Just curious.....

Angie - posted on 12/29/2008 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I have been a widow since July 9,2007. I still have his work boots by the back door. His special shorts and the shorts he wore the day before he was killed are still on the footboard of our bed(where he put them). I have not dated or had any relationships since his death. I know that every person is different, but I need some input from all of you. I feel like I am ready to continue on with my life. I know he will always be a part of my life. He was the greatest. I still think about him several times every day. I am curious if any others that have continued on felt guilty. I think that it is almost going to feel like I am cheating on him. I guess I don't even know the emotions I am going to encounter when I pack his clothes and clean off his side of the dresser and his side of the closet. I guess I am confused and need a little guidance.

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Holly - posted on 02/01/2009

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i still buy things at the grocery eric liked. i have to get the butter he wanted. really, i don't know the difference in butters. i also look at men's clothing, picking out things he liked or would have looked good on him.  our little inside jokes---i will say certain things he always said like "shuckydarn" or "little monkey" (referring to one of our kids).  i don't want to forget the funny stuff. i think that is what scares me the most--forgetting something about him. i already can't remember what tattooes were on which arm.

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Hi Ladies, I just joined the group and it has been incredible reading everyones stories. I lost my husband in a car accident in March 2006. I was with him in the car and walked out of the crash with minor injuries while he and his two aunts who had lived with us for the better of our married life passed away. My children are now 18, 15 and 10 and it has been an incredibly difficult journey because I have felt so alone. I would love to be able to let go and meet someone who would comfort and take care of me because sometimes the responsibility of being the sole caregiver becomes so overwhelming. I am in a very "unusual" situation as my Husband's parents moved in with me after the accident and have stayed - this makes even the idea of moving on a very tricky one. Although I appreciate my mum-in-law helping me around the house while I work it is now becoming a problem for me. Any ideas on how to handle the situation?
PS Living with your in-laws in not so unusual in our community but it is unusual the way things happened with me.

With regard to dreams, I wish I would dream of my husband. I don't remember any dreams and I am very frustrated that I don't. I hate to hear that someone elses has had a dream of him and wonder why I don't. I am sure that he would not want me to be lonely or sad for the rest of my life.

Cheryl - posted on 04/12/2009

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my sister has come up with the idea that she will make 3 quilts (1 for herself and 1 each for her children).....using pieces from clothing that was worn by her late husband.....his old fishing shirt, some army uniform, some from clothes worn on special occasions and every day clothes............i lost my own husband a number of years ago.   i have found that i don't need to have things around me to remind me of him and he would have wanted his things to be used by others rather than left lying around....so eventually his things went to people who needed them.....................as far as new relationships....i know my husband would not have wanted me to live a lonely life.   after a couple of attempts at relationships ..i found that i prefer to live independantly.......i go out.....have friends......live life.....



don't feel guilty about going out.........and as far as worrying about other people's disapproval ....live your life for you.....there is nothing wrong with seeking out the company of other human beings....going out for a night and enjoying it....joining a club.....taking a holiday....etc...................



i had to answer this question.......would my husband have wanted me to remain sad and lonely?.........i know he loved me too much to wish that of me ...



this has been my experience..........i hope the choices you eventually make will be right for you and  your children and lead to wonderful experiences



 

Kristine - posted on 04/10/2009

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Betty,



I know how you feel. My husband dealt with his cancer for 2 years and died in a hospital bed in our living room. I held him as he struggled to breath. His lungs filled with fluid and he was just gasping for air. I will never forget that horrible sound. At least I was there with him when he died. It is difficult raising 4 kids alone but I have a strenght that I didn't know I had. I ended up having to move in order to make things easier for us. Good luck to you

Betty - posted on 03/11/2009

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Last April, I watched my husband die in our bedroom after a short battle with cancer. The way he passed was so traumatizing for me because it was not a peaceful passing -he fought to the end, gasping for breath and in obvious distress. After we buried him, everytime I went into the bedroom, all I could see was the painful memory of his last struggle. My two kids and I did not sleep in the bedroom where he passed for several months. Instead we chose to sleep altogether in my daughter's bedroom because we were still so unnerved by his passing in the master bedroom. Finally, after several months I decided to return back to my bedroom even though I was still nervous about being in that room. Every now & then I get a little apprehensive twinge thinking I would see him through my peripheral vision but so far I haven't experienced any thing. One day I was looking for something in the bedroom and then I noticed an open medical packet that the paramedics had used on my husband when they tried to revive him - apparently I had missed this on the corner of the floor and that immediately brought back a memory surge of that fateful day. It is getting better now for me & the kids but every now & then I recall what happened on the day he passed.

