Lazy Husbands

Patricia - posted on 07/18/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

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How do you deal with working 40 hours and taking care of a baby when your husband doesn't help out or offer to help before you NAG. Any suggestions?

43 Comments

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Tara - posted on 08/01/2009

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I agree with Renee' if you show that you don't NEED him then he will become worried and start wanting to be envolved. If he don't then dont "nag" just tell him look you need to help me with this! Mine got put out of work with a neck injury and he has his weeks, sometimes he is johnny on the spot others he is lazy I just ignore him when he isn't being productive

Karen - posted on 07/31/2009

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You have 2 choices; if you like having him around otherwise bribe him with sex! I suppose you could reason with him, but most men still cause this nagging!

Pamela - posted on 07/31/2009

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WOW. This sounds like something i would post!!! Especially the NAGing part.

Patience, Lots of if. Just know that you are the trunk of your tree. You are what keeps your family together. They both depend on you. I have learned to accept that, and you know what? It actually makes me feel good. With out us as mothers, wives, and being a friend. Could they really do it. So keep your head up, your not the only one feeling this way. I go thru it too.

Jess - posted on 07/31/2009

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I have the exact same problem with my husband i also work and care for our 4 girls i am so god dam tired i have just had a miscarriage and i still am not getting the support or help i need it sucks ah.

Trina - posted on 07/30/2009

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I don't know what makes being a man so hard, but feel proud that you have the stamina to do what you do. Plus try making some one on one time, men tend to get passive agressive. Sometimes they even feel disconnected from the children and find it awkward to connect. Maybe you could get a daddy group together, men love a little competition. Who can be the best dad and all that. Hey it's something to try.

Stacey - posted on 07/29/2009

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Yes...men are not mind readers and they do not forward think. You have to be very specific about what tasks are theres. For instance, bathtime is strictly my husband job and I mean everynight. If I need one of the bathrooms cleaned, I specifically ask and he will do it. Try giving him a list that may work. My husband was pretty upfront with telling me to tell him what I needed he wanted to help but didn't know how or when

Marquita - posted on 07/29/2009

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I no that it is hard i have went through that before it's hard when u have a little one and you are working fulltime have you sat down with him and let him no that you are feed up with having to do everything by yourself and you need his help and see if that works .

[deleted account]

Tania, just think of something he really likes that you do- and stop doing it. He'll get the hint. Boy, I'm spiteful when it comes to this, but I do believe when 2 people decide to have you-know-what and a child is the outcome- responsibilities come with it, and it should be 50/50. Call me a feminatzi, but us women just can't do it all!

Tania - posted on 07/28/2009

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nagging does,nt work either. i have 2 lively boys, work+clean up mess when i get home. Are we crazy or what?

Tania - posted on 07/28/2009

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mine does nothing+when he has kids he says 1hour is enough, like he,s a babysitter. am i alone on this?

[deleted account]

Hire a nanny to help out. When he starts complaining about the extra expense, tell him he can get off his lazy behind and help.

User - posted on 07/28/2009

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Ask him if he will go to marital counseling? Perhaps your work will cover at least 3 sessions (talk to your human resources dept. about Employee Assistance Program). If he refuses, let him know that you are unhappy and need his help. Use those exact words "unhappy" and "need help." Husbands want their wives to be happy. Another idea is to plan something in the evening that you would like to do such as get a pedicure or go out to dinner with a co-worker. Then he must figure it out one or two evenings/week. Me may not do things your way, but I'm sure he'll figure out how to change a couple diapers and feed the baby.

Jill - posted on 07/27/2009

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Was he lazy before kids? Unfortunately we can't change anyone. My husband does the "outside" chores and expected me to do the "indoor" chores somewhere inbetween 4 hours of sleep broken over a 24 hour period and a child w/ acid reflux that cried unless he was held for the first 6 months. I had meltdowns, talks with him, ignored him, and when he complained about something in the house I reminded him that he had 2 hands to do it himself. What ended up working for me in the end was realizing I needed to help myself. I didn't hire a maid...too expensive for my budget. I hired a neighbor's child- she is too young to babysit but the perfect age to watch Sean while I cleaned, napped, or went outside to scream! It was the best thing I ever did. I also discoved that if she came over while my husband was home...he got off his butt and did something!!!

Nadia - posted on 07/25/2009

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My first husband was like that. He was cranky and lazy, and didn't help out at all. I couldn't go on like that, and we broke up. I had also fallen out of love with him, and when he slept with someone else I got well away from him. I remarried, and my husband I am very much i love with. He helps alot even though he works hard. Where it worked for some of my friends was they trained their husbands. You looked at what you need them to do and what to compromise on. When the wife is happy, it can make a big difference to the household environment and your relationship.

User - posted on 07/25/2009

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Tell me about it. I have the same problem too. I work 40 hours a week + help him on the lawn business during the weekend come home cook dinner take care of my 7yr old daughter and I have a 17 yr old son but he helps sometimes. My husband don't even at least try to help out . So i stopped doing his laundry. I am going on strike..

