How can I encourage my husband to start helping with bath and bedtime?

User - posted on 06/05/2012

You for one should not be thinking of it as Helping you, its his responsibility as well. It really bothers me when I hear about men taking a seat and making the little woman do it all.
Have you tried telling him how burnt out you are and that having him do something would benefit the both of you? If that doesn't work, then I would go with counseling. Raising a child is a partnership, its not a one person job unless it has to be.

Good Luck!

Rebecca - posted on 06/03/2012

try counseling. Sometimes dads are better when kids are older. In the meantime, it's tough on you. Is he better at certain tasks, something like going to the store or taking your child out? If counseling doesn't help. try reading the Solo Partner by Phil deLuca. take care of yourself as much as you can.Sometimes it is better to do it yourself, or hire someone to help, and quit asking him, but that is not an easy solution.

Leslie - posted on 06/03/2012

I withheld sex because I was "too tired" from having to do EVERYTHING and "magically" he started helping out!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

Ms. Metsa,

First, my name is ShawNN. Not ShawnA. Please try to spell people's names correctly, since they're right in front of you, in print.

Second, I'm not "angry", nor am I "Full of wanting justice". Not sure where you get EITHER of those misguided ideas. I'm tired of people consistently being obtuse, of people ignoring that the world has moved beyond "he's the breadwinner, she's the homemaker, and never the twain shall meet".

If you wish to take offense to that, it's your prerogative, but that's a lot of offense to be taking.

As far as my use of the term bribary: "Bribery is an act of giving money or gift giving that alters the behavior of the recipient". Therefore, telling your partner/spouse/SO that you'll "do something" for them if they will take a turn with baby is just that...bribery.

I'm sorry that you don't seem to like the terms, phrases, and common use of language that most of the rest of the world agrees upon.

Anna - posted on 06/13/2012

Unfortunately, some men just don't get it, no matter how many times you tell them. They act like we're nagging them so it's just easier for me to do things myself too. I work too. In the 2 yrs since I had my son, my husband never once got up to help at night or let me sleep in on the weekends. I look at it as his loss spending extra quality time with my son, my gain.

Samanthaburgess258 - posted on 02/07/2018

First off, How old are the kid (s)? Do you have a nighttime routine? If not that will help tremendously. As for your husband what does he say when you ask for help?

Emma - posted on 11/01/2017

We have a routine of doing our daughters bath on alternative nights. I guess if you got your husband into the same routine of helping out

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

Who is Shannon? Were you addressing me? If so, my name is most definitely NOT shannon, as I have previously pointed out.

Marriage is very definitely about love, COMMITMENT, and the sharing of responsibilities. No one is disagreeing that point. Except for those who refuse to take their share of the responsibilities, that is...and in that case, bribery will get you nowhere fast.

Discussion...That's an excellent way to communicate about the commitment of marriage, and related responsibilities.

Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

Shannon you are annoying think of how marriage is about love. One aspect of love is friendship. What does friendship mean to each person

Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

Shawna you are so angry so full of wanting justice so full of oh gosh who uses the word slaves and expects any sort of compromise and sharing. Who uses the word bribery and understands friendship

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

"Do something he wants done". That's not 'trading chores', that's offering bribery to your partner to take care of his part of the responsibilities.

A true partnership needs no bribes. Each will contribute their fair share. My husband and I never had to discuss this, it was a given. We each took on responsibilities with the kids. If you feel that your partner will not understand his/her responsibilities, then it is up to the two of you to have a discussion. Its not for you to bribe them to do something. If the two of you cannot have a discussion, there are larger problems than splitting baby duties.

Barbara - posted on 02/09/2015

It is not bribery it is taking turns trading chores sharing being married it is a way to communicate gosh

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/09/2015

DO NOT make yourself a slave to your husband by 'bribing' him.

Each parent should be putting in time with baby, unless physically or mentally unable to do so.

Barbara - posted on 02/06/2015

Do something he wants done . Men keep score differently than we women do they want something in exchange for something so make it a trade. You do something then he does something .