Cathy - posted on 03/10/2009

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While I am no where close to ready to move on, I did have some other comments to share. My husband died suddenly & unexpectedly in his sleep of a heart attack on 06/02/08. He was 39 and our daughter was 3 months old. Greg went to sleep in the guest bed the night of 06/01 so he could have fan on him (we don't have AC) and because he said I snored so loud that he couldn't sleep. He usually started off sleeping in our bed and then in the middle of the night would move to the guest bed. I guess after 9 years of marriage I just got used to this behavior. Anyway, I found him dead in the morning when he didn't respond to his alarm. I called 911 and did CPR in the guest room. I was not able to sleep in any bed for 6 months. I slept on the couch. In December I finally decided I needed to sleep in a bed and I still can't sleep in our bed - I sleep on the guest bed. Our bed has a mattress I hate and it was something we bought 2 years ago when we moved into this house. The guest bed was OUR bed for 7 years in our old house. And, Greg built the guest bed. I still sleep on my side though, but that is the side I did CPR on. I couldn't get Greg on the floor to do CPR because I didn't want to drop him & hurt him.

Another odd note, both my mother-in-law and Greg's grandmother told me within a week of his death that it was "ok if in about a year or so if I wanted to start looking for someone". That is totally inappropriate for them to have said anything.

Betty - posted on 02/01/2009

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Quoting Angie:

I have had several dreams of Jason. The last one came on December 12. That was our 10 yr. It was a crazy dream. He was all happy and laughing. He gave me a long hug and said everything is going to be alright. It was weird. He gave me the hug at the same place where I told him I was preganant with our daughter. He told me the same thing at that time. I am going to see Sylvia Brown on Feb. 21 and hope she can help me with that dream. I love to have dreams where he comes to visit. They remind me of the song "I'm already there" by Lonestar. It is the one with the family of military members saying things. One lady says "I have a dream, and I'm so excited to tell him, and I wake up and he's not there."


I really want to believe that these mediums can speak with the dead. I also thought about going to one of those John Edward shows. The hardest thing for me about the death of my husband is not having the reassuring dream that shows me he is back to being healthy and not in any more pain. They say you have to be receptive to the signals especially through dreams. The only dreams I have had with my husband in it are short and non-comforting. In these short dreams he is still holding his stomach with discomfort. This is what bothers me the most.  However, in some of his sisters' dreams, he has come to them all healed and healthy.  Why hasn't it happened to me?

Teri - posted on 02/01/2009

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The decision to move on is so difficult because it is not what we planned. We planned to move on with this most important person in our lives and now it all seems so unnatural to be doing it alone. The thought of going on without How is so difficult. I cannot pack away his things. I have pictures all over the house, I still find myself picking up things at the grocery store that he would have liked and menus that he liked me to make. To me they seem to be the signs that I am not ready to move on. Maybe he will show me that it is ok one day, but for now, I guess it is not time for me. I am sure it will be difficult, taking baby steps forward each day and then finally we will be in a place where we are ready and we will know that we are ready. Hope that helps, no way is wrong, just different for all of us. Take care.



"I'll cry, or maybe someday stop, or just run out of tears."

"Wait for me, I'll be there soon."

Betty - posted on 02/01/2009

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My husband & I have been together for over 14 yrs when he passed so suddenly last year in April. Although our relationship had its ups & downs, I know I relied on him heavily for so many things. So when he passed I felt so lost and so alone plus I had two kids to be responsible for. I would like to think I can maybe have another relationship in the future but I am so scared that I will never meet anyone I like and who will like me in return. I know that prior to my husband's passing, he expressed his wish for me to find someone else. Of course at that time, I brushed it off saying he was being silly. So now I'm also in the same boat - whether to move on without feeling guilty and betraying his love. But I know that he would want me to do so - just not right now (for me). I'm only 47 yrs old but still scared that no one will love me the way my husband did.

Tammie - posted on 01/31/2009

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Had one of those milestones today.  Jan.31st is my daughter's 18th birthday.  It was hard to write on her card how I felt about celebrating this milestone without her dad.  I hope it's not too difficult for her - she did/does love her dad tremendously.  She is so much like her dad - generous, loving, lively.  Strangely enough, the more I think about him not being here for such a major event, the more I feel a sense of pride.  Maybe this is a reflection of the pride Mark felt being her dad.  My Dad was alive and I didn;t hear from him on my 18th.  My husband was so involved with Megan, and he was taken from us - strange justice.  I suppose someday we'll all know why.  Megan is going to spend her special day with her beau at Disneyland.  Should be a great day - sunny and warm and normal.

