overwhelmed

Jessie - posted on 08/25/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

11

15

2

is there any moms out there that feel like they are not appreciated from there husbands? i do all the cleaning, the laundry, the dishes, the shopping. when i am home from work i take care of the kids, even on my days off. i thought the times have changed, where men and women are created equal?

22 Comments

View replies by

Anna - posted on 09/01/2009

10

20

2

This is a constant struggle in my house as well. What's worse is that my husband is a teacher so he's home all summer and still does nothing to help!!! It drives me insane. We have fought about this so many times and nothing ever changes. He just says, if it's that bad, why don't you leave me. I don't want to leave, I just want him to help me! He doesn't understand how much I do, and he refuses to help. Ugh.

Girlio - posted on 09/01/2009

194

25

28

Quoting Michelle:

Wow - after reading all these posts I am truly blessed. My husband does all the laundry, unloads teh dishwsher in the morning, helps change beds, mows the lawn and gardens. He doesn't hesitate to stop at the store on his way home to pick something up and he makes half the meals. He is also phenomenal with our 5 year old daughter. Admittedly, I help with yard work too...I can change a tire, check my oil levels in my own car and have no problem with using power tools. We have a very balanced relationship without a lot of stereotypical roles playing out. If it needs doing, we get it done and often do so together. He even encourages girls night out with my friends...man have I got it good! Granted he needs to go into his "cave" (the basement) and workout for about an hour a day, but I reap the rewards of that one too.



Michelle, Good thing Polygamy is illegal or I would have thought that we were married to the same man!  :)  there is a small difference, I am HOPELESS with any tools, besides a hammer to crush the Scor bar for dessert topping.  I also know how to change oil/tire, but my man doesn't think that is a job I should have to do.  Funny though is that there aren't any jobs he think are "pink" jobs, but certain jobs are definately "blue" (girls do pink, boys do blue).  He does laundry, folds it puts it away, builds and fixes things.  I do cook dinner every night just about because the rule at our house is whoever is home first makes dinner (and it is usually me).  But he does the dishes and clean up from dinner, helps tidy up regularily.  He does dust but I'm picky and don't like the "out of sight out of mind" theory for dusting...  I am reading these other posts and it just confirms that I am SO fortunate, that I have this wonderful helpful man.  I PROMISE I will never take advantage of him or what he does!  I ALWAYS thank him for all he does for me, I even specifically thank (i.e. thank you for doing the dishes).  I think I have it pretty good, I can't complain at all!  That bold statement is very true at our house too!  Thanx Michelle I know there are other men out there that help, and mine isn't "weird" as some of my friends think  (I think they are really just jealous though)

Cristina - posted on 08/31/2009

16

12

1

There's also a problem with how men and women see and react to the world around them. Most men don't notice what needs to be done. Make a chart. Post it near the dinner table or on the 'frige and mark off what you've done and when. He may need a visual. Depending on how old your kids are, they may be involved. If he doesn't step up to the challenge, mark off where the kids help you (even if they're "helping") so he can see that he's not lifting a finger in contribution. Then if he asks to go out, show him he has to earn the right!!!

Cristina - posted on 08/31/2009

16

12

1

I read an economists' evaluation, once about how much a stay-at-home mother would make as a salary. Apparently someone blesses us with these every few years by evaluating the average salaries of a CEO, manager, teacher, dry cleaner/laundry, etc. We work hard enough to earn 174k per year and it's considered a full time job plus overtime (I think this was a Newsweek article, but I could be wrong...it's on the internet somewhere). Add your annual salary, then ask for a vacation.



Give him 1 job per week at first, then add slowly. If he quits, you quit in return (first thing-- stop cooking dinner). If he doesn't get the clue, schedule a spa weekend or weekend away if you can afford either, and see if he can cope without you. Most men can't.

Jackie - posted on 08/31/2009

17

42

0

My husband is like that half the time - I have to ask him to do it, he doesn't notice. Other times he'll do it without me asking, like the dishes, his own laundry, etc etc. I do get tired of asking, though, like DIDN'T YOU JUST NOTICE IT NEEDED TO BE DONE? But I can't really complain because he does do a lot.

My dad, however, had a really bad habit of doing absolutely NOTHING, and my mom finally stepped up and started transitioning him into doing things on his own. This is after like 30 years of marriage! It can be done, even with very stubborn men. She did what one of the posters above said to do - just stopped doing it and informed him he'd have to do it on his own if he wanted it done (whatever it happens to be).

