I need answers yesterday!

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Ok, this is my thord attempt to write this. I have already done so twice. My husband of 5 years decides to write a 100 page "book" of his thoughts & feelings on life. He told me he never intended for anyone to read it except me. Then in secret 2 days ago, gave his soon to graduate 18 year old son who is about to be 19 that he is his beloved son, he is his life , & he is his everything & he doesn't tell him often enough how much he loves him. He has told me that I Am His life & his everything too. He just said the other day that he can't wait until we have a life alone. His other son that lived with us full time too has moved & is getting one to from what my husband said last night. My daughter moved out less than a year ago. They are all in succession in age. He has 2 other kids as well but his youngest has told me he hated me from the very beginning & still does. He told me last week he didnt care about me or anything having to do with me. He has been awful to me for five years with no repercussions. I feel betrayed by my husband that he told him those things that he has said he only feels about me & tells me sometimes. He isnt good at all in giving compliments nor affirmations; in fact its easier for my husband to tell me whats wrong with me........which is a VERY long list according to him but never says such things to his son. In fact he still coddles him & treats him with kid gloves. I am, I feel naturally & justifiably jealous & not as important. I am for the 1st time thinking of leaving him. He has left me 3 times & I even followed him to his home town, sold my paid off house, & have given him & spent all my money on him & this "family". I just want to cry & die. I dont want another divorce but last night broke the camels back. Please give me some words of wisdom. .Thank you for reading & replying. There is so very much more to the story but it would make this too long.

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Jennifer - posted on 05/20/2014

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Well said & that's what I think & feel. You seem a person who is like me. I was having a terrible day & needed encouragement and help. I AM a very giving & compassionate person almost to a fault. I am honest with my feelings & love deeply. A blended family is a tricky situation & it really matters what time in their children's lives you come in at.....little did I know at the time. All I knew & he knew is we were meant for each other & God placed us together. We did do counseling workbooks & continue to do studies together nightly & pray together all the time. Thank you for your loving response.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/19/2014

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Hmmm...Perhaps, rather than lecturing me for my choice of phrasing, you could be looking into COUNSELING!!!!!

You still don't seem to understand that his kids are IMPORTANT. As they should be. They're as important to him as yours are to you.

Until you understand that, and are willing to meet halfway, you'll always be bitter and jealous of what you perceive to be a problem.

THERE IS NO PROBLEM IN HIM EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS FOR HIS CHILDREN. The thing you're finding wrong with it is his phrasing.

Oh, and don't try the "please feel sorry for me, because my life has been so rough" card...EVERYONE HAS A TOUGH LIFE, SWEETIE. It's all in how you handle things. You seem to be a very high stress unit who would perhaps benefit from some sessions with your pastor, and a family counselor.

It's pointless to say it now, but the ENTIRE FAMILY would have benefitted from counseling BEFORE you decided to blend.

Jizi - posted on 05/16/2014

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Hi
I understand you when you say you feel jelous because in a relationship with your husband, you don't want anyone else to be between you both.
You want to be the closest person to your husband and this feeling is natural otherwise, you feel your relationship is threatened.
OK, my husband says such things to his brothers children. We don;t have any children yet.
I feel the same way. I have tried different approaches. 1st, I said how I feel and explained to him. He said that their position are totally different from mine.(This can be true for you, too. Of course your husband may say to his son he is his everything, but when he says that to you, too, it may mean he really need both of you and you are his most important ones in life. Don't try to make comparison to see who is really more important because you will never be able to find it out). Just tell your husband how you feel.
2nd, my husband stopped telling such things to his brothers children but after a while, he started doing so again. I understood when I show sensitivity, he does that more.
So I just ignored those thongs and he stopped doing so easily.
You can try this one, too.
So, first tell him how you feel and tell him clearly what you expect him. If he did that, good. If not, don't show any sign of being jelous and ignore both your husband and the son when thay are saying such things. Never let them know you became upset.
When you don't pay attention to your husband after doing so, he feels he is loosing your attention and he tries to get back to you.
Based on what you said that you have done for the whole family, I think you are a giver. It's good but you should always keep balance between giving and receiving.
I don't mean that you should give in order to receive, No. I am just saying that when you give too much without receiving anything, they think you have done your duty and they forget all those favors.
See how his son behaves to his father, he is more successful in attracting his attention, so you are doing wrong. Change your manner. Don't pay attention all the time. This way, you will be always available and will make him bored. So he will let him criticising you. Spend time with your frineds or your daughter.
Try to have some independent activities and start caring about yourself. This way, he will know how he should respect you and appreciate all things you have done for them.
Leave those father and sone alone for themselves and keep yourself busy with your own activity, you will find all of them missing you soon.