Diana - posted on 01/30/2009

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so many things for us all to talk about and how comforting that it is all mostly the same.



we lost steve in an accident at age 34 in may of '05. our daughter was 2 1/2 and i was 27. steve and i had been together 10 years.



i have also taken his side of the bed.



i packed up as much as possible within the 1st month we lost him. i figured i'd use the emotional numbness and just get it done. we actually moved into a new place 10 months after he died. it worked well for me. i then was able to place pieces of his things around our new house as i wanted to. it's all about feeling any sense of control i supoose.



i have started a new relationship with a really great guy i have known from my past. he grew up with a widowed mother and has been entirely understanding and a true gem. YES, guilt is ever present. i hate to say it but it just sits there. so many of my dreams with steve in them are about him still being alive and me trying to hide any eveidence of this new relationship. also, there is so much guilt around people from my past. they are great, the gulit is in my own head.



yes, the gulit is there but it is a useless emotion so i just have to ignore it because there is nothing i can do about what happened. i love him more than i will ever love another man (which ironically adds gulit on a different level with the new guy) and that place in my heart is forever taken. as time goes on, this becomes a thought which makes me smile instead of cry.

Trish - posted on 01/28/2009

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Hi ladies. Boy, we soune like a strong bunch of gals, & we have to be for what we have been through. I lost Ken 9-17-07, 3 days after my 43 birthday. My mom was in a panic that he would pass on my birthday. She spent that whole day holding & stroking his hand asking if he knew it was my birthday. He had a 3 yr battle with cancer which the dr told me afterwards that average life expectancy for this type was 6 months. We had custody of his daughters from his first marriage. The older had moved back with her mom about 10 months earlier, and had not talked to him since. The younger was on a week of visitation with mom when Ken went to the local hospice house, so mom kept her. Needless to say, my son was really devastated with the multiple losses . He is now 6 1/2 & we are doing ok. I have friends who have told me it is long enough, & I should start dating. They mean well, but I will they would butt out. I have plenty of friends who are guys, some happily married, but have stepped up to help with my son. Right after Ken passed, Peter began sleeping in my bed, on Ken's side. I worked for a while to get him back into his bed, but during this past summer he came back & stayed. It comforts me to have this little guy to snuggle with. I did move him back to his bed at Christmas, thanks to a special nightlight my mom gave him (shines stars & moon on ceiling), but he still wanders in my room in the middle of the night. I just started packing up Ken's dressar last week, giving the jeans to a friend of Peter's whose dad wears the same size. Peter was ok with the pants going, but did not want anything to be thrown out. I showed him the box I was putting dad's clothes in & he was ok with this. Some day he may be able to wear some. On the nights warm enough, he wears "daddy shirts" to sleep in. My mom-in-law seems to expect that I will not marry again, but dad-in-law all but told me it was ok if I wanted to date at some time. I guess I will know when or if the time comes. Right now, I just enjoy the company of my little guy, & those big guys who help out.

Holly - posted on 01/27/2009

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I lost my fiance on 4-21-08, when our twin girls were 5 1/2 months old.  While I get lonely, and wish I had help with my kids, I still feel Eric around in everything I do and cannot imagine being with anyone else. I am sure in time that will change, but I am nowhere near ready to look for someone else. I have pictures of him in every room of the house, I wear some of his sweatshirts and keep his coat hanging in the closet. I have odds and ends that were his just laying around the house.



About the dreams--I had several in the weeks after his death. So did his family and a good friend of ours. In mine, sometimes he was alive, sometimes he was dead, and one was really good where we were sitting in an old car laughing about something. I made mix cds of songs that I knew he loved, and any song I heard on the radio that made me think of him I downloaded. That helped me, but in a way, it makes me sad. I, too, feel guilty when I think about moving on. But at the same time, I'm just not ready, and I don't think i ever will be. He was my soulmate, and I am content with it just being me, my girls, and the memory of him. Bringing someone else into our lives would just be confusing for me. And I want my kids to know where they came from, not think someone else is their dad.