Lori - posted on 08/31/2009

3

14

0

Men and women are not created equal. You are the Mom and will always be the one doing more, no matter how great your husband is. Stop focusing on how much more work you do around the house compared to your husband. It will only make you feel resentful and unhappy. Focus on your priorities. Maybe you are feeling unappreciated because some of what you do is not really all that important. Is there some stuff you can cut out or hire someone else to do? Are there areas where your husband could pitch in, but doesn't because you never asked? A lot of men don't recognize things that women know need to be done (like putting away the dinner dishes). Perhaps your husband could do the dishes or pack lunches while you're putting the kids to bed. It may help to let him know that you'll have a little more time and energy for him if he helps out.

Milena - posted on 08/30/2009

2

12

1

i'm sorry, jessie, that sucks. my husband and i are a work in progress ... he'll do anything i ask him to do ... but i do get tired of asking. i do remind him that when he does stuff around the house it's not called "helping out" because that would mean it's my job and he's doing me a favour. i think we need to fundamentally change how we talk about roles and responsibilities - dirty floors are not just "my" floors and the kids are not just "my" kids.

[deleted account]

i have the same problem. been married 7 years and have a 7 year old, a 1 year old, and a 1 month old and it seems like i'm the one doing everything from cooking to cleaning to childcare. i don't mind so much right now as i'm still on maternity leave but next week i go back to work and he's going to have to step up because there is no way i can do it all. i had to deal with him and not helping after my son was born and as another mom said he was staying at home and was wonderful with rory but didn't lift a finger around the house! so frustrating. esp when other people begin to notice and say stuff to me about him not helping...it's like hmmm....guys i appreciate it but maybe you should mention it to him!!! LOL best of luck and i hope he steps it up and helps you out hon!

Shari - posted on 08/28/2009

7

10

0

I agree, the only thing I've tried that kinda works is, killing him with kindness. Everytime he does step up, I say thank you and he says for what, and I lay it on how nice it is to have help ( guilt trip). This only lasts so long though. You just have to give yourself permission to let some thongs go and know that the important stiff (the kids) is what you need to focus on.

Sherri - posted on 08/28/2009

313

25

38

I get it. I REALLY get it. I have a 12 year old SS, a lazy 23 year old brother and lazy husband that all live with me. I work 40+ hours a week and come home to a mess.



I work every friday from 10am-8pm (yes, I am at work right now). I came home last week at almost 9pm to find that nothing had been done and then get my lazy brother asking me if I would make them all funnell cake.... and I hadn't even been home 15 minutes.



My husband is very good if I ask him to do something, but really... do you need me to tell you that the dishes are overflowing and need to be washed?????? For a man as overwhelmingly intelligent as my husband is, he sure misses a lot.



I try not to get overwhelmed. Really, the worst case scenario is that my house is a little messy until I come up with the energy to do it or to get mad at one (or all) of them for never doing anything. If I have to put off the ironing for a day-big deal! PERFECT excuse for me to take all of it up to my room nice and early and iron some clothes while I watch something that would make my step-son, brother or husband vomit (like the sound of music or the notebook) :)



Men and women are created equal.... except in brains. My SS wore the same pants 3 days in a row-my husband didn't notice. I tell him that something needs to be done and he forgets. We (females) are a very observant group, so we notice when our husbands (or whatever) are gaining a rather large collection of holey socks and we will go and replace them (and we'll be lucky if they notice that there's a pile of brand new white socks... especially when the holey socks that were just thrown in the garbage were black ones). Our men are so in tuned that they don't even notice something needs to be done, meanwhile, THEY'RE THE ONE'S WITH THE TOE HANGING OUT!



I don't try to understand these things... it just hurts my head. :)



Cheers to all the ladies out there with lazy, unappreciative or thick husbands.

Amanda - posted on 08/28/2009

16

11

2

Well when my husband wasn't doing anything, I stopped doing things for him. so he had to start doing his own laundry, then I would give him other laundry to do. when it came to cooking, I made things that he did not like and informed him that if he did not like it that he could start cooking. I would call him with a shopping list and inform him that he needed to stop on his way home. but the most important part is that you two need to talk about this before you do anything drastic. most of what I did was because my spouse was still drinking and we were both being petty about it. A lot of times with men they don't do it because their mom always did it and they did not have to do it on their own and do not know how to or what a big job it is. Talk to him about it and if he still refuses then stop helping him out as much as you can.