Julie - posted on 06/17/2012

The next time your husband, "expresses concern" simply say this, "If it is THAT important to you then do it yourself. Otherwise, it's not THAT important! This leaves the ball in his court and no one to blame but himself.
Second, don't "ask him to help" Tell him, "You are taking bedtime on blank days, and I will cover the rest." If you have a verbal or even written schedule, the procrastination will be less. If he questions you, remind him of your work load being larger, and his need to pull his own weight. Not to mention spend time with the kids. My husband loves doing bedtime routine because its the only time he can get some nights of the week. This should not need counseling, but I am also not apposed. It can be an alternative to the schedule? He may be more likely to try it your way first :)

User - posted on 06/06/2012

I have a 2 mth old and when I was pregnant my husband didn't even buy 1 thing for the baby i was really starting to get used to doing it all on my own and I worked f/t till my son was 7 days over due the next day I went into labour and after he was born at first I mean for the 1st 6 days he helped not till 2 weeks ago had he ever changed a nappy ,put him to sleep, or even held him for a long period it kills me and I still think every day what will tommrow b like just take it day by day and praise them when they do help my son spent 7 days in the royal children's hospital really sick at first they thought it was a majior heart problem and ever séance then he has changed he helps with lots and always offers to help more but I don't take much many he no's that I won't make him change him it really Jett's that it took so
Something so tragic as we thort we may lose our son for him to show more care/love and they should want to bath there baby at least once in a while the bonding things but in hospital he was great the nerse all told him he was the best dad and he always brings it up and dose things to help and I can tell he feels proud now I really hope this helps hav a talk with him about missing them when there small one day he will wake up and they will b grown these are the days,months,hours that count hav a good chat to him and counseling is a great idea even try find a male one so he hears it from another dad not a women good luck sweety x

Steph - posted on 06/04/2012

im in a similar position with my partner,ive just come to realise he is a dead beat and we are on the verge of seperating after 8 yrs together, he shouts at the kids, doesnt do bedtime,bathtime,play with them etc unless i ask,and im tired of asking as i would do it faster and better myself without complaining from him,im a very strong minded independant woman and ive told him the relationship has reached a dead end,he is no help to me so there fore is no longer required in my life he is just a weight on my shoulders,i feel so much better,my eldest was upset but on hearing that he would still see "dad" every day hes now ok.i wish u the very best with ur problem but i would kick him to the curb personally!

User - posted on 06/04/2012

I agree with trying counseling. We have the same issues here. Except I do everything and we STILL fight! lol We have been to counseling and it has helped. I am also seriously considering a chore chart. I think he needs something visual. I saw a bunch of cute ideas for some on Pinterest. Good luck :)

Meg - posted on 06/04/2012

Hey everyone -- our situations are all unique but I REALLY appreciate all your feedback. I will say that a.) i try my best to use positive encouragement.praise and not judge when he does help and it goes a long way. b.) my husband has his own 'business' which is mostly him sitting in front of the computer all day at home while the kid is in daycare so he has to work a lot more hours than when he had a better paying job with benefits, and c.) you're all correct in that it's best not to blow up.

I just try to be really matter-of-fact and say "could you please do X so we can get to bed on time" and then sometimes he does it and sometimes not. I think it's more of a personality thing with my husband in that he absolutely resists anyone telling him what do do... he says it's because I don't like the way he does things (which I think is mostly a convenient excuse) because I really try not to criticize or judge the way he does something (although i am sure sometimes I still do).

To those of you who are splitting up -- my sincere best wishes for your future happiness. It can't be easy. I am not willing to divorce him over this stuff as I love who he is, the way he is, so I guess I am saying none of this is a deal breaker. I will try more positive reinforcement in all kinds of forms ;)

Amanda - posted on 06/04/2012

For the last year and a half I've made bath time my husbands responsibility. We take turns putting putting our son to bed, (teeth brushed, potty, story time) its worked really well, now instead of just mommy story time we have daddy story time too, and both my son and husband are happy about the bonding time. If something bothers you, address it right away, don't hold it in, you'll end up exploding at your husband.

JERRI - posted on 06/04/2012

Hello

Good point to bring up!

It definitely is a never ending battle and women usually do more of every aspect. I try to make sure he knows the "routine." ......kids bedtime....snack, vitamin, pj's, hair, teeth, face, book, bed.I sort, wash, dry, fold, laundry and leave on bed, he puts it away. I wash dishes he puts away. His bathroom is his responsibility to clean. And I agree with above comments ......dont complain...SAD BUT TRUE! Any toys or things he plays with children he makes sure they are our away.

He does play well with the toddlers so I don't mind so much because sometimes I just don't want to talk, explain, answer one more thing.

Make sure to say I need you to .....will you do "this" for me as part of the daily routine, I need help......instead of blowing up. While all this sounds like a lot I still feel frustration over him not contributing to all the household responsibilities. It is natural. So pick your battles. What can you live with and what is a deal breaker?







Good luck!!!!!

