my son back talks me all the time he never lissons to anything i say. i have tryed everthing. help

Melinda - posted on 10/29/2009 ( 35 moms have responded )

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he is 3 and smarter then he should be. we have done spankings, time ought. i don't know what else to do.

35 Comments

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Monet - posted on 11/06/2009

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Just always make sure that you are doing what you promise you would do and follow through..so if you say "don't talk back or else you will be in time out for 5 minutes" then do if he disobey and then when he calms down ask him to tell you why he acted the way he did..he is only trying you to see what he will get away with so be firm ..he will see the benefits later when he is old enough to appreciate it.Good luck hun.

Lyn - posted on 11/06/2009

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So its not just mine then!!!! I sat him down and we drew up a behaviour chart. I let him choose some tasks and I chose some. We ended up with some such as behaving when at the shops, listening to what mummy has to say, eating all his dinner ect ect. each time he achieved one of the tasks he gets a star sticker, once he has achieved so many in a week he gets to do the pre-chosen reward (such as a trip, going swimming, going to the park, longer story time ect ect). By doing this it makes them feel as if they are in charge as they have chosen some of the tasks and it feels like a game. Although I wasnt sure if it was going to work at first, when he started playing up and I reminded him that he wouldnt get a sticker he started behaving!!! Like you I tried a lot of different things but this was the only one that has worked!!!! have fun with it!!! L x

Tauna - posted on 11/05/2009

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you have to stick with to one thing and let him know that this is the way its going to be and most of all not to let anyone elsa change what you do, remember that they become what you allow,take away things or sit him down in the same spot everytime he talks back and don't give in when he cries.

Jessica - posted on 11/05/2009

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Oh my I am having the same issue with my daughter. I have tried to keep from whipping her but the other day she pushed me to my limit and I started to whip her and she screamed her head off at me which as you can imagine made me worse. So as soon as we got home I got her in her bedroom pulled her pants off and whipped her. Because me whipping her did not affect her with them on. I have a hand disease which causes my hands to bleed with the softest pressure on them. And my daughter knows this and she uses it to her advantage. But this happened on sunday and I have not had a problem with her not minding since then! Oh yeah plus I told her until she learns to mind me she is no longer going shopping with me or anywhere out in public for that matter.

Alicia - posted on 11/04/2009

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try talking to him about when everything is calm (not during an episode) and explain to him what the consqeunces will be if he acts this way and stick to them no matter how many times you have to do it... it will get less and less and then when he is around 9 and 10 it'll begin again but you will have already showed him that you will not tolerate this behavior.. all that you go through now with the frustration of feeling like you are always correcting now will pay off in the future i promise ... i have learned this with my son and daughter , make sure the punishment you use isn't actually a punishment for you , kids will always try to turn it into that..don't let him ...your are mom and that is that! good luck hope it gets easier for you

Trisha - posted on 11/04/2009

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Melinda, I want to tell you that you are doing a great job. But, first off. Stop buying him the things he like. Stop giving him sweets. when you take from them they tends to respond better. I use that with my lil niece and she stop talking back to me. You might want to try that. Don't take him to public places where you want get embrasses by it. Also you can just turn your back for a lil while and see how he respond. He will no you don't like that. But, good luck with your son.

Latoya - posted on 11/03/2009

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A nice old fashion threat always do the trick. My son is the same way. I tell him he will uck a bar of soap if he don't mind his manner. He think twice nw. LOL!!! Some times a pop in the mouth does it. Not a hard one, but a surprise one. It makes them think. then tell them not to do it again and why. Back talking is embarrassing in public. Don't let it get out of hand.

Danette - posted on 11/03/2009

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I'm an advocate for spanking especially when it's done in love and correction. When my son was that age he's now 16 - we had classic battles the same. I spanked him, punished him and it did not always work. What always worked was when he was excluded from the family fun time or excluded from things he really wanted to do or have.



His behavior has to cost him soemthing or he will not change. What does he like to do, eat etc. or what does he like to do with you guys - think of his favorite and that is what you take away and stay strong. If it doesn't cost him anything he will keep right at it.



As a divorced/single mom I had to teach my son that you don't get to benefit from the blessing when you refuse to do your share, and you share is being obedient.



I'm also a regular mom contributor to our Mom's Segment on NPR's Tell Me More with Michel Martin check your local NPR radio show listings for air times. (we've discussed this issue, check out the link below for more tips and savoy parenting advice).



http://www.npr.org/search/index.php?sear...