Michelle - posted on 08/28/2009

1

13

0

Wow - after reading all these posts I am truly blessed. My husband does all the laundry, unloads teh dishwsher in the morning, helps change beds, mows the lawn and gardens. He doesn't hesitate to stop at the store on his way home to pick something up and he makes half the meals. He is also phenomenal with our 5 year old daughter. Admittedly, I help with yard work too...I can change a tire, check my oil levels in my own car and have no problem with using power tools. We have a very balanced relationship without a lot of stereotypical roles playing out. If it needs doing, we get it done and often do so together. He even encourages girls night out with my friends...man have I got it good! Granted he needs to go into his "cave" (the basement) and workout for about an hour a day, but I reap the rewards of that one too.

Jennifer - posted on 08/27/2009

30

10

0

I think my husband feels like you. He does the majority of the housework and is great at playing with our daughter. I have to remind my self to say thank you. And let him know that I appreciate him. And I now talk to him about plans for days off - what does he want to get done and what do I want to get done. That helps distribute the child amongst us and get chores done (I do cook and clean the kitchen, but he doesn't like the way I keep the house clean.)

[deleted account]

Mom is mom and always will be! If mom got sick the house would burn down. Right! I have found that everything does not need to be done today. Take a deep breathe and do what you can Not EVERYTHING! Remember to take time for you and to yes smell the roses.

Alicia - posted on 08/26/2009

4

32

0

you are not alone as you can see. It is a conversation that comes up with us a lot. I get feeling that way I just let my husband know and he picks up his slack. That seems to only last a few months but then I drop a hint again. I do think it gets easier with the kids getting older because they help out too. Hang in there.

April - posted on 08/26/2009

41

30

3

That would really be hard to do all that. Have you asked him why you have to do it all. I know just because the wash the car or they do the lawn work 1/2 of the year they are equal. How old are the kids ? Mine started doing their own laundry in 2nd grade. Ask your husband what he thought would be equal?

Marcy - posted on 08/26/2009

1,042

1

277

I agree. My husband and I have finally come to some kind of peace in regards to this. he comes from a family where mom did everything and he is one of four boys. When he gets home from work I am usually right in the middle of making dinner. He gets changed and then comes in to the kitchen and says "What can I help you with?" I have honestly given up on the concept that perhaps one day he won't have to ask that question and just start right up with making dinner or folding the laundry etc. It's not something he is "capable" of figuring out (even though he is a smart cookie). So, we live this way and as long as I have two or three things for him to do in my head when he comes home or in the morning he is a big help.



Its tough and as much as you want pull your hair out and scream because you wish you didn't have to organize and be the leader on everything I think someone has to take the bull by the horns.



Good luck!

Pattie - posted on 08/25/2009

4

28

1

I know how you feel. I work full time and so does my hubby. His job keeps him away from home at least 3 days in a row (sometimes more!). I do most of the house work, laundry, dishes, caring for the kids and the dogs, cleaning the pool etc. It gets very overhelming at times to the point where I would cry! But I finally spoke up (or blew up depending on whose view) and I started to get a little more support. It was a little at first but over time it has improved slightly. It is something we are constantly working at.

Diane - posted on 08/25/2009

9

8

1

In a perfect world...I had some of the same issues myself and found that communication does help. I do however understand your dilemma, I was in that boat once...and 75% of the time the chores in the house are still all mine. But I also have my daughter cleaning up after herself,thats helps more than I thought. Younger kids like to feel apart of something, and I know now with my hubby, if I say I don't feel like it...He'll take over, or it doesn't get done... ;-)

Stacey - posted on 08/25/2009

1

2

0

I so understand. Now that my partner is not working full time, but i am he still does not help around the house. He is fantastic with our 18 month daughter. He is the one to bath her of a night but the rest of the house work is exhausting especially if you work full time. Im exhausted too. I dont think we are the only ones out there

Elysha - posted on 08/25/2009

10

3

3

I've had this discussion with my fiance for the past 2 years. We both work full time, but he doesn't get home until after all our evening chores (homework, dinner, boys chores, showers) are done so we're limited on what he can help with. Also, my office is closer to home and is much more flexible. But after I got pneumonia twice, I stepped up my agenda to change things.



I tried talking to him nicely and rudely. Finally, I just stopped. I wouldn't do the laundry. I wouldn't clean the bathroom. I wouldn't clean the sheets. I wouldn't do the dishes. We talked again and he would start doing one of the things I'd stopped. We went through this process until now where he's finally taking care of all the cleaning not done now by the boys, ages 8 and 10, since I have the majority of the childcare responsibilities.



Also, I believe if your kids are over the age of 3, they can and should help out. My boys clean their bedroom and bathroom, put up their laundry, do the dishes, wipe down the table and kitchen counters, take out the trash, vacuum and sweep/mop the floors. It takes very little time divided among them. They've been doing all this since they were 6 and 8 and understand it's just part of taking care of yourself and your family.



Good luck.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms