What Did We Give Up?

Stephanie - posted on 04/08/2009 ( 24 moms have responded )

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All I want to do is be at home with my boy taking care of him ,loving him. At the same time i know that i need to figure out what i want to do with my life, career wise . If i really wanted to i could try and become a manager but i don't know if thats what i want to do cause i dont want to be away from Blake for those long days. I know people say you have to sacrifice to get where you want to be but i dont want to sacrifice raising my son because the world has made it harder to live on one income. I dont want to miss it ,you know and its not fair that i have to make that choice, raise my son or work for our family . I am stuck in this spot right now . When i was younger i thought i would grow up and be a feminist , equal rights , front line fighting stuff like that girls on the football team . As i got older and realized that moms shape there children s lives. We are the ones that start them off to be a success or a failure. I'd rather be responsible for that then a bunch of people that could careless about there job. I know life is not fair and i know many women fought so i could vote, work , do anything but what did we as moms give up to have all that . We now have no choice to stay home or work . Now there are those fortunate few that get to do it but there is not enough. It makes me sad but life is sad all you can do is grasp those moments you do have with your family.

(There is nothing wrong if you work , this is just how i feel so dont come on here and yell at me cause you work and you love it .)

Stephanie Fury

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Kristine - posted on 04/08/2009

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Hi Stephanie,



Have you ever thought of working from home? Sure there are a lot of scams out there but there are some really good ones out there too. There have been many posts on this site about legitimate companies who hire people for customer service and things like that. Also, you could start your own home business doing something you love. You might have an arts and crafts side where you and your son could work together on things and sell them or you might want to partner with another company where you have a team of people who help you reach your financial goals. Personally that last one was what I chose to do. I wasn't good at selling and didn't want to do home parties like with Pampered Chef or Mary Kay so I know that wasn't going to be a good fit for me. I loved to help people though and I was good talking with people so when I found our team I knew it made sense for me. I have been with them for 5 years now and I love it. You work at your own pace and everyone is so helpful giving you step by step guidance so you don't have to do it alone. You can really make the income you want too in the timeframe you choose.



I would be happy to give you more information if you would like so you can have more options to consider. You are welcome to give me a call at:



608-524-3441

or you can check out my websites:



www.workathomeunited.com/mybiz or www.livetotalwellness.com/mybiz



and request more information so that I can give you a call at a convenient time for you.



If that is not the direction you are looking to go though then I wish you luck in deciding what is right for you. It is true that sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want at the time to have what you need in the future. You just need to decide which is more important for you. Sure it might be hard not having the amount of income you are used to but if you really want to be home for your son you will find a way and you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you were there for him at the most important times and I also think as you do, that time with your family is the most important thing not all the things you can buy them.

Jaimie - posted on 04/08/2009

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The decision to work or to stay home can only be made in the home. There are many factors that need to be concidered. If it is sheer guilt that keeps you home when you really want to be at work, then you sacrifice yourself. If your heart and soul needs to be at home, then that is where youu need to be. Are you goung to struggle to put food on the table? Is your kid going to go without if you don't work? Will you be able to tighten up the budget to make it all work? These are some of the questions that are important to find the answeres to. I do not advocate either way on the to work/ to stay home. I truly believe that people will do what is best for their family. Remember, there are other options, such as a part time job in the evenings, maybe having your own dayhome or something like that. It would help to give you a little extra income with minimal impact on your family. I hope you find your right answer, and remember, if you choose to stay home & need extra money you can always go to work, if you choose to work ad just can't bear to be away from home, you can always quit. Nothing is forever. Good luck.

24 Comments

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Emma - posted on 07/04/2009

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Quoting Tammy:



Just wondering why you feel like you are giving something up.  You are still the one raising your child and you are still the greatest influence on their lives.  Remember raising a child has never historically been the only job a woman had.  Even in ancient times she still had to tend the garden, take care of live stock, cook meals on super hot stoves or fires, you didn't have your baby with you when you did this it would be too dangerous.  An older child or another adult such as a grandparent usually watched the younger ones.  It takes a village to raise a child, our villages have just changed a bit so don't feel guilty because you can't be with your child 24/7.