I hope this helps
& stay self-confident.
Good Luck

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/16/2014

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Christ. Why is it that every single person who doesn't like a response given jumps on the "you obviously have no idea" bullshit wagon?

FYI, although it's none of your f*n business, yes, I AM a step. Have been for 25 YEARS. Get a friggin grip. And whether or not I am (or not) has nothing to do with your question, which is whether or not your feelings are valid.

Well, they may be valid in your eyes, but they're not in mine. You have to remember you're not his first rodeo, and his kids are IMPORTANT to him. As a matter of fact, they are just as important as you are! Which is the way it should be.

Why should he NOT share his 'thoughts & feelings on life' with his kids? What's so wrong with it? Why should he NOT tell his kids that they are his life and his everything? ONE CAN LOVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON.

Do you treat your daughters with less love and affection than you do your husband? I doubt it. Would you tell your daughters that your husband is more important? again, I doubt it.

Did I, 25 years ago, expect my husband to completely ignore his child with his ex? No, because he is her father, and she is his world, just like I am, just like his sons are.

Oh, and PLEASE. I never once said you have to like his f*n kids, or even treat them decently...but those steps who feel disrespected, dishononored, and hated generally let it be quite known that they hated their spouse's children. You shouldn't call yourself a stepMOM, because you are not. You, my dear, are the spouse of their father. Deal with it. Your husband's children have no respect for you because you've shown them that you could care less about them.

Deal with the fact that he loves his kids as much as he loves you. Deal with the fact that they aren't going away, in fact, you will have to 'deal' with them for the rest of your spouse's life. Either grow up and get along as adults, or ignore them, and the way their father treats them. Because otherwise, you're going to be a miserable spinster of a married woman.

BTW, men such as your spouse, who have few words, tend to use the same phrasing for EVERYONE...but go ahead and tell him that you're bitter and upset, and jealous of him using the same words to express affection to HIS SON as he did to you...I'm sure he'll be thrilled with your maturity.

At least I'm a HAPPY StepMOTHER.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2014

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Oh, Jennifer, personal attacks do not further your position. If you don't agree with what is posted, that's fine, but to call one a troll for posting an opinion that you disagree with, and in your case refuse to even see what the opposing point is, well, that's HS behaviour.

Your husband loves his kids. If you cannot handle that, you shouldn't have gotten into the relationship in the first place

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/22/2014

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Alyssa, NO ONE bashed you. We gave you advice, we reiterated other advice.

Just because you did not AGREE with the advice (that you were blaming a TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD for his MOTHER'S ACTIONS is not appropriate, nor mature behaviour on your part) doesn't mean you were being bashed, you were being told the blunt truth.

