Dead Beat Dads!!

Maile - posted on 10/08/2009 ( 37 moms have responded )

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So its his pay day and he always seems to pick a fight with me the day before so he doesnt have to give me any money.. This time he has gotten very evil with the name calling and how my 13 month old likes him so much better then myself and her sisters.. In her whole 13 months of life he has been around for a 3rd of it, he cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant and has a very guilty conscious, so now im the slut and blah blah blah although in the 3years he and I were together I was only with one person one time after another one of his disappearing acts after he had been gone for months. He says I should just let him take her or he is going to tell the authorities that I am unfit. although he is a grown man and lives with his mother and collects $119 dollars a week from unemployment. of which I have to beg and plead to get a dollar between my pay checks for diapers. I work very hard every day to keep a roof over my kids head. I pick them up from daycare every night, take them home, do home work, cook dinner, love on all 4 of them, take baths put them to bed and do it again every morning at 6 am.. He is a good manipulator and a liar and I fear that he could start something that he cant finish.. How do I protect myself and my kids from a man like this.. What do I do??

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Kathleen - posted on 10/08/2009

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I had to write a letter stating that the birth father (b/c I do not consider him a real dad) could not pick him up or anything. I made sure the staff knew the letter was in the file and if I changed babysitters [now my son is in school] I just write another note to have on file. Document everything! Keep track of the date, time, in person or on the phone, and list everything to the best of your ability as to what was said or done. My son is 6 and the last interactions we have had with his birth father was when my son was less than a year old and I documented them all. Consult with a lawyer to see what can be done (guardianship, etc.) Good luck!

Linda - posted on 10/09/2009

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Have you ever heard the expression " no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. So first of all give him some responsibility as far as care of the kids. Then stop counting his support for expenses. Treat any money he gives you as extra. When the pressure is off things will settle down. Arguing and fighting is non-productive.

Lisa - posted on 10/09/2009

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First you need to take yourself down to the child support office and file! My daughter is 5 and her sperm donor (that's what I like to call him) has never seen her. If there is no court order out there for visitation then you change your number and STOP talking to him. There is no reason for you to have any contact with him at all. He can threaten you with CPS all he wants. They do not like to take away the children unless you are very unfit. If you do drugs and are neglectful then you have to worry. I think you're just fine. Get yourself down to that office that is your first step. They will offer you great advice too.

Stephanie - posted on 10/09/2009

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Start documenting everything he says and does and take him to court. He is the unfit parent not you. The judge will see that plus you have your other kids and they will see that also.

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Jaime - posted on 11/30/2009

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GIRL PLEASE THESE MEN ALWAYS SAY THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE OUR KIDS FOM US AND IN OUR MINDS WE GET SCARED AND SAY ELL WHAT IF HE CAN REALLY TAKE MY CHILDREN, HE DONT REALLY WANT THEMI WOULD PUT HIM ON CHILD SUPPORT.I HAD TO DO THAT WITH MY DAUGHTER FATHER AND SHE IS 16.MY MISTAKE WAS TAKING HIM OFF SO THAT HE COULD SO CALLED GET BACK ON HIS FEET IN TH MEAN TIME HE HAD 3 MORE BABIES AND HE WAS OK BUT NOW HE PAYS

Katelyn - posted on 11/19/2009

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I am currently in a custody battle myself. I know what you are going through!

Jaime - posted on 11/16/2009

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thy always threaten tomake you feellikeyou are doing something wrong ,but if you know you are doing the best you can and are working totake care of the kids live you life and out his ass on some child support.i had to mak my daughter father take care of her by putting him back on chlidsupport so do what you have to and if it means fight fire with fire do it.men always have a way of making us feel threatened when they say they ar going to take our kids or tell some thing, so necxt time tell him to bring and see what he will do,guaranteed he wont do too much but blowit out his ass

[deleted account]

i would stop having kids, its harsh but its also the truth and also i know it would be hard financially but i would get a legal consult. you need to go to a legal speacialist and ask for a one time consult and go from their. get away from him, seriously you sound like a smart girl but you dont seem to want to get away from the situation. if it was so bad for you then you would do something about it. i know that physiological warfare sucks but you need to break away from it. it will be hard and very inconvenient. if he really is this unemployed lives with mom and dad kinda of guy then trust me you will get custody. best of luck to you and your kids.