Tammie - posted on 01/25/2009

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Ami,



I don't think my father in law would be thrilled either.  We lost my mother in law just a year prior to my husband's passing, and he said he's not interested in dating, and assumes I'm not either.  I'm sure in thier minds we'd be cheating.  They are just protecting their "baby."  Perhaps they are worried that they will not see your little girl if you get remarried. These feelings will probably ease with time - I hope so anyway. :)



I think you're right about wanting a father for your daughter.  Even if nothing permanent happens with this new man, it might be nice just to have someone to spend time with.



Questions, just keep them honest, short and sweet.  Kids are much more capable of dealing with reality than we often give them credit for.  Take care and stay warm! :)

Ami - posted on 01/24/2009

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I lost my husband to cardiac arrest June 2, 2006.  He was 40 and I was 28.  Our daughter was just shy of 4 months.



I don't know how I would've dealt with having older kids.  At least with her being so young there was no explaining at that time.  I'm a little worried about how to deal with the questions when they do come though.  Any ideas?



I didn't have the problem of keeping his things out.  We were renting and as soon as he passed away I knew I wouldn't be able to stay there.  I gave my notice as soon as I got home from the hospital.  My sister-in-law helped pack up his stuff to donate it to a needy family.  I did keep a few things that I couldn't bear to part with, but most of it is gone.



My in-laws were far from happy to hear about me starting to date again.  They all thought they should have an input on when they thought it was the right time.  To this day there are both strained relationships between them and I, and nonexistent relationships.  I just recently met someone who is a widow himself.  It is so nice to talk to someone who understands and has kids themselves.  I'm looking forward to the day when I'm happy again.  I truly believe that my husband doesn't want me to sit around lonely for the rest of my life, thinking about him.  And I think our daughter deserves a father figure in her life.



I'm in Windsor, in Canada.  Just across the river from Detroit.

[deleted account]

Tammy

I'm from Massachusetts (southeastern). The children and I attended "The South Shore Circle" a support group for children who've lost a loved one and their loving parent... so says the brochures... anyway it met twice a month. They had pizza and salad for dinner and then broke into groups 2 children's groups (kids 5-8 and 9-12) and a parental group. It was easy to fit into a sense of routine back then.

I belong to an offshoot support group that is online. We met through griefnet.org and began emailing after leaving the online support area. They have seen me through a lot.

Tammie - posted on 01/24/2009

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If you all don't mind - where does everyone live (generally).  I'm in California.  Maybe we could find resources for one another by location.  No pressure, just a thought.  I'm glad this forum is available without having to go to a "meeting."  I'm not opposed to support groups, just don't know how I would fit it into my life.  Take care ladies!

Angie - posted on 01/24/2009

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I have had several dreams of Jason. The last one came on December 12. That was our 10 yr. It was a crazy dream. He was all happy and laughing. He gave me a long hug and said everything is going to be alright. It was weird. He gave me the hug at the same place where I told him I was preganant with our daughter. He told me the same thing at that time. I am going to see Sylvia Brown on Feb. 21 and hope she can help me with that dream. I love to have dreams where he comes to visit. They remind me of the song "I'm already there" by Lonestar. It is the one with the family of military members saying things. One lady says "I have a dream, and I'm so excited to tell him, and I wake up and he's not there."

Marti - posted on 01/24/2009

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After my hubby passed on March 27, 08 ~ I did have a couple of dreams of Gus maybe like 3-4. He was always trying to take me somewhere or **without speaking** communicate for me to go somewhere. Another time, he was trying to get imtimate with me! But anyways, 6months later I had his ashes layed to rest. Just after that event, he came to me in a dream and said 'I'm going to be gone for awhile.' I have no idea where he went but I haven't had a dream with him since then. A psychic and she's a very close friend, said that he took on the task of guiding people to the afterlife....makes sense because he was always trying to help others.

[deleted account]

In the early years of grief, I dreamed of Tom all the time. Some of them he wouldn't speak to me but I felt like he was disappointed in something I was doing (usually dealt with finances) I believe those were my own fears about how I was going to survive, keep the house etc. There were also the 'he's back' dreams where I'd dream it was all a rouse and that he really hadn't died.

Later as months and years started to go by, I'd have what I call the "visit" dreams. In these dreams I could feel him, hear him, smell him etc. In some he'd sing to me or recite prose to me...these I'd wake with and would have to write them down or they'd 'loop' in my head until I did. I add these to my own writing of poetry.

A few times I woke and swear the place where he'd been sitting on the bed was warm.

They are far and few but I relish these dreams of him still.

