MOMMY GUILT

RACHEL - posted on 07/26/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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HOW DO YOU GET AWAY FROM THE FEELING OF GUILT FOR NOT BEING WITH YOUR KIDS ALL THE TIME. i JUST STARTED WORKING FULL TIME AND I CANT GET RID OF THIS GUILT

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Sara - posted on 07/26/2009

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I try to focus on the positive things about my daughter going to daycare.

First of all, make sure you child(ren) is in a daycare that you LOVE. They are out there, and feeling 100% comfortable with where you are bringing your child for care is the only way to even begin feeling ok with going to work.

Secondly, it takes awhile, but you have to change your focus from the guilt from being away, to enjoying the time you are together. Don't waste your energy on the negative part (I have to remind myself of this quite often), spend your energy on doing fun things with your kid(s) when you are together.

Kids have fun at daycare and especially when they start young, they don't know anything different. It helps them develope wonderful social skills, vocabulary, and makes them generally well rounded.

Hope this helps!

Kim - posted on 07/31/2009

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Rachel it sounds like you have received a lot of great advice here but thought I would give you my thoughts as well. I have a 5 year old that has been in childcare since she was 3 months old and believe me while I did feel a bit of guilt at first - she was so happy there and so excited to see me that I too also tried to focus on the enjoyment of being with her rather than the sadness of being apart. She is now ready to start Kindergarten and I must say seeing her social skills compared to others that haven't been around other kids makes me feel good about my choice. My second is 6 weeks old and he'll be starting childcare in about 6 weeks as well and since I have found a facility that I trust I am much less guilt ridden this time. Best of luck to you. Your kids love you just the same even when you aren't with them 24 hours a day. :)

Cari - posted on 07/28/2009

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I honestly don't believe that the feeling of guilt will ever go away. My son is 7 months old and I have felt it for the past four months that I have been working full-time. You have to provide for your children and you also need a break from them. You need time with adults. Having to work is a love-hate relationship especially when you have children. It is difficult and I believe it always will be. Be grateful that you can provide for your family and just spoil them rotten every chance you get=)

27 Comments

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Nicole - posted on 08/01/2009

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I really felt bad when I went back to work at 3 months. I would leave early as much as possible to get him out and take days off. I can't remember when it happened, maybe by 6 months, I realized he really liked it. In the morning, he points to the door which means he wants to go. By 6 months it was the predictable schedule that he did really well with, as well as being with other kids. Now it's mostly his friends. He gets fussy by the end of vacations. Now I'll send him to daycare for half the day when I have a vacation day, I'll do errands and housework that's hard with him around and then have good quality time. So hang in there.

Tricia - posted on 08/01/2009

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The feeling of guilt never quite goes away, i think it just gets bearable. I'm a single mom and have been back to work since he was 2 months old and 6 yrs later i still feel the guilt at times. When I am home with him we have a great time he is the better for the time we do have. I try not to dwell on the time I have to spend away from him. I work nights so hes mostly asleep when I'm working so that helps me and I have 3 days off during the week. You will fall into a good rythm and adjust and so will they the best feeling is when they run up to you with the biggest smile on there face and jump into your arms as you walk into the house after work.

Caitlin - posted on 07/31/2009

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I completely understand that feeling. I have two boys, and I try to make sure that I have special time with them each day even if not for a huge amount. But is still is painful to be away. I've noticed that mine adapt better than I do, so I guess thats good for them.

Pamela - posted on 07/31/2009

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Girl... I think every mother goes throgh this. Seperation anxiety for you, children go thru it as well. Try to go see them during your lunch time, if you can. If not Just try spending more time with them on the weekends to make up for lost time. I know its hard, but we have to work. Its tuff.

Lynette - posted on 07/30/2009

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I work and it is really hard not to feel a little guilty. All you have to do is focus on the positive aspect of things. The time you will have together will be more special and more of quality time rather than just time. As long as your child is happy and your happy-in a way then you both will be fine.

Jennifer - posted on 07/30/2009

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When i'm at my desk at work, i have pictures of up of my son everywhere i turn, to remind me of what i'm there for and who i'll be seeing as soon as i'm done. I totally understand the feeling guilty but they are getting some time with friends too :) hopw this helps you :)

Nilmari - posted on 07/30/2009

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It is fine to feel that way and we need to be able to recognize our feelings. The most important thing is spending good quality time when you are together. During the day, take few minutes to reflect on your kids and motherhood. Keep pictures of them with you and talk to other mothers, I am sure you work with some of those.

Carolina - posted on 07/30/2009

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I've been a working mom for over a year and I still feel guilty every morning when I drop her off at Grandma's, but I just focus on the fact that I am working for her.

Terri - posted on 07/30/2009

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Remember that you are doing this not because you want to but because you have to. In today's economy we need to try and get what we can. Jobs are scarce and I am sure that you give tons of love and kissies that baby needs. Remind yourself why you are doing this and focus on activities that you can do once you see your child. Quality not quantity - is what matters after all.

Mary Kay - posted on 07/29/2009

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I think guilt is in the job description for mothers, especially working mothers. Guilt at work for not being home, guilt at home because there's so much to do at work! Explore what the guilt is all about.....maybe it's missing "firsts" maybe it's insecurity about the childcare, maybe it's "should's" coming from others. When you figure out where the guilt is coming from, you can address it. If it comes from others' opinions, focus on the reasons you are working and do the benefits outweigh the downsides. If it's missing "firsts" is there a way to capture them? Or what's wrong with witnessing "seconds?" It doesn't effect your child's future if you miss his first steps, words, etc. If it's a matter of childcare, reassess and make sure you feel comfortable with your childcare providers. Guilt can be so draining, if you can figure out where is comes from specifically, you can address it and let it go. When your decisions are based on your true values, you can trust them and let go of the guilt about them. Hope that helps. My kids are older..... and I now help women deal with guilt and worry about parenting, working, balance, self-care, etc. You're are not alone!!!

Casey - posted on 07/29/2009

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I know how you feel I just try to make the best of the time I am with them we go for walks or do girl talk with my 5 yr old she thinks it is so cool we go sit on mom and dads bed put our feet up and talk about the day it is nice to have that one on one time with her!

Marquita - posted on 07/29/2009

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We can't be with our kids all the time unless we are a stay at home mom...being a mom is a big responsible and u have to be able to provide for u and you baby and in order to do that we have to work they may not understand it now but in the long run they will i have to children 15 and 9 and they always wants me to be home with them abd i let them no if i am hear with them all time i won't be able to give them the things in life they need if i don't work for it and now they understand that i can't be there with them all the times but when i am not at work i spend as much time as i can with them doing things....everytime you get the filling of guilt for no being able to be there all the just pray about it because you are doing what u need to do for your family....Good luck with everything :))

Lisa - posted on 07/29/2009

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When I first went back to work I felt the same way. I just told myself that this is what I needed to do in order to help my family. I also looked at it as an opportunity for mommy to have some adult time.

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2009

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I just always tell myself that I am at work and away from my son so i can provide everything for him that he needs.....it takes away some of the guilt but there is always some still there.......

Manda - posted on 07/28/2009

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I too have these feelings I think it is normal and natural. However if you can not help it then give yourselve a break and make the most of the times you are at home. Many studies have been done that kids turn out just as well as kids who have at home moms. I do agree with the other lady that a great daycare is going to make it a lot easier, usually the more they cost the better they are, I have worked in one for years.

Korie - posted on 07/28/2009

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the thing that really sucks about my work is I don't have a set schedule so it's hard to get Connor on a routine. I just try to feed him before i leave and then hope he hasnt eaten before i go on lunch or get home. My first day back was probably the hardest because 1. i worked 6 hours so no lunch and 2. he had his 2 month checkup and I wasn't able to go. When I found out he had to get 3 shots I just about threw up.

RACHEL - posted on 07/28/2009

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I know the feeling!! It is finally getting easier now that I'm getting organised. I try to prepare the meals on sunday so just have to pop in the oven when i get home.This gives me more jackson time in the evening. On my thursdays(day off) I always plan something special for just me and him. I also stop in at lunch. It's finally getting better and jackson is getting used to the rutine.

Korie - posted on 07/28/2009

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I just went back to work part time (if you consider 32 hours part time). I work 15 minutes from my home and my mother watches my son while I'm at work. I call he at least twice while I'm at work to see if Connor is ok and I go home on my lunch to see him and try and breastfeed him. I feel sooo guilty that I'm going to miss all the amazing things that he does when I'm not there. Before I leave I make sure I give him a kiss and I tell him to make sure he doesn't do anything cute while I'm gone. This is only my second week back to work I hope it gets easier.

Angel - posted on 07/28/2009

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With my first three children I stayed home with them until the third was in school and I loved it. So when we had our fourth the daycare thing scared and guilted me to death. But I realized that I liked working and I had grown and changed as a mother from my time as a stay at home mommy. I think that if I stayed home now I would not be as good of a stay at home mom as I used to be. Since I have been on both sides of this fence I can tell you both (working mom and stay at home mom) has advantages and disadvantages. Focus on the advantages!

[deleted account]

Yes, when you actually spend time with your babies, it will be because you want to, and not because you feel that's what 'moms have to do'. You'll appreciate the time more, and your kids will grow knowing you as a happy, spiritually stable, and sane person. It was hard for me, too, at first, but I foundout that having 'alone time' to regroup and have conversations with adults reduced my stress level.

RACHEL - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi Hayley thanks for the positive feedback. You sxound like you have been doing this for a while. How do you jugle everything I'm trying to get a balance with work, family, friends, chores.

Hayley - posted on 07/27/2009

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Hi Rachel, when u are home u will find u will value your time with your kids SOOO much more!! I do SOO much with my children now, I have 4, now Im back at work as Im valued as a Mum, wife and person too!!! My kids are happier for it, be kinder to yourself, u are back at work for your children too!!! xxxx Hayley

RACHEL - posted on 07/26/2009

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Thanks I'm glad i'm not alone.I feel that way offten Most my relatives and friends stay home. I did find a preschool/daycare that my son will love and he is really looking forward to it.

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