Eleanor - posted on 07/25/2009

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I work full time, he's a stay at home dad. I told him housework is his job as long as I am the only one working. Option A) do it, B) get a job and we can share the housework C) find somewhere else to live. Does the trick for me.

Suzanne - posted on 07/25/2009

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I personally set the ground rules before the children came along so it was never a issue. He and his dad had been waited on hand foot and finger by his mother and 3 sisters...sod that for a game of soldiers. Within weeks of me returning to work he was taking his share of the work load. To try and change him once you need him to change is a recipe for arguements. If you are both working then he has to take on part of the responsinbilities. If he isnt prepared to do this see how long he lasts without his nights out with the boys or what ever he spends 'his' money on once the bills dont get paid because you stay at home to look after your child.....Sorry but I am not my mothers daughter for nothing and my Dad was well 'house trained'!!

Amanda - posted on 07/24/2009

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just be honest and say you need the help. I work full-time at home as a childninder, but hubby also works from home sometimes and it infuriates me that i am running about like an eejit while hes sitting at a laptop not doing much. So at end of day when tidying has to be done, i say outright that he has to help, cos i can't do it all alone

Kristen - posted on 07/24/2009

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If he also works, remind him that you are not a housewive. If he still doesn't help, use some of your income to hire a maid.

Isabel - posted on 07/24/2009

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my husband was great at first now he's like a baby. What i did was treat him like a kid i gave him a list that we need to do every day and would be very firm and not go back and say never mind i will do it and so far its working.

i did not have this child alone they need to help especially if we r bothing bringing in the money

Tracie - posted on 07/24/2009

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Hire a person to come clean and a baby sit for you. You both pay half. Thank goodness I don't have this problem. My girls are 17 and 15 now and they help around the house more than they used to. But what I wouldn't give to go back to when they where little....Good luck

Danielle - posted on 07/24/2009

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I think if you spend a bit of time each day doing something to help your family live well, and you do it out of love and not resentment, then the people around you want to jump in and help - kiddies and husbands... though maybe not exactly as you planned, but in their way. Dividing and conquering chores helps too though.

Tessa - posted on 07/23/2009

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My partner was prety lazy for a little while (we had lily when we were young, i was 17 he was 20) he's one of those guys who is always playing computer games (World of warcraft, I think its more addictive than crack!!!) I delt with it by making a roster, he was mad at me for a while, telling me i was treating him like a child (Dont act like a child and i wont treat you like one!!). We each had jobs to do each day, he wasnt alowed on the computer till everything was done, this included looking after lily for an hour. Know i never need to remind him to do anything, he just does everything! he cooks dinner, does the washing, changes all the nappies!!!

Another great tool (as slutty as it may seem!) was to lean forward and flutter my eyelids a little!!!

Katrina - posted on 07/23/2009

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I feel really blessed to have the kind of husband that I have. We both work...we both are tired...we both share in the household "chores". If he sees that somethings needs to be done...he does it. But treating your husband like a child doesn't always work. Think about the roles being reversed...would you as an adult like to be treated like a child. And stop doing for him only infureates him even more. It can make it harder on you eventually. I would sit down and talk with him. Explain that a marriage is a partnership and you both need to take resposibility for the home. Sometimes men just really don't realize what is going on until you clue them in.

Amanda - posted on 07/23/2009

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I put my daughters and myself before him. I know he should help, but my drive to ensure my childrens' well being is stronger than the anger I feel for him not doing anything. Regardless of what he does or does not do, I'm going to take care of my kids. His clothes my sit in a pile, but my kids will have clean clothes. He might eat Ramen noodles for dinner, but my kids and I will eat healthy meals. He knows that he gets what he gives. If he is not working at our relationship and family, then I will not force myself to carry mine and his weight.

Lanis - posted on 07/23/2009

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I agree with Alicia you need to delegate. Make sure you tell them you appreciate them as well. I find positive reinforcement works much better than nagging. Give them a deadline and explain why it needs to be done (ex. can you please pre cook and puree vegetables for the babies dinner before 6pm as there is nothing ready in the fridge). You can also give a choice like laundry or packing the kids lunch and supplies for school/daycare.
Good luck

Alicia - posted on 07/22/2009

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Delegate! Men are like kids, you have to give them specific instructions. Make a list of everything that needs to be done around the house, give him a copy, and together you all decide who does what. If that doesn't work, hire a housekeeper...it has saved me! Although this is a bill we definitely don't need, it keep me sane! Believe me, it's worth the investment. I cutback in other areas just my house stays clean every 2 weeks.

Sandra - posted on 07/22/2009

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Obviously you are doing everything on top of working a 40hour week, drop comments like. "You know, I could totally survive if you weren't here." whilst doing chores or tending to your baby. It may make him feel that he should do something to helpout a bit more or maybe (in his mind) you could be considering a single life :-D

Jill - posted on 07/22/2009

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I told my husband after our first baby was born that I was going to be breastfeeding her when she got hungry so if that meant dinner was late that so be it. He got tired of eating late at night and started doing the dinner while i took care of her. Neither one of us are the greatest at keeping the house straight but i've given up on making it look like a neat freak lives here.