This post is so true. If you need to work then so be it but if you can afford not working and your hearts tells you to stay at home an d look after your son 24/7 then so be it. If I'm honest when I went on to maternity I didn't want to go back to work but I knew I had to at some point to earn atleast a little bit of money for my family. However, my husband was earning enough for both of us and I still carried on working. But eventually I had t ogive it up b/c  I sacrifised my own health but now I wouldn't have it any other way. Do what your gut instinct tells you to do. Good luck

Angela - posted on 07/04/2009

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Kudos to you for wanting to find out what you want to do with your life. My son is almost 7 weeks old and I've decided to start a business. I love helping people and that's what made me decided to work from home.
That's how I have managed to have the best of both worlds, it's totally possible. Besides, I'm a single mom and the price of daycare is madness!
Drop me an email or you can go by my facebook page to see what I do.
I'm a Nutritional Counselor/Herbalist and just getting my certification as a Childbirth Educator. If you live in the Calgary area I know a great resource that helps women start their own business.
I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

[deleted account]

I understand completely where you are coming from. A couple things I've found have worked well over the past five years with these emotions same as you are finding part time jobs. I know the expenses add up and not everyone can afford to only have a part time job. However I have been fortunate to always have someone else with me and helping me. I have chose jobs that are in the evenings or even night time jobs and now my daughter is 5 and in school full time, I can't wait to get back out into the full time job world. I've taken care of her for this long and now its time to regain some adult hood back. The feelings will subside, they did for myself, and parting from your youngster won't be as hard. Especially when he is in school and u can go to work all day, then pick him up from school and see the joy of how much of a fun day he had doing his own thing. It's when they grab a sense of who they are and starting to live their own life you will realize you want to be out and about in the work force world around others having as much fun as your son will daily.

Cidalia - posted on 07/02/2009

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Quoting Darcia:



My oldest child is 10 and I have worked for most of his life, some dayshift, some weekend shift and now evenings.  I think it is important to show my kids and my foster children and good example.  You want to live well, have nice clothes and eat good food, have a nice house and cars, then you need to work hard too.  I am a good mom and a good role model.  Those younger years go fast and then your not raising babies anymore your raising men and women.  Adults you'll want to be proud of, and I want my children to know the value of hard work.  I have 3 boys aged 1,6, and 10. And 2 foster girls aged 5, and 6.





I think it's one thing if someone makes the choice work to have "nice clothes, eat good food, have a nice house and cars" etc., and they work with that goal in mind, and it's a whole other thing when a mother who really would like to stay home just a little longer is forced by circumstances to work not for "nice things" but for mere survival.  I am there.  I work and I have no nice clothes (all thrift shop and hand-me-downs), I don't eat good food... we very much struggle to put food on the table many times.  I don't have a nice house.  I live in a rental home.  And I don't own a car. 



At this point, I've made the decision to go back to school and juggle one more thing because, without an education, I'm not being properly compensated for the hours I spend away from my children.  I'd also like to be doing something I reasonably enjoy doing if I have to work.

Elise - posted on 06/30/2009

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Hi Stephanie - I feel the same way. I feel so guilty when I wake my daughter up to take her out to her babysitters in the morning (luckily, its her grandparents). I'm in a workplace where I am one of the few who actually enjoy what they are doing - the rest are waiting for retirement.

Maybe see if you could work part-time? I work part-time (we financially can't afford for me NOT to work), and I think that the moments we cram in with our babies are so precious, it makes them even more special. :-)

Kamie - posted on 06/30/2009

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hi its up2 you. I work 16hours a week in a clothes shop, it gives me time to meet new people and actually feels like a break away even though im working. I love my litttle girl lots and felt upset at first for putting her in nursery. But its done her the world of good, she mixes with other children, learnt to share etc n i love her telling me what shes been up2 after school especially the pictures she does me.

I think it does me good to work- sense of achievement- n also shows my little girl that you have to work to get nice things. Id hate her to grow up and not realise that i went to work so we could go on holiday and to appriciate things more.

You will know when the time is correct to go to work. Ella was 1yrs when i left her but she was capable of telling people what she wanted/didnt want/ she could walk and stick up for herself.

Do what you feel is rite for you both xxx

Nada - posted on 06/29/2009

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Hi Stephanie,

All my life I've wanted to be a stay at home mom and have a gazillion kids LOL =)



As fate would have it, my first marriage ended soon after my son was born, and there was no option of being a stay at home mom, I went back to work full time.



My second marriage, I had the luxury of being a stay at home mom for a year, and then the marriage started falling apart (that's another story I'll post sometime) and traumatic as that was, I had to be strong and go back to work to support myself and my sons. I am now in court divorcing my husband.. and even though its messy, and even though I have a full time job, my sons go to school and daycare, and they are happy healthy boys!! I don't feel I am not giving them enough, on the contrary, I feel like their exposure to other caregivers, other adults and children away from me has given them more independance and courage.