Alyssa - posted on 05/22/2014

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I made a post a few days ago and only got 2 helpful comments the others just bashed me. I'm extremely soft hearted as well and I admitted to needing help, that's always a good step. I just got married last month I have a 3 1/2 year old and my husband had a 2 1/2 year old. Things are extremely tough. I agreed with one of these comments where it says spend more time on you and your daughter. Your husband and his kids will start to miss you. Pull back a ton it will be hard but do it. A lot of my issues come from my stepsons mom. I dislike her so much its changing my perspective of my stepson. Making me feel he's just a brat even tho he's a toddler. I also need to get into marriage counseling.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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His child is an adult who is 18 & will be 19 in Sept. So why does he need protecting? And from what? He threatened to kill me when he was 14, not the other way around.. He does fine being rude & is excellent at making snide remarks, ignoring me, & disregarding my authority in my own home. I needed help, understanding, & encouragement, not the lambasting & telling me what a "terrible" mother I am. I have been complimented many times as a great parent to my daughter & she has turned out lovely & we are close as can be at her being 19. I HAVE TRIED to be a loving mother to his kids but I just get pushed away & no thank yous whatsoever. I have taken care of them both when they have been sick & have been very fair in buying them gifts even though my hubby has 4 children & I only one. There is no gratitude or graciousness no matter what I do.
To make things worse I have lost all my parents, grandparents, cousins, aunt, & uncles in a matter of 10 years.

When you become a stepparent there are the best & worst times to get into the marriage. I got in at the worst time unknowingly...adolescence & teens. The worst times are when the child is 2, 4, & in adolence or teens. The best time is when they are a baby to 1 year old & right before their 10th birthday. Many many women have the same problems im having. Sometimes it gets better after they are 30 or it just will never get better & you can always cut the tension with a knife. I am a very kind, generous, compassionate, & empathetic person.
These kinds of events tend to change your behavior in ways you could never imagine urself behaving. Everything I am saying is based on 30 years of research & with thousands of ppl. I came on here needing help desperately & I feel I was attacked. I am very tender hearted & thats a rare commodity these days. I am also disabled from a terrible car accident back in '05, leaving me in chronic suffering. I have metal, screws, rods, & crossbars in my neck & back just to stabilize them bc the negligent driver caused 4 ruptured discs & 3 more going out with major nerve damage resulting from the surgeries. I cant even stand still for longer than 20 seconds without experiencing severe pain. So I say to that other person to walk a mile in my shoes before you attack me. You wouldnt even make it past 100 feet without a walking assistance of some kind. Thats just the tip of the iceberg of my story. Besides that I love Jesus & God with all my heart, soul, body, & mind. I do not hurt ppl on purpose & I am not a vindictive person. Im just done with all the judgment & criticizing when no one knows my entire story. I miss my mom every single day. She understood me & got me & she was the best prayer warrior I have ever met & I had the privilege of having her as my mom, best friend, confidante, & my greatest fan ever besides my daughter & most of the time, my husband.

Tanya - posted on 05/16/2014

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One more thing Jennifer, I think you should get counselling like Shawnn first posted, not only for you but this son as well... if he is what you said...maybe he needs help.

Also he has to protect his child... who else will... not the child's mother from what you said. I think that there is a way BIGGER issue here, this has been going on for way to long and it is creating other problems within the marriage.


Their mother is a drug addict, alcoholic, cheated on their dad, tried to kill herself 4 times while they were there, never pays for anything.....it has been me who has. She also is bipolar & schizophrenic. His son is really showing signs of being bipolar & I have issues with my husband bc he diminishes my feelings & accuses me of overexaggerrating all the time when it comes to his son.

Tanya - posted on 05/16/2014

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Jennifer, you really are bitter and I understand from what you are saying that they are mean with you. I'm sure it cannot be easy. But I think you need a new approach. Maybe Shawnn can give you tips.

I know Shawnn can be very direct and to the point but I'm agreeing with her and I'm pretty sure she knows what she's talking about . I am not a stepparent tough.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/16/2014

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25 years as a very happy step mother is plenty of education, tyvm!