Ammie - posted on 07/22/2009

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don't do anything for him.. take care of your baby only.. don't cook for him.. just buy food enough for yourself, when you do the laundry, separate his clothes.. don't wash his dishes.. don't pick up his trash.. soon he'll get the hint!

Patsy - posted on 07/22/2009

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Lazy anyone... is such a problem... especially if they live with you... but guys tend to like fun... so if he doesn't think he is helping but instead is just playing with the baby then at least you can scurry around and get some things done before your other duties kick in like when he yells the baby needs it diaper changed... little baby steps are better than no steps... so I would start by asking him if he could play for a little while with the baby... then work a few daysor weeks laterinto maybe a bath... till adventually before the child is 16 he may get it... J/K ..good Luck..

Tomica - posted on 07/22/2009

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Well what will not work is asking him more than once. If you do that you are nagging. Dont compare what you do to what he do it will just project to him that you think you are better than he is or you are belittling him. Been there with my husband who does work but I work fulltime and partttime, got to school on line, keep the house and take care of my son. He does cook sometimes and do little projects every now and then in the house. I usually ask him once if after a day or so he did not do it I do it and say I already did this so you dont have to worry about it (this will make him know he has to step his game up) I also send him a sexy text followed by a friendly reminder about what I need him to do. :)

Maurene - posted on 07/22/2009

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If he is going to act like a child, treat him like one and create a "chore list' for him to accomplish each week. To be PC you could also set one up for yourself, but it doesn't sound like it would matter. OR tell him that you would like to hire a maid because you just can't do it ALL! Maybe he will care more if there is $$ going out the door.

Sharon - posted on 07/21/2009

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Good luck with that, I work 5 days per week and have a very active 4 year old daughter, when i get home from work, i still have to cook, clean, do laundry, dishes, bath and picking up toys, my husband does work 6 days per week, he does pick up our daughter from day care but as soon as he gets home he sits his ass down and does nothing, half the time he doesn't even shut the shower curtain after he takes a shower, i have nagged and asked and complained after that he usually helps for a couple days but thats it - back to the same routine-i love my husband and he is a good man so i kinda just roll with it

[deleted account]

have a sit down and explain how you would appreciate his help a little more, etc...
if that doesnt help , dont was his clothes, he'll eventually need clean underwear, and definately dont cook. he'll get the picture.

Ana - posted on 07/21/2009

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Been there!! He had to witness me having a nervous breakdown to finally come to his senses. From then, we organize everything that needs to be done in a day. Nobody gets to sit or watch tv until its done. I have 2 small girls and working a full time job with lots of stress and it all came down on me all at once. You need to speak up and share the responsibilities. He now has scheduled days where he HAS to take the girls to day care and pick them up just to give me some sanity. Good luck!

Tricia - posted on 07/21/2009

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I'd recommend finding a baby sitter, going to a coffee shop, and having a civilized conversation without a messy kitchen and noisy kids distracting you. :-) Men generally like things laid out clearly. I know my DH feels overwhelmed by being a stay at home dad. He doesn't know where to start, so he just doesn't do anything sometimes. LOL

Things that might be good to discuss: What chores actually need to be done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis? What chores will YOU take full responsibility for? What chores will HE take full responsibility for? How will you divide up the tasks nobody likes to do? How can you let him know what needs to be done without nagging?

Also, give him credit for what he does. My DH does all the gardening and car maintenance without me ever asking. I sometimes forget to thank him for that because I'm upset about the laundry and dishes looming in great dirty piles. But he deserves to be thanked for weeding and changing the oil.

And remember: this too shall pass. Lowering your standards for a time is really OK. When your kids are all in college, your house will be spotless, and you'll miss them.

Mindy - posted on 07/20/2009

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As much as I would like to think that ignoring them, or doing the same helps, it does not. I have a five year old and an 18 month old and have tried both! To top it off, I have to admit that I am not the greatest housekeeper in the world either. The less I did, the less he did. Then he would get mad that there were no dishes clean or something to the sort. It may be a temporary fix to the problem, but all it did was create tension. So on top of having a lazy husband, I had a dirty house, my husband was irritated, I was irritated, and the kids could feel the tension. What the answer is, I do not know. I had this same discussion with my husbands sister tonight. I work 55 hours a week, take care of two kids, cook dinner, clean the house and somewhere in there find time for myself on occasion. If your husbands only problem is that he is lazy, like the case with me, then so what? I deal with it. But we also have the understanding that if I need time for me, he keeps the kids. And he doesn't mind that at all. So in exchange for having to do ALL the work around the house, I get to go out with my friends for a drink or for lunch or coffee. And if all else fails, talk to them. It helps. At least they will understand then why you took a nap instead of washing the dishes!

Renée - posted on 07/20/2009

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ignore him and take care of yourself and your daughter only, he'll like it for a bit but when he sees that you a good and happy just focusing on you both, he'll become scared and want to participate. try it and see how that works for you.

Natasha - posted on 07/19/2009

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i just did wot he dus ok the house went to pot for abit but he soon started helping when i stoped. or go on wife swop see if that works but lazy men are hard to deal with .

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