I work and I love my job (I'm a teacher) and my old dream of being a stay at home mom is now forever lost =S BUT that doesn't mean I have to be sad, I just shift my dream instead of it being about what I am doing, its now all about how well I am doing what I have to do (raise my sons & do my job)



Be true to yourself and do what makes you feel good =)

Kimberly - posted on 06/27/2009

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Though I respect your opinion, I teach, and I help make each of my students more aware of what is going on in the world and how to effectively deal with it. I also devote my time and summers to my son. I feel like I am not just helping my own son but those children who's parents work as well and some who actually don't care about being parents at all. I can make a difference to those who really need it, including my son!

Hannah - posted on 06/27/2009

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you are supporting yourselves and your children and can be independent. Something I would be very proud of. (i'm still in school so i'm not so much right now lol)

Hannah - posted on 06/27/2009

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I'm a student/working mother and I love it. I love my son and love being with him but being a SAHM/housewife is just not something I would ever choose for my life. I want to have a career and be successful and there's nothing wrong with that. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I can't make something of my life. Women have rights now and can work too these days, so let's take advantage of them. Some women work hard to get where they are in life and just because they have children doesn't mean that they should give it up. You can work and still be a wonderful mother and our children will appreciate and respect us more for working our butts off to create a good life and providing for them. JMO..

Erin - posted on 06/26/2009

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I forgot to also say, that when my daughter was one or so I started taking online courses, just one at a time so it's not too expensive. I do my school work when she naps, but if your baby goes to bed early you could do it then too. I'm taking Medical Transcription because it's work I can do at home when she is growing up. But maybe there is something you could take online that could prepare you for what you want to do when your baby goes to school. I found that it is nice to use my brain for something and I'm almost done my courses now. I've done 7 of the 10 and it gives me a sense of accomplishment and I don't have to leave my house to go to school and it is a tax write off as well as working toward my future and my family's future.

Good luck, I know you will find a way to work through all of this don't give up and be totally true to and honest with yourself and don't let people judge you.

Erin - posted on 06/26/2009

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Stepanie, I know how you feel. Don't feel alone. Nobody tells you how hard it is, how stressful an isolating it can be. In the beginning it is new and you are just amazed that you have a baby but as time goes on it is so intense and so all consuming that you can get burned out. I have felt the same way many times, and it is totally natural. Before the baby you had loads of time and energy to focus on yourself, you miss that. If anyone tells you not to feel how you feel that is not helpful. Don't feel guilty.

Here are a few things I did because although I felt that way I also knew that I would never get this time back and that I didn't want anyone else to raise my baby and that the bond I am building is so important.

I found a couple of friends with kids the same age (which can be hard because you don't necessarily need any new friends and it is hard to find people you can truly like sometimes) but I found 2 girlfriends with kids the same age and they come over a couple times a week together or separately and we visit. We bitch, we vent we complain and I never feel like I'm alone anymore. We are all totally truthful and know that we are going through the same stuff. I don't have to impress them with a clean house, which mine never is, we don't judge and we can talk about anything. Those are the kind of friends you need. I respect their parenting or I couldn't be friends with them. I've known one forever but the other I "picked up" at the park one day, I loved how she was with her kids and I thought I could be friends with someone like that so I bit the bullet and asked her for her number, it felt weird but she is now one of my best friends.

The other thing I did was to start working just a little. I am a personal chef so I took back some time with one of my clients (I had found another chef for a maternity leave) so I was working one day. My mom babysits or my husband works from home, my lovely friend will pick up the slack when need be. Also I sell Enjo Fibres, it's a home party business. I got into it because I loved the product and I have to say I really enjoy doing the parties. There are lots of home party businesses, Pampered Chef, Epicure, 5th Avenue Jewelry, or start something of your own doing something you love. Also you could start a local mother's group that is about something you are passionate about, feminist moms or something like that. I have found that my Enjo business gets me out of the house a few nights a month and I get to make pretty good money too. I never thought I'd do home parties but in terms of sanity and money it has been a godsend.

Maybe if you tried something like that it would help or maybe just thinking about it will help you think of something that you can make work with your life.

Good luck, don't give up, don't get too down , you are not alone and anyone who makes you feel inadequate because of what you are going through my either lying about how they are really feel deep down or maybe uses their children to avoid life outside of the home. Many people compensate and hide behind their children. I'm sure there are some who genuinely believe that being a mom is everything but I know for a fact that many women go through what you are going through.

Just try to work something out where you can be home more than away and be happy because these precious years will never come around again for this child and you need to be in a place of happiness and peace inside yourself to enjoy them (of course not every minute is enjoyable) and be present for your child. I found that just carving out a little time for me to work and have a life of my own and earn some money made a great difference not only to me but to my husband too because we are both less stressed about money and that makes us happier.

