderation, and I agree. When something becomes an addiction there is a problem, it affects everyone around, tears apart families, etc. As with any addiciton, if it consumes the person it is damaging. But dont assume just because men and/or women enjoy porn, that its an addiction and damaging to the marriage or the children.
I am sorry for the person who found her father's porn too young. That is sad that you were hurt by it. Young children would be confused and can be hurt by things they do not understand, and parents need to protect them from things that are not age-appropriate. That goes way beyond just porn. And the internet references and the blaming rape and murder on porn is just grasping for an excuse to control other's lives. If the parents are keeping track of what their children are exposed to, porn will not damage them. I have 5 boys, I have never prohibitted them from respectfully appreciating a woman's beauty. My 14 y/o has magazines photos all over his walls of beautiful ladies, I gave them to him. They are not nudes, they are tasteful. And we discussed that appreciating a woman's body as beautiful is not wrong, as long as it is respectful, and not just a sexual thing. He gets that, and he does not disrespect women. I have 4 girls and they know that they are more than a sexual object, that they are a complete person, and worthwhile and deserve respect, love, and compassion. They will not tolerate boys or men who do not treat them properly. They know that it is ok to say a person is pretty or hott, or sexy, because it is true and nothing wrong with appreciating that someone has nice looks. But they also know that it does not matter what someone looks like on the outside, it matters who the person is and what is on the inside. They do not judge anyone based on looks, beliefs, religion, etc. We are very open about sexuality in our household, because I want them to discuss those things with us, and know what they are thinking, and give them correct information; not get it from their friends on believe everything they happen to see on tv. I try to instill in my sons that they need to example to their sisters how boys/men should treat them. We also make sure that our children know that sex is a beautiful, more than physical, act between partners. It is not dirty, or trivial, or wrong it is natural. We as humans were created as the only mammals to have sexual pleasure. The comment about 'spewing of seed' was old testament law, which since Christ's death we are not bound by. I do not believe that we are supposed to only enjoy pleasure when our partners are available. If that were true, sex lives with a houseful of kids would be non-existant! And self-pleasure tends to lead to more pleasure together. Denying that we are sexual beings and not allowing ourselves that pleasure causes undue stress.
So if my husband wants to enjoy porn online, in magazines, whatever that is his release when I am not available. Usually, it makes him want me more! And we have and do watch it together, I also watch videos that he has so I know more what he likes, and he knows I watch it occasionally. Most of our children know that we have sex toys, they do not know what or where, but they are aware (age-appropirately). When my 14 y/o first heard that we had a sex toybox, he said to us "Normal parents dont have sex toyboxes" I said to him, "No normal parents just dont TELL you they do." I feel it is wrong to hide things from my kids, when they are old enough to understand. It is good for them to see that we love each other and even tho we are 'old' (42 & 38) we still are attracted to each other. We set the example that sex is not just physical, relationships are much much more than just sex, and sex is much much more than just making love.
I am sorry that other peoples choices and opinions are such a concern to others, and that it frustrates and stresses them that other people enjoy things they dont. I have enough everyday stress just being a wife, mom, and business owner that I dont need to worry about what other people do in their own homes, or even at the stripclubs or in hotel rooms, etc. The only way it is damaging is when it is done behind your partners back or if you choose to do something that you know they will be uncomfy with. As partners you have to be open enough to know what your partners comfort zone is, and where the boundaries are. My husband and I set boundaries before we were married, and we reevaluate those as necessary. We have the freedom to have an open marriage if we choose, which has rarely been exercised by either of us, but we are secure in knowing that there is no cheating no infidelity, as long as the boundaries that we have agreed on are respected. We have a very secure, healthy sex life and marriage. If we want to spice it up, thats kewl!
I know that I will get tons of crazy, judgemental comments to my opinions and our relationship. But I am secure in who I am as a woman, wife, mother and that's all that matters. I am respectful and non-judging of others opinions, nothing I said was attacking or condemning to other people's lifestyle or opinions. I simply call it as I see it and wanted to point out that to have a civil discussion we should all be accepting and compassionate of others feelings, choices, and opinions.
Alicia - posted on 04/20/2010
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Ok...this bothers me so much, and I see it all the time on COMs. Clearly Bethany is upset about this, and is looking to see if anyone else feels the same way. She just posted her opinion. She already stated that she knows many women are okay with this, so I don't understand the need for so many people to write how they love it, etc, when she already stated that she had already read about that. It just comes off meanly and defensive. If you're okay with what you're doing, then fine, she was just looking for support from other women who feel the same way, which is what she wrote in her last couple sentences. I realize her first paragraph wasn't phrased the best way, but this site is specifically for women who want support, or are looking for other moms who are like them so that they don't have to feel like they're the odd mom out, so it is upsetting that I keep seeing these responses, -not just on this post,- of these women who post rude know-it-all replies that aren't supportive or understanding at all-you're just trying to get across the fact that you don't agree AT ALL and you want to make sure they know it.
Sharon - posted on 04/21/2010
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To the woman who said "porn can lead to cheating". Did you ever stop to think that maybe his cheating nature led to the poorn? That porn was the stop gap measure he used before cheating on his wife?
Charlie - posted on 04/21/2010
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You do realize 1 in 3 women enjoy watching porn too , Im not exactly sure why , what other people do is your problem , im not sure why you have concerned yourself so much in other peoples lives .
No we are not brainwashed but thanks for judging us and assuming we are helpless 1950's housewives with no say and no control over our own mind and sexuality .
I enjoy porn , my fiance is not that fussed but he watches with me when we are in the mood , its not because we dont satisfy each other because believe me we do its just another aspect of our sex lives one we use rarely but enjoy when we do and most of the time have a great laugh over .
I think you have some seriously misguided views on the people who indulge in a little fantasy when really its none of your business .
Not ok in your bedroom that's just fine please dont dictate to others what we should or should not be doing in ours .
Alicia - posted on 04/20/2010
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wow... noone who agrees yet? I think the message might've come off offensive, so you might not get too many positive answers. Personally, I hate porn, but it took me awhile to come to that conclusion. I used to look at it just as much as my boyfriend, and even told him to use if it I was too tired. However, I've changed my mind about it. My boyfriend used to joke that those women in porns weren't real people,' so it didn't matter. Then I became friends with a girl who had previously been in the porn industry, and it changed my perspective. We worked at a restaurant, and married men would sometimes recognize her, and point her out, and she ended up getting fired because of it. First of all, and this may just be my opinion, but I think porn is degrading to the women who are IN them. I can't imagine what kind of level you'd have to reach morally and emotionally to be able and willing to do something like that. Then, we let our men watch it (and some women do themselves, as already stated), and it's just 'fun.' Well, that is a REAL woman that my boyfriend is jerking off to, or even just LOOKING at, and that's not okay! I don't think too many women would be okay with their boyfriends/husbands watching any female they had met, whether friends or just acquaintances, do that type of thing in order to get off/gain knowledge/whatever reason might apply here. If my boyfriend is watching another woman on screen and getting off because of what she is doing, then I feel he might as well be cheating, because she IS a real woman, not just some obscure actress that exists solely for the purpose of creating porn. If anyone doesn't care, and enjoys watching it, then that's your own choice, everyone decides their own lifestyle and what they find acceptable. This is just my own personal opinion.