User - posted on 06/04/2012

why don't you have a frank talk,present your view point and ask what he thinks,try to make him understand how tough it is for you,
all the best,love urself and trust in GOD to take u through the tough times

Susan - posted on 06/04/2012

im the same as you right now im the one that goes out to work and my fiance watches other daughters but when i come home nothing is done :( i need to do everything in the house and pay all the bills ok he gets the girls to bed thats about it & watches them when im at work but im meant to be getting married on 31st aug but not sure if i want to marry him or not if he is going to be like this when we are married :(

Marie - posted on 06/04/2012

It took me a super long txt msg 4 me 2 get thru 2 my fiance. He's been absolutely wonderful since. U can try it & c if it works 4 u.

Meghyn - posted on 06/03/2012

I think you should definitely try counseling.. my husband was the same way, only he'd say he'd do it and never actually do it. He never once got up in the middle of the night when our son was an infant or diapers, bath, feeding etc. i talked, asked, begged until i was blue in the face and i told him i resented him and he refused to go to counseling and subsequently we are in the process of a divorce. I couldnt take it anymore. If i was going to be a single mom I was going to do it by myself with out all the frustrations. Do whatever you can to fix it before it gets to the point we're at. I hope you can find a common ground with your husband.

Susan - posted on 06/03/2012

I completely understand where you are coming from. If you keep showing him you can do it all he is never gonna know that you need help. Don't let it get so bad that you blow up - communication really goes a long way. If he easlily approached just ask if y'all could sit and chat (maybe over a glass of wine/ or beer) and just explain to him that you are overwhelmed and you really need some help (trust in the strength of your relationship - he can't read your mind). Make a list of chores and pick and choose which you would like him to do and which you can do. Don't EVER complain about the way he does things - the goal is getting it done not who is better. My husband and I do it together. We have a schedule and it is fun and we both get to have quality time not stressed out time. We give him a bath about 7:30 - I start the water running and I do the bath, he gets him out of the tub and dresses him. Most of the time I rock him to sleep after reading a few books. Some nights I need a break or to get something done and he will lay him down after a few books. I am currently unemployed so I do the housework and clean up from dinner after the baby is down and he comes in and plays the guitar or his video game. It is hard to make a routine with all of the other days ins and outs, but it is best for you and your husband so you may have quality time together or each doing something different that is relaxing. I wish you well and hopefully your hubby is easy to talk to and things will ease up for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Also to make it easier to talk to him maybe counseling would not be a bad idea.

Amanda - posted on 06/03/2012

I definitely agree with counseling. If he is home with the kids all day, he could be feeling overwhelmed just like us stay at home moms. I know it's frustrating, cause you both probably feel like you more than your fair share. Just learn to recognize each other's feelings and agree to work together.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2012

I'm following this because I'm in the same situation. Ty for asking and Ty for replies.

Tricia - posted on 06/03/2012

Ask really nicely! I know we feel our husbands should just know what to do but they are not mind readers and after years of thinking that way I have learned! lol I notice that when I ask my husband super nicely he does it right away with no problem but if I say it in an annoyed voice he gets annoyed. But my husband is the main provider and I am the stay at home mom so I don't ask him to do much but he does do the dishes, laundry and garbage without being asked so I can't complain there but with the stuff with our son (bath, teeth etc...) I think he automatically thinks it's my job but I don't mind since he does those other things almost daily. But since you are the main provider you need more help...have you sat and told him how you feel? Tried asking super nicely? Counseling can help too but some men won't go without a fight! Good luck :)

Christine - posted on 06/03/2012

Sure is nice to have it come natural, but UNFORTUNATELY it just doesnt for some... Good luck :(
Maybe try saying something like..''The faster I get the kids in bed, maybe I can have time to give you a footrub( the 1 on 1 time w/ you two is FOR YOU BOTH, so)..'' As we know we dont like bribery, but if it works , yeah :).
I let my husband know when he tucks our daughter in ( helping ) ''how it REALLY made her night & thats priceless ".. its all about not so much 'kissing butt', but showing him other ways you appreciate it, with out harsh neg words if he doesnt help.. Its not done often, but i do need to praise him when he does it.

Junw - posted on 06/03/2012

"help" you. It is only "help" if the work is your responsibility.

Ginger - posted on 06/02/2012

reward his good behavior... lol Focusing on what he does right and giving him positive rewards will encourage him to do more of that.

Katherine - posted on 06/01/2012

My ex used to do the same thing until I was SO exhausted I started crying. He then would get home from work and let me sleep for 4 hours. Counseling is a great idea. We did it and it helped until he lost his job and insurance. Anyways we made up a chore chart. And on that chart was who was responsible for what each day. It worked pretty well. Maybe you could try that?