Good 'luck' with the rest of your marriage

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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Their mother is a drug addict, alcoholic, cheated on their dad, tried to kill herself 4 times while they were there, never pays for anything.....it has been me who has. She also is bipolar & schizophrenic. His son is really showing signs of being bipolar & I have issues with my husband bc he diminishes my feelings & accuses me of overexaggerrating all the time when it comes to his son.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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I never wanted to marry a man with kids but God brought us together & right now for the life of me, idk why. My mom was a stepmother & experienced the same things I do & warned me not to marry a man with children. I wish I would have listened. I thought I could make them like me or love me but no matter how HARD I have tried all I am met with is disrespect, jealousy, & trying to tear our marriage apart. Surely you all can understand that. And we criticize what we dont understand.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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My daughter has a stepmother & the same things have happened. I was just feeling alone, crying, & thinking of divorce. I was seeking some support but thanks anywY. Thank you for your apology.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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Tried thaat already. You obviously are NOT a stepmother either. I am reading a book "Stepmonster" & it tells the real world experiences of stepmothers, being left out, being shunned by his kids & him.ignoring it & that OUR JEALOUSY is normal; so please get off your overly happy high horse! I am trying to post some pages of the book. There has been a TON of research in stepmothering & IDONT HAVE to like or love his kids who treat me terribly. I am very resentful & bitter towards them & for GOOD reasons! Thank you very much.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/16/2014

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I guess I don't get it either. My husband loves me, I am his life, his everything, and he would die for me, and I for him. (the feeling is mutual, fully reciprocated)

My husband also loves our children. They are his life, his everything, and he would die for them. (Again, the feeling is mutual.)

I am not upset that he uses the same phrasing for each of us. He's a simple man. I don't mean a STUPID man, but simple. One phrase can cover a lot with him. Does he idolize me? Yes. Does he put me on a pedastal? I won't let him. Both of us are fully dedicated to the other, but we're also fully dedicated to our kids. Would either of us sacrifice the kids to save the spouse in an emergency? No, but we'd damned well try to save everyone!

In other words, I think you may be being a little over sensitive.

Now is it ok for him to berate you? No. For that, and your jealousy over his children, I suggest some counseling, both individual for yourself, and family for the whole group

Tanya - posted on 05/16/2014

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I didn't mean to insult you.

Are you having a problem with your husband or his son?

You said you felt jealous... I explained that he can love you both...

If you have issues with his son... well I have nothing to say on that I personally could never marry someone who has children or have my daughter raised by anyone else...just because I would be the crazy one.

Best person is Shawnn to respond about the child problem.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2014

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Well, thanks for your criticism. Obviously I didnt get my full point across. I love my daughter too but she isnt my life nor my everything. God never intended it to be that wY. Your spouse always comes first. Remember the vows....forsaking ALL OTHERS & WHAT GOD HAD JOINED, LET NO, NO, NO PERSON TEAR IT APART.
You have no idea what his son has said & done to me. He has threatened to kill ke when we first got married. He has destroyed many of my things by stabbing them, hitting them with things & just being evil. My daughter is 19 & moved out of state 2 months ago btw. Also, have you ever had stepchildren? I have never had any child in my life hate me. You cant relate if you havent been a stepparent.

Tanya - posted on 05/16/2014

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I'm confused why you are jealous.

Take a step back and read what you wrote, it might bring clarity.

Of course his children are his life! And so are you! You all are in different ways! I always tell my daughter she is the love of my life... but so is my husband. I don't love my daughter and husband the same way. First of all, children are unconditional love, no matter what. If your child does something really bad to you, you will most likely always forgive them. However, you're husband you may not.
He can still LOVE and adore his children and still want to live a life with only you and him. I mean we all feel like that. I miss the life I had with my husband before my daughter but I wouldn't change for the life of me. However, I can't wait for it to be just us eventually. It's not to say I don't want my daughter...believe me I live for her, I love her and can't live without her but when she is all grown up and married I want it to be just my husband and I . Because I love him and adore him too.

I don't think it's logical to be jealous of children, come on you're a grown up.

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