How do you make a relationship with a 35 yr old child that will not let go of the past.

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Paula - posted on 08/02/2009

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Though my experience has been with my 20 yrold daughter, I believe its within herself she has to find peace with the past. As she has grown, I have become to understand one important thing...she's her own person. I won't allow her to continue to keep hurt alive when she is around me and my other children. She is slowly understanding that in order for her to be at peace in the family home, she has to bring her peace with her when she arrives. I make it a point with my 'mom' looks when she tries to bring hurt from the past. The whole family has already spoke openly about the hurt and pain. Everyone/every family has a line, ours has been drawn and she has been told not to cross it here.

Luzita - posted on 08/02/2009

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It is really hard for some children to let go of the past. They think that parents should know better...that they should be "perfect".



Now that I am a mother, I realize that I too will make mistakes which my daughter may remember and which she may come back with in the future to taunt me with. We do our best as parents at the time, with motives that are pure and that have our children's interests at heart. I know that my mother did things that I did (and still do not) like, however I know that she has always had our best interests at heart.

It also helps to have open and honest discussions with our children - to have those open communication channels from a very young age, so that when one fluffs up as a parent, a medium has been established in which one as a parent can explain ones actions.



Even though my daughter is coming up for 5 years of age, I am estabishing those open lines of communication so that there is always room for understanding and forgiveness.



If you haven't done this with your older children, it is never too late to start now...to try and establish open and honest communication. They love you, whether you feel it or not. Reach out to them, be patient, and the healing will start.



All the best.

Lisa - posted on 07/31/2009

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Im am 39 years old and have recently had a daughter, already having 3 grown boys. Until I had my daughter I resented my Mum for the past as she always favourded my brothers child, to all of my children, mine being boys to his Daughter, My mum alwas wanted a girl but when she got it she didnt take advantage of it as one of her boys is gay, he became her main priorty as he would never have what the rest of us had, a family, iy still hurts though, but deep down I no shes only doing what needs to be done, the right thing, I s uspect your child knows this, but just needs a reality check, your the parent, you no everything you do is for them, wether they do or not, be strong and let them come around, they will come we do, just keep doing what u do:))))))))))))

Barbara - posted on 07/31/2009

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Hi Deborah my name is Barbara . I can understand how you feel my daughter is 42 and is the same, Every time we get talking the past comes creeping in .. I dont have a solution to this , the only way i deal with it is to change the subject, like saying oh i ment ask you have you heard from so and so . or ask what size shoes are the children in now .i just try to think of something to get off the subject of the past ..I can feel for you as it is very hard t deal with and i often sit and cry when i put the the phone down . after the chat with my daughter.[she lives abroad]. Regards Barbara Blomquist

Cortnie - posted on 07/31/2009

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The past is never easy to let go of, expecially if it is bad. Have they tried therapy? I know that no one really wants to do therapy, but sometimes it is neccessary. What is it that they can't let go of?

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