Please tell me how.....I am feel like I am loosing my mind.

Jesica - posted on 04/06/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am a married working mom. My children are 15 and 7. I work for Hospice as a Home Health Aide. I work between 40-50 hrs a week. I have my kids for a week and my ex has them for a week. It works out really good. I love my husband and my children. Where I am having a problem is when it comes time to help around the house. I feel as if it all falls on my shoulders. Yes my husband does work. And occasionally I can get him to take the trash down. But not to often. My daughter who is 15 will help but only after I competely get mad and go off on her to clean the kitchen, which she half way does. She will back talk to me about every and anything I ask or tell her to do. Now her brother is doing the same. My husband will make a huge mess and just leave it for me to clean. The kids are watching him and think that it is ok, because mom will clean it. I do EVERYTHING around here. Last weekend I decided that I was going to stop cleaning up, doing the laundry, dishes, the normal housework, to see if anyone would think maybe I should do this or that... Did it happen? Nope, want to know what happen a all out war this morning when I said it was house cleaning day. I made it a point to tell them that I stopped doing the chores around the house and the only thing that got done was the dishes, because my daughter did them. I told all 3 of them that I feel like it is expected for me to do everything around here and work a full time job. I feel like no one apperciates the things I do. They expect me to do it. My husband says I will try to help out more. The kids both are upset because they had to clean their rooms and help out around the house. So here it is 9:45p I have a stack of laundry that is atleast 3 foot high in the laundry room. My son is now in bed, my daughter is still helping me some tonight. And my husband is out with a friend of his riding his motorcycle. I am so tired of this, but yet I say something I am wrong. I don't say anything I am wrong. I can keep up this pace for much longer. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I would love to hear any ideas on how to get my family to understand I need help and actually how to get them to help me. I feel as if I am loosing my mind.

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Jen - posted on 05/07/2013

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Your kids are upset because they had to clean their rooms? GOOD! You are on your way, don't give up. Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation that at first seemed okay but somehow got out of hand before we realized it. The only way out is slow and steady determination. Make sure your husband and your children know exactly what chores they are expected to do and when. Often guys say they will "help out" but then can't seem to think of anything to help with (or so they say!). Make a chore schedule for the week and post it in the kitchen. And if your husband makes a mess and doesn't clean it up, tell him, don't just clean it for him.

Enna - posted on 04/09/2013

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My girls are 13 and 6. They each clean a bathroom and their bedrooms. My 13 year old walks the dog once or twice a day. They both bring out their laundry and sort it. They help clean up the table after dinner. My 13 year old helps fold laundry when I ask her to, and she loads/unloads the dishwasher once or twice a week.

The girls have been helping me clean since they were old enough to walk. When they're really small I gave them a wash cloth and they walked around "cleaning" the walls and shelves. It's just been ingrained into them. We did chore charts when my 13 year old was about 6, but it was only useful for a couple of weeks, then we just forgot about it.

My husband and I split the chores. If he cooks dinner, I clean the kitchen, etc. We both fold laundry while watching TV usually together.

If I didn't have all this help I would lose my mind too.

My suggestion is not to give the kids any option but to do their work. If they refuse, take away privileges, send them to their rooms, etc. Eventually when they have nothing to do they will decide that cleaning is better. I would be a bit lenient at first about how good of a job they do. Once you know they know what to do, then hold them accountable, send them back in to re-clean it until they have it right.

As far as your husband goes, that's a bit tougher. My husband really stepped up when I got sick and was off of work for two months. I could hardly do anything, so if he didn't do it, it didn't get done. Once I felt better he was still worried about me, and the habit just stuck. Obviously this option would probably not work out for you :) I would talk to your husband about it. It's not fair for him to be able to go out with his friends while you're stuck working. It would be a different story if you were home all day and he was the only one working.

Another suggestion I have is to lower your expectations a little bit, if you can. I am a complete neat freak and I had to teach myself not to see some of the messes during the week, then I would feel better once it got cleaned up on the weekend.

Amy - posted on 04/07/2013

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Talk to your husband about how you are feeling, explain that the kids are watching him and you need him to set a good example. Then make a chore chart and stick to it, give everyone a laundry day for them to wash their own clothes. Your 7 year old may need some help but he's old enough to start learning. I try to break my cleaning down by days of the week, dishes are done daily, bathrooms on Monday, bedrooms on Tuesday, living room on Wednesday, kitchen Thursday, ect. My kids 7 and 3 love when we make cleaning a race, we divide the play areas in half and the first one to clean their side wins, then I vacuum.

My ex made a comment to me once when I was on maternity leave that he didn't understand what I did all day so I stopped doing his laundry!

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Itsatushy - posted on 06/16/2013

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My hubby tries to help but it is so frustrating, we both work he is part time I am full time, and am starting to have health issues that drain my energy. He will put away dishes or help with laundry but I have to ask every time. Then he asks what can he help with, if I say clean something, he will sit in front of the tv. He has blinders on to any mess and when he does clean the house he wants a prase, which I never get. He says it's because I am the one who wants the house clean and that him and our child just cant clean like I can. O and but Honey you love to clean.... free I clean and come home the next day to crap everywhere and trash and dishes. No respect for the cleaning. Just once I would like to sit in a clean widescreen work and relax. I also do all the yard work and home repair while he plays video games. I am at my wits end as well.

Brooke - posted on 06/13/2013

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Wash only your own clothes, for a start. When they have none left, they will do something about it. As for the bedrooms, make a rule if you don't have one already that there is no food in the bedrooms, then simply close the door so you do not have to look at it. My kids have a list of jobs every week that they have to do to get computer/Xbox time on the weekend. They started getting lazy about that so I sat down one weekend and played the Xbox in front of them. They wanted to play too, I told them no, it was all mine as they had not done their jobs. I agree with Jen about telling your husband when he has left a mess, don't clean it for him. Good luck!
Oh, and don't forget to say something if you notice they do do something without being asked.

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