Lyn - posted on 11/06/2009

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We all seem to have went through this! haha. Although I cant relate to yourself as my son is only 4 I know what your going through with the rest. All you have to remember is one day your children will realise how much you have done for them, how hard it has been and how much you love them. When this day comes they will truly respect you for everything and see him for the rat he really is. I dont talk bad about his "dad" infront of him as he will be able to see it for himself when he is older if he decides to meet him. My best advise would be to contact a lawyer as I did to find out what rights he has to the children (which is none if they dont pay child support in Britain). And as for your older children, if they want to be treated like adults why dont you sit down and explain to them how hard you work, how much you love them and what you want them to achieve with their lives, your hopes, fears and aspirations and hopefully they might realise how you are only human and doing your best by them (dont bad talk their dad at this time because it will only make them defensive and you want them to listen). At the end of the day your doing you upmost for your children and there is nothing else you can possibly give. Just keep your head down and carry on, ignore him and he will get bored, he is obv just trying to get you to bite. Mothers are the strongest people in the world, we create life, we raise the life and we will protect it with every ounce of strength we have. Im here if you want to talk x

Maile - posted on 11/06/2009

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As always you moms are great!! Thank you every one for all your support and encouragment.. Good day to all!!!

[deleted account]

Quoting Samantha:

Wow I am not sure what state everyone lives in, but my son is 5 years old and his dad isnt a great guy. He has about $10,000 in back child support ($201 a month), they labeled him as a "dead beat dad" and suspended his license.. He gets pulled over about 4 times a month and all they do is tow his car and give him a fine or his wife bails him out. Everytime child support catches up to him (because I find out where he works) he quits. Technically he is suppose to be paying me $430 a month in child supposrt but i was nice enough not to do that to him.. But every state is different and obviously this one doesnt give a sh*t if the daddies pay for bringing a helpless child into this world.. I work my buns off and seems like I never have enough. But I love my kids and its no big deal that he doesnt see his son, just cause i know how precious my baby boy is and shouldnt be ruined by a no good low life..



Hi Samantha,  I don't think it has to do with the state we live in I think it has to do with the system we have to deal with.  Unfortunately, for many women the dead beat dad case is real, however so many have lied about it  that the system finally took away our rights as mothers.  I was told by two different attorneys in the state of Florida that even if my husband lived in a crack house he was entitled to see his child no matter what.  As to child support, it's no guarantee you will get it, you can keep after him for the rest of his life but once the child hits 18 what happens? you think they are going to go after him for back pay in child support, when I am sure they are flooded with cases like yours?  In this day and age it's fend for yourself and your kids and hope for the best, sadly enough.  Stick to your belief, your son is precious, a precious gift of happiness that should not be ruined by a dad who doesn't care.

Ashley - posted on 10/17/2009

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In my opinion ... you just simply do nothing. let him be the way he wants. Your powerless over what goes on in that mans head no matter how much you want to control it... just do the best you can for your kids and when hes ready he will grow up... so we hope. My daughters father is the same way.

[deleted account]

Does your child's father ever file for income tax? I have a 2 yr old daughter and her "father" is a DBD and back about 5,000 in only about a year, he thought he would be smooth and get paid under the table and have a real job here and there, then he had a nother child back in July of 08 and filed for his taxes and claimed his new son, and turns out he didnt get is refund...I did!!! some how it all works out in the end. ever since then he has been having a steady job. But its different for all of us, but it all catches up at the end. I hope everything works out for you and your family thought. Take care!

Samantha - posted on 10/14/2009

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Wow I am not sure what state everyone lives in, but my son is 5 years old and his dad isnt a great guy. He has about $10,000 in back child support ($201 a month), they labeled him as a "dead beat dad" and suspended his license.. He gets pulled over about 4 times a month and all they do is tow his car and give him a fine or his wife bails him out. Everytime child support catches up to him (because I find out where he works) he quits. Technically he is suppose to be paying me $430 a month in child supposrt but i was nice enough not to do that to him.. But every state is different and obviously this one doesnt give a sh*t if the daddies pay for bringing a helpless child into this world.. I work my buns off and seems like I never have enough. But I love my kids and its no big deal that he doesnt see his son, just cause i know how precious my baby boy is and shouldnt be ruined by a no good low life..

GWEN - posted on 10/13/2009

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You have to protect yourself and shouldn't have to beg for support for your child. Sometimes you have to Make them pay and put him on child support. I wouldn't let him have custody of her. Some men wanna do that to get outta paying support. It would be hard for him to convince any judge to take a child away from her mother. Let him talk because him getting custody is easier said than done. It would be very costly.