Moari - posted on 11/03/2009

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OMG, I have the same problem with my 7yr old and reading all these replys have helped me a great deal. I will start trying time out when I get home. :)

User - posted on 11/03/2009

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When your son talk backs to you, ignore him, give him the silent treament, then when he asks why tell him because you dont talk to little boys that talk to you like that. 3 is a hard age, when they act 12 LOL jus remember that he is only 3 and he is testing you and if you let him get away with it then he wins. It is always harder on the parents, but in the long run you wont be the person who hates to take their kid to the store because the kick and scream while you are there. I tell my 6 & 8 year old not to ask for anything and they dont, the first time they did I took them out of the store and we drove home. Boy were they shocked.

Sally - posted on 11/02/2009

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I haven't seen anyone mention or ask this but I feel it should be put out there. Do you and your husband argue, even mildly in front of your son? If he hears Daddy sassing you he might feel it's ok, NOT saying this is the case. Just sayin.Also what was said previously about getting in their face, down to their level, making sure there is eye contact and letting them know you mean business is a great way to go instead of saying no all the time. They just ignore it eventually and the naughty chair is GREAT. As long as you follow through.

Ingrid - posted on 11/02/2009

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As lame as it sounds... "Time Out" works. Make sure you kneel down to make eye contact and let him know why he's going into Time Out and follow through. The worse thing you can do is threaten him and never do what you said. It's one minute for each yr of age. So at three he should stay for three mins. Make sure to repeat the why and never tower over him. Always be at eye level and stay clam. He will only mimic your actions. Stay firm and Good luck.

Kristal - posted on 11/02/2009

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With back talking, I have found vinegar an effective tool. My kids REALLY don't like the taste of it, but being food it's not going to harm him. After the first time or two I only have to get it out of the cabinet and they quit. Listening is difficult for 3 year olds. Having him repeat it back to you may be a useful tool, but remember he has to hear the same instruction several hundred times before he will remember the rule on his own (reflective listening). Rather than repeat the bad action, repeat the action that you are trying to get him to do. Kids remember what they hear, if he hears the bad action over and over he is more likely to keep doing it.

User - posted on 11/01/2009

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Children are born to be dependant on you for their very well being. At this age they start to assert their independence. Keep in mind that this is a good thing. However you have to also assert your AUTHORITY. It is a song and dance act, but a healthy one. Once you know the game you as the smarter more seasoned player will win. At this age spanking is not usefull. I agree that a swat on the butt to get their attention is VERY usefull once they know the rules and disobey. At this age you are TEACHING. I agree, give them choices, you either pick up your toys w/o a tantrum now or after you brush your teeth, untill you do that nothing else will happen. ETC. Talking back will not be tolerated. No they are not pets they are not mindless obediant lapdogs, you really don't want that in a human being.

Tanya - posted on 11/01/2009

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Just calm down and don't let them get the upper hand on you. Stay calm and don't yell. Spanking works I believe but you have to be consistent with it.

Angela - posted on 11/01/2009

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we learned in our business class that "positive reinforcement" works wonders. Yeah, hollering, spanking they don't produce the result you're looking for.

For example:
we'll go to the park today once you do these things...
or you can have this if you do...

You have to use the same mentality when training pets, it's amazing what we will do for a prize.
I've been trying this out with my 5 month old son who absolutely hates having his hair combed and so far it's working wonders.
Hope this helps.

Jackie - posted on 11/01/2009

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i have the same prob my boy is 4yrs old , he always want to debate on a lot of things..i talked to him like an adult telling him the right things to do eventually he is improving now.. were going there..

Jennifer - posted on 11/01/2009

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You can also try bribery. Give him special toys he likes if he earns a certain number of stars for good behavior (for example, 1 star for each day of good behavior.). If he understands that better things come from good behavior, he may change his behavior.

[deleted account]

Take away his most precious possession- I mean seriously take it away from him. TRUST ME- it works! He will quickly stop.

Only give it back to him once he REALLY has earned it back- like, days later...

Eronne - posted on 11/01/2009

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Try whispering. My grandmother suggested when my children don't listen to talk quieter and quieter. If they can't quite hear you, they try harder.