Lisamarie - posted on 06/24/2009

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Aww.. Stephy, you stress so much. No matter if you are a mom who works or a mom at home with her child, you do your best. Don't let your brothers lives have any inpact on how you think Blake with be. You know your mom working when you were young wasn't the reason for them being they way they are. You grew up with a tougher life than I did, and I screwed up more than you have. It is all aout the person. You should know by now that your son will not have the same life you did, because YOU are his mom. Children apriciate how hard their mothers work to give them what they need. They may get upset that you aren't alwaysaround, but in the end, they will always love you. Times are tough now, because you are still figuring things out, but in time you will be ok. Even though we are teaching our children to be men, and women, they also teach us to be stronger men and women. Its amazing how much we grow up after having kids. You are doing a great job so far sweetie, so chillax! =p I love you and here when you need my help.

Maya - posted on 04/11/2009

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I agree ..no one going to love your child the way you do ...me and my hubby have agreement that twice a week i work from home and he's with the baby (im acupuncturist ) ...



so maybe you can try to work from home or when ur child is no longer need ur boonies ,gradualy work few days a week ...

Lori - posted on 04/10/2009

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Life doesn't have to be sad :).  I have been fortunate to stay home with my children for 20 some odd years.   I have also felt the change to a 2 income home...but I'm still at home with my own home business :).  It is possible to do!  There are many home based businesses to do find which one is good for you and one you would have a great passion for (I call it my why) if you don't have a why for the business you pick then you won't have passion for it and you won't enjoy it!



Go to www.leveragemovie.com and if you like what you see you can try it out by clicking on the banner.



Lori Smith



801.906.9016

Stephanie - posted on 04/10/2009

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I wanted to go back to school but i cant work go to school and take care of him the way he deserves to be taken care of. Frankly i do not trust anyone else besides my hubby to take care of him the way i do. No one else is going to love him more then me so they are not going to care about his well being, education or life . I think taking care of your family financially is important but loving them and them knowing how important they are is more . I understand the need that some women have to work or go to school but i just want to be here in his life . My mother always worked we never saw her and i guess thats another reason cause i feel like if my mother took more time with me and my siblings we would have had more confidence in our selves . In stead we were left with anyone but her and now my brothers are both addicts and we all have a hard time with a lot of things. I just dont want my boy to ever feel like i didnt try to make him smarter better or just great ! No one else is going to take the time to do that for him but me.

User - posted on 04/09/2009

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I can respect how you feel.  Instead of work I sacrificed time with my children to get my education and then work.  However, the kids have seen the hard work it does take for both school and work.  I also could not afford to be at home full time, because I was a divorced single mom.  There is a happy medium, and if you have a significant other that is supportive and is willing to compromise.  You can get real close to a happy medium.  It's all about time management I have discovered.  Then decide what you are willing to sacrifice as a family and as a individual.  Sleep on it....and proceed....but never do something that you will feel regret about.

Darcia - posted on 04/09/2009

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My oldest child is 10 and I have worked for most of his life, some dayshift, some weekend shift and now evenings.  I think it is important to show my kids and my foster children and good example.  You want to live well, have nice clothes and eat good food, have a nice house and cars, then you need to work hard too.  I am a good mom and a good role model.  Those younger years go fast and then your not raising babies anymore your raising men and women.  Adults you'll want to be proud of, and I want my children to know the value of hard work.  I have 3 boys aged 1,6, and 10. And 2 foster girls aged 5, and 6.

Emily - posted on 04/09/2009

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That is a really nice post by Tammy. I wish I could stay at home. I was able to for the first year with my oldest then work part time. I worked full time from the time my youngest was 2 years old. I also love my career. I have a lot of education I don't want to waste and I enjoy what I do. So, I understand the conflicted feeling you may be having now.

Tammy - posted on 04/08/2009

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Just wondering why you feel like you are giving something up.  You are still the one raising your child and you are still the greatest influence on their lives.  Remember raising a child has never historically been the only job a woman had.  Even in ancient times she still had to tend the garden, take care of live stock, cook meals on super hot stoves or fires, you didn't have your baby with you when you did this it would be too dangerous.  An older child or another adult such as a grandparent usually watched the younger ones.  It takes a village to raise a child, our villages have just changed a bit so don't feel guilty because you can't be with your child 24/7.

Angie - posted on 04/08/2009

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I would love to stay home, but I also love to work. I have the best of both right now though. I work 4 nights a week and get to stay home with my daughter all but 2 days a week. Follow your heart and enjoy every moment, no matter how many moments you have!

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