Joanna - posted on 10/13/2009

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"homeless, jobless, irresponsible, parolee, cocaine in his system, liar, manipulator, piece of garbage"

Did you have a baby with my ex husband??? LOL.

Seriously though....I don't think he wants custody. Kids are a lot of work....especially little ones....and it doesn't sound like he wants to work. He is trying to anger you. Everything you say about him sounds just like my ex husband. He has threatened to try to get custody......I tell him to go ahead and try and see what happens. He has a police record, a crappy job and he lives with his parents. hahahaha. No court would take a kid away from a good mom and put him in that situation. I am sure you have nothing to worry about.

Kudos on opening a case with child support though! In OH where I live, the child support case gave me custody and I didn't have to file a specific custody case.

Trisha - posted on 10/12/2009

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First of all you should go to attorney general and file child support. Then you should do what you have been doing. Work and support your kids. and most of all Ignored the dam man. Because, he want you to put up a fight so he can feel like he's not at fault. I have been down that rode. and all i did was ignore him and moved on. I filed child support and got a restraining order put on him. And baby girl don't let him come into your house telling you what to do. Because, he lives with mom. he have no rights. I understand that those are his kids. if he want respect he need to be a man and go find a job and help support those kids. Because, he laid down and help have them so he should be a man to help raise them. I no i sound mean but, that is what's going to wake him up. And do let him see them. When a man can't see his kids he goes crazy. Because, he no that is what he made. And he don't want any other man come and help raise them. Or you can go to the welfare office and file for food stamp and for those checks to help you out. Girl please don't let a man hold you back from doing the right thing for your kids. There's other fish in the sea.

[deleted account]

Having to work and deal with four kids all by yourself is stressful enough, why are you so worried about him not giving you any money? if he is getting $119 from unemployment how much of that would go to you for your kids $25? it's not worth it. If I were you I would start analysing what triggers you to yell at your older kids when they don't listen. I understand it's very frustrating and tiring to repeat yourself but perhaps talking to them and pointing out that you are alone with them, caring for them and doing everything for them they may take that into consideration and turn around and start helping you instead of driving you nuts. You should also give them chores that they can help you with. I totally understand your anger about being cheated on etc...but maybe you are taking that out on the kids without even realizing it. Take a step back, a deep breath and think before you act. As to a custody battle, there is no chance in HELL that he will get the baby he would need so much substantial evidence that you are an unfit mother to be able to get that plus the battle would be so costly for him. I highly doubt he would go thru with that especially since he can't even afford it. Use your thinking for the important things like your kids, yourself and your future with them - this man is not worth another second of your time or your brain cells! best of luck

K. Erin - posted on 10/12/2009

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I am sooo sorry when I hear of cases like this, just hang in there and try to be emotionally ready for the crap he's gonna try to spew in court. Be there for your kids and keep your head up, they hate to know that you've grown and they are still sponging off of their mothers. best of luck to ya hun!

Cathy - posted on 10/11/2009

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Arrgh! I have the same issue. My ex-husband and I have been to court 5 times in the last year and a half for a show-cause hearing. He keeps quitting jobs and if he doesnt quit, he is fired! Then for some reason the court seems to give him breaks. Hang in there, he won't be able to do anything to take your kids. If he tries, you will both have to get a psych eval, along with the kids, probably drug testing and tons and tons of interviews. It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. It's hard to work full time to take care of your own children when the deadbeat doesn't feel as if he needs to pay. Trust me, you are doing a fine job and judging by your pic you love your kids more than you can say.

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2009

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You just may need to have a battle out. It sucks but like me Iv had to just to decide that enough is enough let them spend their money on lawers. Chances are they will probably give up when they see your not afraid anymore. NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS

Lynette - posted on 10/11/2009

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I have a dead other parent whom live with their mom as well but I continue to provide for my sons reguardless of what willing to give them, I look at like this these two Individuals are more important then the other parent if he does not help provide them it is his lost because he has not grown up as of yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Olga - posted on 10/10/2009

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Hi... as many have said put him on child support. I know its hard but that is the best thing for you. I have dealt with the same thing. After my baby daddy and I broke up he promise to be there. blah blah blah.. and not all but a lot of men change and arent there. I kept letthing him take advantage.. and he didnt really come around or help. after 2 yrs I finally placed him on child support. I have learned not to count on his $$.. I rely on my own to support my daughter and myself. If and when I do get anything I use that for extra .. taking my daughter lets say disneyland or savings. You have to be the tough one and stop beliving his lies. You already said "every time he is about to get paid he picks a fight so he doesnt have to give you money" and its not paying you.. its called helping out.. that is why its called "child support". You need to put your foot down. and try not to give into his fighting.. its not healthly for the kids to see you two fight. just try to be the adult. he can try to take you to court ..but seriously without a job only getting $100 something a week from unemployment.. he wont win.. they always favor the mom. And to me if he really wanted to be there..by saying he is going to take you to court... is only saying that to scare you... so you wont try taking the kids away or putthing him on child support etc.. trust me .. if a man really wanted to be there and see his kids.. there wouldnt have to be any court orders.