Tammie - posted on 01/23/2009

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Lisa, thanks for the input.  Knowing that this is a process and it takes time is comforting.  I can't imagine being widowed with small children.  You are stressed mentally and physically.  With mine being older, things are easier to explain or discuss.  They can handle their own physical needs, etc.



I would like to bring up another topic: dreams.  I've always heard that people "see" their loved ones, dream about them, etc.  I have only had 3 or 4 dreams in 21/2 years.  I loved the seeing my husband and talking with him.  I would wake up a little sad, but in a great mood because it seemed like we had spent time together.  Any thoughts ladies?

[deleted account]

I was widowed 1/21/02...yep, 7 yrs yesterday. Yes, everyone is different. It took me 4 yrs to clean out the closet and another 2 to fully let his coats go off the hooks at the back door. I have 3 children, now in their teens. There were a lot of tears each time I cleaned something out and either packed it away or donated it. They were very healing tears though.

While I would love to be dating and have a special someone in my life right now, it hasn't worked out that way.

The few dates I've been on in the years have felt like I was cheating. I guess I wasn't ready back then.

I think for the most part, you may get some who'll judge but you have to make the decision to ignore them and do what is right for you.

Teri - posted on 01/21/2009

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I too have taken to my husbands side of the bed, I have a sweatshirt of his tucked under my pillow and find myself frequently hugging it. I sleep in his clothes. Just things I now do that I guess just make me feel closer to him. I will sometimes just quickly open his cologne and smell it, won''t keep the lid of too long because I dont want it to evaporate away. His uniform is still hung on the dresser stand, and I just dust it, cannot seem to put it away, and sometimes I just fall into our closet and hug is clothes and cry for him, because it is all I have left of him. I don't know when I will be ready to move on, it all seems so scary though. Maybe just continue the safety of my family and friends, it will be ok I know he is waiting for me.



Teri

"I'll cry, or maybe I'll stop someday, or just run out of tears."

Tammie - posted on 01/15/2009

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Ladies, I think it is very interesting that many of us have taken over our spouses side of the bed.  I believe it has to do with not seeing it as empty and the reality that we are  the protectors of our families now. 



The dating thing - ugh.  I might be semi ready, but I'm overweight and over 40 - not exactly date bait in south orange county, CA.  I'm feeling a little like the dorky kid at school with the nice personality. Good luck to those of you who are brave enough to venture out.  Stay strong!

Pati - posted on 01/15/2009

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My Ex passed 12/1/05, and I brought home what few things they let us take.  they are still around. His jacket hangs on the front door of my daughters closet, she has some of his clothes and she wears his sweats. I have his sun glasses and his sandels that he lived in on a stand, and his pictures are still up. She has a lot of pictures she keeps loose on her nightstand and looks at them all the time.  Even though I know we were divoriced, I think somewhere in the back of mind I thought we would get back together and I cant let go. 



Im wondering if that will change when she goes to college, maybe when we are packing up her things we can put his away too and move on a bit further. I have tried to date, but she has always been so against it and I dont want a new father for her, no one can ever replace her dad, but a man to share things with would be nice but how can you compete with a dead ex husband...I truly adored my ex, and I did not leave him for anyone else, I left him due to his drug abuse and verbal abuse.   I finally gave up trying to meet someone and figure when it happens it will be right.  I am thinking that the RIP sign I had made for the back window of my car is going to go this year, its is still in perfect condition but the constant reminder is getting the best of me.

Sasha - posted on 01/14/2009

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I think moving on is difficult to do whether we're talking about dating, packing away clothes or just changing some part of life that we had with our spouse. I also find it really interesting about where we're all sleeping now. I hadn't even thought of it but I too sleep on his side of the bed now...

Ashley - posted on 01/11/2009

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I lost my husband on October 23, 2007 in a horrible work accident. Our son had just turned 4 months old, now he is 18 months. Just like you I still have his work boots and the clothes he wore the day before he was killed just as he had left them.  I haven't removed any of his clothes from our closet, and I sleep on his side of the bed (when I sleep on "my" side I find myself still reaching for him) I haven't even began the whole dating thing, and I honestly do feel guilty when I think about it. My husband was my soul mate, and to me he was absolutely perfect...when I think about dating I find myself comparing every guy to him....they are no match!! So I guess I don't have any advice for you on dating again....but I'am feeling the same emotions you are!! 

