How to get my hubby to see things from my point of view?

Mariah - posted on 11/13/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )




So numbers wise this is where we sit: currently spending about $600-$700/month on daycare [includes gas/food/time to pick up & drop off] we only have one car and he can't drive a standard so transportation is all on me. After taxes & deductions he earns about $1200/month if his hours are steady or closer to $800/month if not, I earn $1800/month on salary. I have type 1 diabetes so I need insurance. He is healthy and doesn't like paying for his insurance out of his checks as they are slim as it is. Our daughter is on CHIP so we don't need to worry about her insurance.

He is going through a period of not working due to an injured hand. With no short term disability or worker's comp insurance we took our daughter out of daycare because we just couldn't afford it. He's been doing great with her and seems to be enjoying the role of a SAHD for the most part. I can see the difference in her as she is on a more regular schedule with eating, napping and sleeping. We both felt guilty that someone else was raising our daughter and have been looking for a way to make it work where one of us was at home with her. Also when he finally sat down to look at the numbers we both agreed that it doesn't make sense for us both to be working. I've suggested to him that he should stay home. If he were to stay home I could easily take on more hours to make up the difference in income and we would still qualify for more assistance food stamp wise as we only get WIC right now. I could even go back to school so I could better my chances of finding better employment if the need arises. He wasn't completely adverse to the idea but still wants to return to work at least until the end of the year. In the mean time it's back to taking her to daycare, adding an extra hour to my commute each way.

The thing that has been bugging me is the argument we had over the housework not getting done. He wouldn't do the dishes for several days because "I didn't make those dishes, so why should I clean them?" I feel that if someone is home all day it is their responsibility to keep up with cleaning a few things each day and not letting it go until everything is dirty and unusable. He is of the opinion that everyone should clean up after themselves and he will not lift a finger to clean anything that isn't directly his mess. Now I might leave a bowl or cup out for a day but I am pretty good at getting my dirty dishes to the sink and rinsed. Everyday I come home from work and immediately take over baby minding. Then I clean the kitchen so I can cook & serve dinner, afterwards I bathe our daughter & put her down to bed. So to me it seems reasonable that I would want a break on cleaning up the dinner dishes.

I even asked him at the end of the argument if he would expect me to keep up with the house being clean if it were me at home. He said "Yeah I'd expect it but it probably wouldn't happen. I mean it took you a month to wash a load of my pants." He was basing the first part of his statement off of a time 3 years ago when I was unemployed for 5 months and all I had to look after was the 2 of us. I thought I had done a good job by keeping the house presentable, cooking dinner for him every night, keeping up with the dishes and not letting them pile up, and getting the laundry taken care of with no help from him. What he saw was that there wasn't anything I was doing because he never saw any mess and always came home to me on my computer. I was on the computer because I had finished my chores and was looking for work online or taking a break and playing a video game. The second part of his statement was in regards to the last 5 weeks when he was home and I was expecting him to take care of things like doing laundry, dishes, and general clean up. He thought that all he had to do was mind our daughter until I got home. His attitude towards cleaning also leads to the common rooms getting unreasonably dirty to the point that it ends up being me that cleans them because I can't stand it anymore. Regardless of the fact that it's his dirty laundry all over the place and the dog's hair all over the floor. I made an appeal to him for us to work together as a team to stay on top of keeping the house clean and that I'm willing to help out by doing one of the chores that he absolutely hates [laundry] and cooking or buying dinner after work.

The other major issue that I've seen come up is that I spend my weekends getting up early with our daughter while he sleeps in and I pretty much spend the entire day with our daughter. The last part is the highlight of my day but also hinders me completing all my chores and leaves me with no real social life to speak of. Meanwhile he goes off with his friends to do the things we used to enjoy together but now he never wants to do as a family unit because it's too much of a hassle or he doesn't want to be 'that guy who brings a baby' to [inset restaurant/park/place]. I practically have to twist his arm to get him to do anything just the 3 of us and when he does agree it's because there is something of benefit to him by going.

I want to know if there's any different ways I can approach these issues to get us to a happier medium.


[deleted account]

I think maybe you could analyse his activities for a week, te following week write a schedule for your days and a schedule for approx what occupies his days then compare to how much time each of you have left to do the spare chores etc. If it is visual and he can see the comparisine there and then that might help. Males don't quite get it all the time. good luck


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Becky - posted on 11/23/2010




I have the same thing at home with a twist. The man has been unemployed for over a year now, and yet most days does nothing to help out at home and then complains that the place is a mess. I work 40+ hours a week and go to school. When he does do something around here he talks about it for weeks like I should be Oh So Proud he helped! And whenever we argue about it, he makes it sound like he does virtually everything around here & I do nothing but sit on my ass. It's frustrated me enough to the point I sometimes question if this is the right relationship for me . . . I don't think I can live like this for the rest of my life . . . . . even when he was working he would expect me to do nearly everything because he worked a "hard" job and I sit at a desk all day staring at a computer.

