Is ok for me to not agree with putting the baby's father on child support??

Boona - posted on 03/03/2009 ( 26 moms have responded )

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I dont feel like i should have to force him into helping me take care of our child!! Even though i need the help, i find it okay for him to take the easy way out bcuz i sense that we will be okay in the long run anyway!!

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Shade - posted on 03/12/2009

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Being a single parent & bringing up a child or children on ur own s hard..so it s up to u wateva u want to do to dis dad. my younger sons dad s had nothing to do with my son since he turned 2yrs & my son lacks nothing. Am working & providing 4 all my children to the best of my knowledge. As 4 d dad I know he will come begging in future when my child turns president like Obama or someone good. If he s not supporting you at the moment & you can still talk to him in a polite manner go ahead and do it but other wise let him be and he might change with time. I can tell you it s hard work but you will survive, just like any other person. Good luck.

Natisha - posted on 03/03/2009

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First off, good on you for not begging for the support even if you do need it BUT on the other hand, if you really need it... make him pay!

Davina - posted on 03/03/2009

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I don't feel like it is the easies thing to do, raising children on your own, but sometimes it is harder trying to keep up with the system that is in place for child support. It is your choose when you are not receiving any type of assistance from the state. If you need help to that extent then I do think that you should consider the fact that too many men have left women to raise children alone and there far created the need for this.

[deleted account]

I agree with you, I also put off filing for support til my twins were 5 years old. But financially times are tough and I filed for assistance and they required me to file for support (almost a year and still no support payments, so much for filing anyways). I agree that you shouldn't have to force him to help pay expenses for raising your child, that is exactly how I felt. Plus, he is the one that will miss out when your child is old enough to understand and then have their own opinion. thats when he will really pay.

26 Comments

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Louise - posted on 03/18/2009

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Hi,  to answer the question, it's okay if you don't ask.  i don't think it's an evil thing if you don't ask.  on the other hand, by law, he is responsible for his child.  but in the long run, you must think of what is better for your child, maybe the child is better off with child support, maybe not.  



my son's dad didn't give child support because he doesn't have a job, so in my case i didn't ask because he had nothing to give.  but things worked out well, i have a good support system and a loving family.  there are things better than money.  i hope everything goes well for you.  good luck!

D Colleen - posted on 03/18/2009

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its a personal choice, or at least it should be. if you feel its going to be like squeezing blood from a turnip and your little sweetie gets old enough to realize it...it could really do a job on her self esteem ect. when she's older. if you feel theres some hard times ahead without it, but can get through it...again, its a personal choice

Jo - posted on 03/17/2009

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hi i agree with you my littles girls father very rarely gives me any financial support and sees her on a regular basis although i wish sometimes he would give a little help forcing him to pay through csa(thats if you actually get it!!)would end up causing more stress and friction that will affect her in the way of picking up on the atmosphere etc which may do more harm long term!as long as shes well fed warm clothed and loved thats all that she needs and one day will make her own opinions which is when he will be paying for it!

Chelsea - posted on 03/17/2009

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i agree, if the man is a bad influence and a danger to have around the baby then no reason to push the child support since then he is abel to have custody as well.

Chelsea - posted on 03/17/2009

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dont put yourself into fiancial ruin cuz of this but i understand what you are saying.

If this is the case i would have him sign of fhis rights to the child. He will not be forced to pay child support but he is also no allowed any visitation. Also, when you do find a real good guy who loves and wants to be with you and your child he can adopt her with no issues :)

GL to you and you baby!

Maureen - posted on 03/17/2009

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There is no gray area. It takes two adults to become parents and they are both equally responsible for the financial responsibility of raising and supporting the child.

I say men as they do seem to be the majority, seem to be getting out of their responsibilities too much. Deadbeats are fathers who avoid their debts to their children both morally and financially. With support arrangements now, you do not even have to have face to face contact with the other parent. Payments can be arranged directly from his paycheque into your bank account. Deadbeats are also men who choose which of their brood ( created irresponsibly) that they will support. Yeah. Way to screw a kid up big time. And what does this teach our children ? Both boys and girls ?

Even if you do not talk about the missing parent and if they are providing support , kids do know. It is so much more positive for the child to know that their other parent does help on a basic level of providing food and housing.

Emily - posted on 03/17/2009

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I feel there are many gray areas to this issue.



If he is an absolute deadbeat and you would rather do it all on your own than even deal with him perhaps you are making the best choice for your daughter.



You should weigh the consequences: is it in your daughter's best interest that he be totally removed from her life or would the money make her life a lot better.



If you are struggling to get by, I think for her sake you need to work out an arrangment to get some money out of him. He helped create the baby and she needs shelter, food, clothing, occasional fun and recreational activit, daycare etc... Additionally, it makes more sense for him to help support her rather than relying on public assistance (if it comes down to that) because he is responsible for creating her.

Teresa - posted on 03/16/2009

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you will be ok but he should help even if it is to by diapers or help with child care and Insurance

Maureen - posted on 03/16/2009

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The father has a moral and legal obligation to support the child. Even if you would rather prefer not to have any dealings with him and avoid the issue. He still needs to be providing financial support. Where I live, there is a central agency that takes care of receiving and forwarding the support payments. Less interaction required with the father.

If you are financially independent and don't require any additional funds to raise the child, I guess you are a slim minority. Cuz, as we all know, kids are expensive. Rent / mortgages are expensive. Food. Clothing. School. Birthday parties.... etc. etc.

If you are concerned about safety of your child and the separate issue of possible visitations - arrange in your agreement to have a 3rd party present .

If you are in a situation of having to apply and receive social assistance while you get yourself going, please do not have the attitude ' they are gonna make me'.

