What do you do when your a widow mom doing it all alone with two teens, and the youngest says,mom can you just be home more), I feel so guilty sometimes, and I always made that balance with everything. What do I do?

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Louise - posted on 03/18/2009

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hi, i think your child is still grieving for their father.  i can't tell you what to exactly say to them, but if you understood what's behind those words, maybe it can bring you some peace with yourself.  just let them understand that you love them and you're there for them.  with cellphones and webchats, you can communicate without being there in person.  i wish you the best.  



i didn't grow up with my mom, we were oceans apart. i missed her, i wish she was with me all the time, but i understand why she had to leave.  i do not hate or resent my mom, it was just part of our reality.

Teresa - posted on 03/16/2009

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I to am a single mom my kids father is a live but not that invollved in there lives. But my son try's to give me the gilt trip and I tell him I am doing my best and some day he will under stand

[deleted account]

I cannot tell you that I know what you are going through personally but have a few thoughts to share:



My oldest sister, now only 31 lost her first husband to cancer. Yes, we was extremely young and it was hard for her. It was sooo much harder on my 7 yr. old niece at the time though. Children deal with things so much differently than adults do. She has struggled very much for a while and is just now learning to deal with it the best she can.



Not only did my sister remarry and have other children, one of her 3 yr. old twinds has terminal brain cancer. They are trying to increse the quality of life the best they can and thankfully she is not in pain. So now not only does she have to deal with the loss of her husband, she has to deal with the loss of a child.



I am not sure how this can help you but it may be something you can share with your teenagers (since they are old enough to understand). This might help them see that you are doing all that you can as it is to hang on day by day and that you understand what they are going through as well. Maybe this story will help them see that they are not alone and that there are people they can reach out to as well.

[deleted account]

You might look for a program to help. In my community we have the "Mentor Role Model" program that matches up a young person with an adult who has time to help with homework or just hang with once a week. Big Brothers Big Sisters probably does this too. Even if you cannot personally take more time from your schedule (bottom line is work = $ = home & food) there is somebody out there who has some free time and a caring heart to share with your kids. God bless & good luck!

Veronica - posted on 03/13/2009

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I can't imagine what you are going through. My sister became a widow at the age of 33 her husband died in a terrible accident. Her kids at the time were 4 and 9. For a few years she stayed home with her kids but everyones story is different meaning finances and all that. Recently she went back to work part time, just to get out in the world again, and is still able to do things with the kids. The kids are now 10 and 16, and have started adjusting to a new schedule of her working and they understand that there are certain things that she has to do, so that they can go on vacations and have the things that they need. It is very hard deciding what is best, but I'm sure you will find even ground. They try to sit down as a family and decide on there vacations together or even go to a movie that they all want to see. She even does things with each child individually. I don't know if this will help you, but that is my sisters story and it seems to be going rather well. Good luck

[deleted account]

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Kim - posted on 03/12/2009

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Jeannie, I am so sorry you have to go this alone!  I was a single mom at one point, but when my teen was younger.  I got the "Mom why do you always have to go to work?"... I basically just explained that my work pays the bills, and paid close attention to the quality of time I was spending with her.  I made sure when I had the time that we interacted and did fun things for her...doesn't have to cost much to have fun...and I took all the extra time off I could...sometimes we both played hooky...and it really works!  I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that if it is recent, you can get some one on one help for your own emotional health.

[deleted account]

Ouch. All I call tell you is that your kids will grow up and understand why you had to do what you have to do. I resented my mother for a while as a teenager when she went back to work. She was a stay at home mom when my sister and I were younger, but once we both were out of elementary school, she started work again. Partially for the money, but I think mostly because she needed to do something for her. As a mother myself now I understand that. My oldest is 5 and in kindergarten now and she's already starting with "Mom, I missss you." That's digging the knife in a little further.



Just make the most out of the time you have with them. My mother always had something special for both my sister and I. At least once a month we would each get an alone night or day with mom. We'd go out to the movies, the mall, dinner or something with just the two of us. My mom passed away when I was 16 but these are the things I remember now.

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2009

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Just let them know you're only human and keep showing them all the love you can. God bless you for doing your best!

Angela - posted on 03/11/2009

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You need to do what feels right for you. If it feels right and is possible, cut back on work hours. If that isn't possible, make sure each of your kids get special one on one time with you. We each can only do so much, and you're doing it alone. Don't feel bad for working your butt off to hold it all together. You are doing your job as mom.

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