Heather - posted on 11/01/2009

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I have learned with my 3 year old daughter that if you are overly excited when she does something good and teach her to say thank you because you say it then when she does something wrong it almost breaks their heart because they just want your acceptance. But before this I just had to keep doing "groundings" where she had to lay on her bed and couldn't get up for a long time. That kills them.

User - posted on 11/01/2009

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he wants control - give him more options like you can go potty & brush your teeth first or get your pjs on u decide, this works most of the time with my mouthy 5 year old but there are still days when there is nothing i can do but let him be cranky!

Lyn - posted on 11/01/2009

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explain to him in a calm manner how hurt/ sad you are when he is being mean at you...as much as possible use terms that are familiar with him so he can relate to it. OR...never give him attention when he doesnt talk to you properly....as if he never exists or you dont hear him at all...no exact formula though...goodluck!

User - posted on 11/01/2009

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start whispering ...he will have to listen . do the 3 finger count down , but whatever you have as a consequence STICK TO IT . Keep in mind he is 4 , so make it an age appropriate consequence . Sit out for 4 minutes ...( the age of the child should be the sit out time ) The time out should be in an area away from stimulation like the tv .

Carmen - posted on 10/31/2009

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This might sound counterintuitive, but I find that if I spend some time with my kids, one on one, doing what *they* want to do, they work harder for me. If my kids start sassing me a lot I know that it's time to make time for them. In the moment, though, I'll give them consequences like time out or time off TV (that's *really* effective). Good luck.

Melinda - posted on 10/31/2009

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thanks ! i'v tryed all that but i guess theres no reason not to try again. i let you know.

Veronica - posted on 10/31/2009

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Consistency is key! Stick to one thing before you try another. Turn your time outs into a place of reflection. Send him to the thinking chair where he needs to figure out why mommy is upset. Remember time outs dont work if they are too long and you do not remain firm. I minute per year. He is three and will get up from that chair over and over. You just keep taking him back. Eventually it becomes routine and he will get it as long as their is always positive reinforcement. Hang in there 3 year olds are tough especially boys. However when they get it, its great.

Jenni - posted on 10/30/2009

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he is definetly trying to find his own role within your family structure! he is only a child I find just explaining that his opinion is greatly appreciated but since youare the adult and you are suppose to be caring for him and teahcing him to be a good person that it's inappropriate that he talks back all the time..although at that age they really dont have a clue what talking back is! LOL good luck

Shaluda (Lu) - posted on 10/30/2009

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Dont be afraid to DISCIPLINE your child. You can do it without spanking them. I also have a 3yr old. And He MINDS me. I was DISCIPLING him at 18mos. Alot of my friends say my child is very well behaved at his age. BUT he aint no angel. He knows I MEAN what I say..and I SAy what I MEAN...When we are in public he tries to have temper tantrums.BUT I get in his Face on His level and Speak directly at him Giving him 2 choices. We all can offer you advice But its up to you figure out a way that works best for you when dealing with your child.

Melissa - posted on 10/30/2009

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I have done the time out thing. And if you are persistant, it will work. Put him in the "time out" corner or chair. If he gets up, don't say anything, just put him back there. It could take a while before he realizes that you are not giving up on this. And when he finally stays put, then tell him that he needs to stay here for 3 minutes (age = minutes in time out). And get to his level when you are talking to him. When the time is done, go ove rto him and ask HIM if he understands why he is in time out and let him tell you. Then ask for an apology. This is tough to do and very tireing, but after a few times, he will stop behaving badly. Best of luck!!

Crisanne - posted on 10/30/2009

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toddlers are NEGATIVISTIC. anything you will tell them they will definitely do the opposite, or they will tell no to your advise and do their way... Spanking is not really the solution, though i did the same before. I understand how you feel.

Try to hold on to your patience and everytime you talk to him give him an option, let him decide to give him a sense of authority. For example you want him to drink milk, ask him if he wants it cold or warm. Be consistent and patient with him. Discipline is not punishment or hurting your child, it is teaching your child a desirable behavior. It is based on love and consistency.

Sonali - posted on 10/30/2009

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I'm having the same problem with my 4 year old. I believe this is their way of testing their boundaries, seeing how much they can get away with. Pick your battles, and always remember to tell him that he's not doing a good thing. Time outs have helped me with my daughter. I just ignore her while she's throwing a tantrum for being sent away, and she invariably comes and apologieses. Its tough on the Mom, but it seems to be working for me.

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