If you are applying for public assistance it is because you are not capable of supporting yourself and need the extra help... Therefore, the putative father of the child needs to be providing for his responsibilities !! There are too many single parents, who with a resonable job and receiving child support , don't even need to apply for assistance or receive help with medical benefits only..

Not sure where you live, but your local courthouse may have a booth with the appropriate forms you need to fill out. Or, there may be a local mediation centre to help with coming to a support agreement that can be registered at the courthouse for enforecement if necessary. Good luck.

[deleted account]

If you receive any type of help from the State, they will eventually Order him to pay anyway. I understand where you are coming from, but if he's not willing, that is the only way to hold him responsible. Your child deserves everything you can give her, and if that means money from her father, so be it. Don't let your child go without because of that.

Nicole - posted on 03/14/2009

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yes it is ok. I didn't put my sons father on child support. We did see each other from time to time. But like u say I don't agree with forcing him to help, so I'de rather do it alone.

Boona - posted on 03/12/2009

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Thank u all!! I am taking all that is said into consideration! I want/ am going to do the best thing for me and my daughter's sake! However its still something that is undecided.

[deleted account]

I actually think you should make him pay. I thought about it for awhile before I answered though cause I agree that he shouldnt have to be "made" to help raise his child. He should want to!!!



For myself, my biological father never paid a penny for my sisters and I (3 of us total) and left my mother hanging with a 4 yr. old and newborn twins. He would never pay and my mom finally gave up trying to get it.



I met him for the 1st time when I was 26 yrs. old. He STILL feels that he did nothing wrong and that we should forgive him for his past mistakes. I do believe in forgiveness but not to the extent that I need to ignore it and do the same for my little ones.



Just a thought!!! Good luck!!

Lisa - posted on 03/10/2009

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My ex and I decided not to go through the friend of the court. He pays me a set amount each month and it works for us. I believe it is the choice of the parent(s). If you can make it work without the courts it is always best. I know so many people who have gone that route and dont receive anything (except a headache). Good luck to you!

Anita - posted on 03/08/2009

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I agree with the comment that if he is seeing the child then he should pay.  If he is not and wants no part of her life then make sure you get it in writing.  Get him to give up his rights to your chid.  If you choose at that point to let him see her, fine.  However; if you meet someone else that wants to consider her a part f his life and adopt, you will not have to deal with it at that time if you take care of it now.  It will be easier for him to deny that adoption later because he knows someone is in your life.  It is easier to address it now then later.  If he wants rights to his child, he should help support her. 

Tammy - posted on 03/04/2009

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If you can make it on your own it is totally your choice.  My ex owes $80,000 in back child support and I have no intentions of going after him because it will just give him an excuse to interfere in our lives. Plus he wouldn't pay anyways.   However, it hasn't been easy and there a lot of things that money can buy for my kids especially with my oldest going off to college soon.  If you file for assistance than the choice really isn't yours anymore.  You are already asking someone(the state and tax payers) to help support your child.  At that point the state has a right to request the father gets involved. If there is a parent that can afford to raise the child it is fraud to take assistance.  If the dad can't support the child either than assistance will help out without a problem.

Shannon - posted on 03/04/2009

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I didn't take my ex to court for child support until she was 4... I was trying to be nice to him because I felt bad for him. Plus neither one of us wanted the courts involved in our lives. Once he had to pay it actually helped him get his act together. I stopped the court support a year ago and everything has been fine. My only suggestion is that if you let him see her he should be paying something, anything, pick a low amount, something you know he can afford, that is the best way to start. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 03/04/2009

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I just wanted to say 2 things;  #1 - there is a lot of great advise on here and #2 - you have teh cutest baby (toddler) EVER!!!!  I just can't stop looking at her she's SOOO sweet!!!!

User - posted on 03/03/2009

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I think that no matter whether you need the money or not, he should be helping you support his child. If you feel that he is an absolut waste and you don't want him in your childs life, with out a doubt, want nothing from him then don't do it. But don't dwell on the decision either. It's something that never goes away. He should be helping you out. There were many years where my mother would have have survived if it wasn't for help from child support. It is not easy raising a child on your own and being a grown woman now, I wonder why my father wasn't willing to help out and my mother had to chase him down. And I think even if my mother had been well off, I'd always wonder why my father never cared enough to want to support me. Why he wasn't ok with helping out when I was his daughter. I guess they don't see it that way. But i beleive if you need the help, you should get the help.
And yes it's true, your child will grow up and develop their own opinion about the man. But like I said, whether my father was paying or not (and there were plenty of years where he wasn't) it's still always, why. Why didn't he want to help support and raise me. I realize now it's becuase he's not a real man and is selfish. I don't think he'll ever get it. And I grew up fine with out him.
But no matter what, it is all your decision. Your child and whatever you feel is ok. There really is no right or wrong answer.

Boona - posted on 03/03/2009

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Well i want to thank u all for the support and Ms. Natisha i have always had a problem not being able to do things on my own!! I guess its a pride issue that i need to work on!

Amy - posted on 03/03/2009

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i have never received child support for my oldest daughter. her dad has always providing for her without me asking. when she is involved in activities, we split it.

Boona - posted on 03/03/2009

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Thank U!!



I really thought that i was the only one that felt that way bcuz evry1 else that i asked wud give a real immature response! This is sumthn that has been on my mind recently bcuz i applied for assistance and it required me to file for the same! I mean my daughter is only one and i grew up without a father figure, so i never wanted that for my own!



However he did recently call my phone- not talking about our daughter- but asking " Y the H*** did i put him on child support??" Some father huh??

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