Mariah - posted on 11/17/2010




@Monica: Thank you, that is a good idea. I had presented the idea of using a chore wheel or schedule and he immediately balked at the idea of 'nit picking over every detail'. I'll admit I have a bit of OCD tendencies and messy rooms [especially the kitchen] drive me absolutely bananas. However I do try very hard to let it go as far as what I think a normal person would before saying or doing anything about it.

@Julianna: I know it's only going to get worse from here with the lo getting older and her ever expanding collection of toys. I hope that we can both get to where we want to be with our situations. Being that your kids are at that age I can tell you about one thing my mother did with me & my sister once we got to be about 9 & 7 years old was to make us alternate doing the dishes from the day before dinner was cooked and cleaning up the dinner dishes every night. No exceptions & no complaints. Doing the dishes also included wiping down all counters and sweeping the floor [I think she added that in just to help her out that much more] and I totally respect her for that now. This way the daily dishes that accumulated were washed before dinner was made and then dinner dishes were done before we went to bed. She also made us fold laundry with her and put it away ourselves. As for getting more out of the husband, if I find anything that works on my end I'll be sure to share.

@Tracy: I realize I can't make him see things from my POV; I was just wondering if there was a way to present my POV better in hopes that he would take a moment to stand in my shoes. I have broached the topic on how being a SAHD is a wonderful opportunity and that he would be doing something many dads wished they could do but never got the chance. I told him how in this day and age no one looks down on SAHD's or considers them any less of a man for choosing to be a SAHD. In fact I think it's more admirable and honorable to play such an important role in his child's life than to struggle to earn enough just so someone else can raise her for us or to not be there at all like some men choose to be. He has said that he doesn't see it as emasculating and really does enjoy and cherish the time he has spent with her. His only concern is that I won't be able to earn enough to support the 3 of us.

@Sharon: Thanks, that's also a good idea. I know it sucks that I get to that level of frustration that I go and vent it on a public forum. Although part of me was looking for some feedback and advice. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to see what is right in front of us.

Julianna - posted on 11/16/2010




Sounds like my house. My husband's been a SAHD since our son was two weeks old and that was almost 10 years ago. As I'm the sole provider for the family, I expect him to keep the house clean, dishes done, etc. I do the laundry as he was a truck driver and admits that he always through everything in the same load. I wear uniforms to work, so I can't have them ruined with bad laundry skills. In the almost ten years of this arrangement, all I've gotten is more and more frustrated. He refuses to make lists of what needs to be done that day, blames everything on his ADHD and I can't tell what he does all day while I'm sleeping before work.
The kids are now to an age that they can have added chores to do and still most things don't get done in a timely manner. Dishes aren't done until everything is dirty and then some. Everytime the living room floor gets found by my husband, the kids loose it again in a matter of hours or less. If you find a way to resolve this, let me know, as I've been fighting this fight a long time and am getting no where fast.

Traci - posted on 11/15/2010




I am sorry to hear you are going through this. While I know it is frustrating, you cannot MAKE someone see things from your perspective. It sounds as if he is being unreasonable selfish and you have to decide if this is worth it. If it is, seek counseling - preferably as a couple, but if he refuse, you should go. We cannot change those around us, but we can learn to work together to make a household run.

Perhaps being a SAHD was emasculating to him? There are several meet-up groups in my area that have activities for SAHD's. It might make him feel more like he is contributing if he meets others in the same situation? And also, make sure you are being appreciative of those things he does do to help out - taking care of your daugher for one. It is a tremendous opportunity that not many people in today's economy can afford to take advantage of. And if your daughter is responding well to the schedule, it seems like a win-win situation.

I really hope you guys work this out and can come to a solution quickly and without much more arguing. Best of luck!

[deleted account]

What you do is print this up and make him read it. Being a SAHD is an amazing opportunity for him & your daughter. But he needs to see how frustrating it is for you; to the point where you had to voice your anger and hurt on the internet to a public forum. As a couple, you both have to make of of the following decisions :1) he remais a SAHD and he must assist in day to day chores, 2) He goes back to work and life continues on like it was before

In either scenario, it seems like YOU are th eone to pick up the slack and that is NOT an equal marriage! Good luck to you!

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