Misty - posted on 10/10/2009

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sorry to hear this....turn of the tables we are going through the same thing with a deadbeat mom who is $5000 behind in CS and pregnant again. Can't even support her first two that my fiancee has sole custody of.....

Aisha - posted on 10/10/2009

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Quoting Maile:

Dead Beat Dads!!

So its his pay day and he always seems to pick a fight with me the day before so he doesnt have to give me any money.. This time he has gotten very evil with the name calling and how my 13 month old likes him so much better then myself and her sisters.. In her whole 13 months of life he has been around for a 3rd of it, he cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant and has a very guilty conscious, so now im the slut and blah blah blah although in the 3years he and I were together I was only with one person one time after another one of his disappearing acts after he had been gone for months. He says I should just let him take her or he is going to tell the authorities that I am unfit. although he is a grown man and lives with his mother and collects $119 dollars a week from unemployment. of which I have to beg and plead to get a dollar between my pay checks for diapers. I work very hard every day to keep a roof over my kids head. I pick them up from daycare every night, take them home, do home work, cook dinner, love on all 4 of them, take baths put them to bed and do it again every morning at 6 am.. He is a good manipulator and a liar and I fear that he could start something that he cant finish.. How do I protect myself and my kids from a man like this.. What do I do??


Been there, done that, never want to go back. Like madea says you could do bad all by yourself!
and another favorite song of mines is i rather be alone than being unhappy. You need to listen to the words of that song boo.  This man will only bring u down girl. You either live with it or pack u and ur kids bundles and leave him. He aint worth it.....

Dusty - posted on 10/09/2009

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well from personal experience i agree that almost all custody cases the judge will NOT take your kids away from you. It is really hard to prove a mother unfit even if they are (i am not saying that you are) and with a court ordered visitation schedule or whatever in order if he does not bring the kids back he will be thrown in jail most often on the first offense. an as for picking them up at day care, you can tell the day care provider and give them a list of people allowed to pick the kids up. they will not be able to actually stop him from taking them out the door but they can tell him that he is not allowed which will most of the time stop him from taking them.



i hope any of this helps and it is all from personal experience. good luck and keep doing what you are doing, you are doing something right.

Tesha - posted on 10/09/2009

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wow that sucks for you and your child that you have with this jerkoff! I know the feeling. I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old with my ex husband and he never pays child support. His reasoning.. he pays the same bills as I do, so why does he have to give me money. Now these same bills.. rent and electric and phone. The groceries that he buys.. some of them the girls cant even eat because its for him. I buy everything. All the school clothes, EVERYTHING! he is such a douche bag so I totally know how you feel. I am so flustered with my ex that I would like to just kick his you know what and knock some sense into him! such a jerk!