Alicja - posted on 01/09/2009

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I lost my husband in a car accident at seven weeks pregnant on June 2, 2005. I'm currently in a relationship and actually have been since about a few months before my daughter was born in Dec. 2005. I know that's quick but we coudn't help the timing ! My boyfriend has also lost his fiance a few years back so we had that bond. We moved in together in Jan. 2006 because I needed to be closer to my family with a newborn and I just coudn't imagine doing it by myself or living in my husband and my condo with a new man. I am in awe and applaud those of you who raise your kids as widowed moms. It must be the hardest thing to do.



So of course we got a lot of people propably thinking that we moved too fast but I like how Marti posted that "I am a young widow and my hubby would not want me to be alone". That's what kept me going althogh my late husband's family still does not accept my boyfriend but I think they may finally be coming around...hopefully. We're actually expecting a baby in April and life seems to "normalizing". I still think of my husband every single day, especially when I look at our daughter and I still feel guilty for being with another man now but life's getting better and it's true what they say...time will heal...but definitely I will not forget. It's just hard not to compare the two men sometimes and wish so much that my husband was still here...

Marti - posted on 01/09/2009

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Hi All! Just wanted to say how sorry I am that we need to greive the loss of our spouse....My hubby lost his battle to cancer March27, 2008 I have three kids ages 6 (boy) 4 (girl) 3 (boy)....

You all have made some extremely insightful comments ineach of your posts.....'when the time is right you'll know' ~ how very true. I've have started just chatting with another man. And it makes me feel good. The caring someone can give...the inside jokes...small stares....and other things too. And I know that it's okay since I am a young widow and my hubby would not want me to be alone. A major thing that I have realized is that I'm ready to date again because I do not compare my hubby to the new person.

I've pulled many a hairs out from frustration about certain topices that relate - what will his family/my family/others think about me dating again since it hasn't even been a year.....how will my kids react.....am I ready.....

We are strong widdas! We can handle anything ~ tammy made a great comment ' with God's help, your life is up to you' and 'you can do things now that you were afraid to do before' That is so true ~ just look for the signs from you late hubby and see what love he is sending you and your family from the other side.

Tammie - posted on 01/03/2009

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I almost logged off, and then I read this post. I lost my hubby on Sept. 6, 2006. I've cleared out the dresser - in fact I bought a whole new bedroom set. That helped. I moved to his side of the bed immediately - it felt safer, like I was more in control. I sleep with the t.v. on almost every night. I can't handle the extreme quiet, the kids like hearing the noise down the hall, too. I gave away some clothes, but there are plenty still in the closet. I don't want to get rid of things that might be sentimental to the kids. My kids are 14 and 17 and their dad was their hero. That's the part that is hard - how do I fill that void. My son really needs his dad. I wish I had something with cologne on it - my son wears his dad's cologne occasionally. Try to embrace the new independence, not revel in it, just embrace the power that it gives you. With God's help, your life is up to you. Maybe you can do things now that you were afraid to do before. Take care and God Bless.

Angie - posted on 12/30/2008

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Sorry for your loss also. I do feel like people will judge me. I live in the same small town where I grew up, so most everyone knows me. I know that I am not ready for a serious relationship, but I would like to feel comfortable going out as a single person. I also have my hard times. That will take a while. I think that some of the hard times come because there is no one there like my husband. Someone to share things with, ask how my day was, or just give me a hug. I do feel like I am ready to pack up his things. Seeing them around the house does not make it easier for me. I have 4 kids, ages 12, 10, 6, and 2, I have talked with the three oldest and they say it is ok with them. I think we have realized that having his stuff all over the house will not bring him back. I am going to keep all of his things for the kids. I am sure they will not use any of his clothes, but they will be there if they want them. I can relate on the bed thing. I do sleep in our bed, but now I sleep on his side and not mine. I took his pillow off of the bed and put it away. It still smells like him. Do you think you will sleep in the bed again? I'm sure it will be hard for you if you decide to start sleeping in it again. If I ever do find anyone else I will definately buy a new one. Does that sound weird? Anyway, thank you for point of view. I know that everyone is different, but it makes me feel better if I know how others have handled this part. I don't know, is it still part of the grieving process? I don't even think it is a process so much. People like us will grieve everyday for the rest of our lives. There is no getting through it, you just deal with it day by day.

Kristi - posted on 12/30/2008

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Hi sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my husband July 17, 2007 and I am going through the same thing. All his stuff is still in the closet and I actually I haven't slept in my bed since it happened but I know what your feeling. I am afraid to move on because I am afraid people are gonna judge me. I am not sure if I am actually ready for a relationship or if the guilt is holding me back. I am still having a hard time with it at times so maybe I'm just not ready. I think when the time is right you'll know.

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