Leslie - posted on 10/08/2009

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Laws vary from state to state. I live in TN and have 2 children by a no good for nothin excuse for a man. My daughter is 10 soon to be 11 and my son is 9 soon to be 10. I was with thier dad off and on from the time that I was 13 from 19. I never cheated, al though that is all he ever done!! I did hook up with some one else during one of our break ups and got knocked up with my oldest son who is now 13. Me and Kenneth got back together when I was pregnante with Kalub. He done everything in the world for that boy. But in the processes he had me believeing that I would never find anyone else cuz no man was goin to step up and take care of another mans baby. Plus I gained ALOT of weight from my 1st son so he played that one also. I feed into everything he said. Well years and 2 kids later i woke up. Kenneth tried all that talk with me and I fianlly told him, For 1 you have to prove me a unfit mother to take my kids away which here in the state of TN is very hard to do and for 2 I would KILL him if it came down to it. I have fought this man in court since our son was 3 months old. He only pays 121 a week on two kids, when he pays it. He is now over 30,000 dollars behind. I am now married to a great man that took my 3 kids in like his own. But I got to the point to where no matter how much cussing and yellin I did with him my kids still had to be takin care of. So I woke and said I am so much better than he is. I never speak a bad word bout him to my kids, they will grow up and see him for who he is. He gets them 1 time a year and that is Christmas Eve he picks them up at 7 am and brings them back at 1 pm. I have it on all school papers and daycare papers that he is not allowed to pick them up at all. Like I said before state from state is different, because here we have to give court papers in order for them not to allow him to get them. One thing you need to relise is he can talk al he wants because all he is doin is ting to get some kind of reaction from you. So when you get pissed and start cussing him he has done what he wanted to do. If he really wanted to take your kids he would have already tied, but he knows he does not stand a chance a hell. If I was you what I would do is this... I would not even talk to him unless I HAD to. When I called him to ask him for money for his kids and he said no, I would tell him thats fine don't worry bout it I will make sure they get what they need you dont have to worry bout me asking for nothing else. No matter how mad he gets at you do not let him know it. I mean lets face facts here.... The non custodial parent gets off so easy!!! They can pay when they want to, they do not have to come out of their pockets for anything extra. Not to mention most the times what ever they pay really dont even cover half of what it cost to raise a child. Birthdays come every year Christmas comes every year, Easter, and everything they need dont stop just because they sorry ass parent dont want to do it. However if you did not do for them you would go to jail for child neglate. When in all reailty is that not what the other parent is doin? You have to wake up and see what a strong woman you are and with the Good Lord in your corner and your kids to protect you are a unstoppable force. Once you get to the point that his threats are nothing and he can not touch you a power will come over you and a nice calm feeling. And he will see that you are not a woamn to be reckon with. Now I am not goin to lie it is a hard trying battle but if you really put your mind to it you can do it. Like the other one said doucamant everything!! Which means he could be doin the same so watch your tounge dont slip up. I am tellin you most men like that will stop trying to fight you once the see they have no chance. Just be there for your kids try not to voice your bad thoughts onto them cuz kids are so much smater than what we give them credit for they will see what he really is and make thier own choice. Sorry so long of a post I hope it helps.

Maile - posted on 10/08/2009

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Thank you.. I think I was venting along with looking for some sound advice.. I really appreciate the support. I am glad I joined this circle.. I need something like this.. Thanks alot Kathleen and please do keep me posted.. Most of all good luck to you!

Kathleen - posted on 10/08/2009

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I am currently going through some drama @ the courthouse right now w/ a guy who sounds JUST LIKE yours. I can keep you posted on how things are going. He is also unemployed (almost always) and a drug user and a piece of crap overall. You will be fine and please vent if you need to!!

Maile - posted on 10/08/2009

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Thanks you guys.. I do feel alot better now.. I chatted with my dad for a while and after all his funny remarks of what a dead beat and a bum and a looser he is, I realized that I have nothing to worry about.. I did take every ones advice.. I called the day care and gave them a heads up.. I called the child support division in my area and opened a case, I also found out that its only $5 to pick up the custody papers and ill be picking them up Monday morning.. However.. How can a homeless, jobless, irresponsible, parolee, cocaine in his system, liar, manipulator, piece of garbage.. (this feels good) sorry excuse of a man, ever even think, he could take one of my babies.. I live and would die for my kids and he is certainly messin with the wrong mama!! Thanks ladies.. I knew I could count on you..

Desiree - posted on 10/08/2009

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Just try not to yell as much. just in case someone comes by. he can say that you do it but unless someone else complains about it they shouldn't care

Maile - posted on 10/08/2009

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What about yelling? Thats the only thing he can say about me is I yell at the older ones.. (they dont listen) is yelling abuse? I dont hit them, but I do yell... loud!

Venessa - posted on 10/08/2009

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you canmake it with the daycare that he is not aloud to pick her up. He can make acqusations all day long as long as you are working and doing all that you can they will not find you unfit. He doen't have a job or a place to live the courts will not give him custody. Also you might want to take him to court to get child support or go to the childen and family's office to file for child support from the state and let them go after him for the money.

Maile - posted on 10/08/2009

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I just talked to someone in the family law office at the court house.. They said if he was to pick her up from daycare I would have to start a custody battle and would not get her back until the judge makes him.. I would go nuts without my baby, even if it was for one night.. I work every day from 8 to 5 Monday threw Friday, I would leave now but I am the only one in the office.... This is about to get ugly..

Desiree - posted on 10/08/2009

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with most custody cases they tend to give to the mother before the father especailly one that is not working.

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